Psychiatrist appointment on Friday. I've never tried medication, and I figure it'll probably be a big help. It's hard to get out of doomerland, though.
I'm a full time student, I have a job and I'm finishing paperwork for the second one, I'm in phlebotomy classes on Sundays, and I don't have a car or license. I begin my day by getting up at 5 am to walk to the bus, take the bus, be inept at everything, come home, and be miserable.
I feel disgusting because I live with my partner and our dog in THEIR PARENT'S home at 19. I had to move out at 18 (a year ago) because my dad is bi-polar, went off his meds, and got really fucking mean. But I always had issues, especially with lying, so even if he was normal I probably would have gotten kicked out. I was freeloading off their parents, jobless, for most of the year. I never asked for anything, which I tried to assure myself meant I wasn't freeloading, but I was sharing conditioner and body wash and whatever with my partner, that their parents buy. I got food stamps, and so I was jobless and getting random money I didn't deserve. I stole from stores so much. I donated a fuck ton of plasma and only stopped because my body just would not pass vitals anymore, although I still tried for weeks and weeks. I wasted so much time doing that, spending 2 hours getting there via bus just to turn right back home after failing.
I decided to dedicate my life to a puppy like six months before moving though, and I consistently end up feeling like I totally fucked her and myself over by doing so. I felt like I needed her and she needed me and that it would be the ultimate display of cowardice to rehome her, to admit that I can't do hard things. However, I am so so so exhausted. I have to take her on walks after coming home from whatever ring of hell I was visiting, which genuinely should be a privilege above all else, and I am so fucking miserable doing it. I immediately get so angry. I get so upset if she asks me to use the restroom and I have to take her out. I get upset if her nose touches me, or if she asks to play. I'm a miserable fucking person and I can't enjoy having a sweet albeit crazy dog.
My relationship with my partner is a whole other can of worms.
Anywho, I am supposed to move again to whatever college I get accepted to. Being a mooch weighs on me so heavily, so I'm excited, but I'm also terrified knowing that mine, my partner's, and our dog's wellbeing basically rests on me. I have a psychiatrist appointment of Friday, yes, but I am doing very poorly today and relapsed like a rabid dog after my partner and I got into another tense conversation about nothing.
I'm a full time student, I have a job and I'm finishing paperwork for the second one, I'm in phlebotomy classes on Sundays, and I don't have a car or license. I begin my day by getting up at 5 am to walk to the bus, take the bus, be inept at everything, come home, and be miserable.
I feel disgusting because I live with my partner and our dog in THEIR PARENT'S home at 19. I had to move out at 18 (a year ago) because my dad is bi-polar, went off his meds, and got really fucking mean. But I always had issues, especially with lying, so even if he was normal I probably would have gotten kicked out. I was freeloading off their parents, jobless, for most of the year. I never asked for anything, which I tried to assure myself meant I wasn't freeloading, but I was sharing conditioner and body wash and whatever with my partner, that their parents buy. I got food stamps, and so I was jobless and getting random money I didn't deserve. I stole from stores so much. I donated a fuck ton of plasma and only stopped because my body just would not pass vitals anymore, although I still tried for weeks and weeks. I wasted so much time doing that, spending 2 hours getting there via bus just to turn right back home after failing.
I decided to dedicate my life to a puppy like six months before moving though, and I consistently end up feeling like I totally fucked her and myself over by doing so. I felt like I needed her and she needed me and that it would be the ultimate display of cowardice to rehome her, to admit that I can't do hard things. However, I am so so so exhausted. I have to take her on walks after coming home from whatever ring of hell I was visiting, which genuinely should be a privilege above all else, and I am so fucking miserable doing it. I immediately get so angry. I get so upset if she asks me to use the restroom and I have to take her out. I get upset if her nose touches me, or if she asks to play. I'm a miserable fucking person and I can't enjoy having a sweet albeit crazy dog.
My relationship with my partner is a whole other can of worms.
Anywho, I am supposed to move again to whatever college I get accepted to. Being a mooch weighs on me so heavily, so I'm excited, but I'm also terrified knowing that mine, my partner's, and our dog's wellbeing basically rests on me. I have a psychiatrist appointment of Friday, yes, but I am doing very poorly today and relapsed like a rabid dog after my partner and I got into another tense conversation about nothing.
