I thought I was finally done with this site until my gf ctb'd

[YourLocalSadGirly]

And please don't tell me to get off the internet she was the greatest thing that ever happened to me and now she's gone. I don't have anything else worth living for honestly. We were going to go to college together. I wanted to marry her in the future. Her financial aid got denied and she joked that she was going to kill herself. I knew she was at least a little serious but I couldn't do anything. I told her to call me and she never did. I knew putting her in the hospital wouldn't have helped emotionally but maybe she'd still be alive if I did. I know what-ifs won't get me anywhere but I can't help it.

I was always very good at reading her emotions but I never even got the chance to. She texted me one time today about a bag that I recently bought and then nothing. She left a note but it's so recent I haven't even gotten to read it. I spent a whole year improving my mental health, going to therapy, getting a job, everything you're supposed to do. And now I have nothing meaningful left in my life. I don't even know why I'm making this post honestly I just want someone to see and acknowledge my pain. My parents are treating me like a landmine so I'll probably have to wait a couple months to ctb but I doubt things are going to get any better in that time. Also my therapist quit her job a couple months ago so I'm fucked on that end too. If you're reading this I hope you're having a better day than me.

 

[Lone_Gray_Wolf]

I really can't say anything, no can't even begin to imagine the pain you are going through... I'm really, really sorry for your loss.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[SunnySideSummer]

You knew love , you expérimentes love

You are a whole human being then

I never had experienced love, i wasted my adolescence and youth

I feel like i am not an human being

I friend of mine have a mom with cancer , maybe i became apathic with time but i'd tell to myself " it's normal to have his mom to die, it's not normal to never experiment love " because its the most Universal stuff

So i think he is luckier than me

My mom and anyone around me could die and i can be sad the most possible if beside of this i've could expriment and know love

It's normal to mourn, its human , its an human life

I love this line " receive all the blessing and the cursing of life " and i wish i had the blessing of life

My life isnt hell , i dont know as much poverty as others, my families and friends did not died

But if i had to choose i'd accept the most painful life if just life could let me experiment love just once

And then i'd die because once i discover this face of my humanity and can die as a whole human being or live and however how life can be shit it's only exterior problems and not interior problem

Jesus said what make someone really impure are not what come from outside but what come from inside

Financial problem, everything material are outside , m'y lack of love is an inside problem and i cant heal that

You know love , you expérimented it

Use it as a force to continue to life , your sadness and mourning is just an expérimentation of life

Receive plenty the bless and the curse of this life you are whole

 

[L'appel Du Vide]

But if i had to choose i'd accept the most painful life if just life could let me experiment love just once

This is a "grass is greener" illusion. The depths of suffering are far greater than the heights of love. I lived what you are imagining and envy your ignorance, no offense or insult intended.

 

[679chocolates]

i am so deeply sorry for your loss. loving someone so much and getting better just to be thrown back down has to be unimaginably rough. i'm so sorry…

 

[J&L383]

I am so sorry.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

That sounds unimaginably painful. If you would someone to talk to, you can reach out to me.

 

[SunnySideSummer]

This is a "grass is greener" illusion. The depths of suffering are far greater than the heights of love. I lived what you are imagining and envy your ignorance, no offense or insult intended.

I think love and romance is the msor universal stuff in this world , this is to me why we are born and what make us literally human being

 

[eggsausagerice]

This is a "grass is greener" illusion. The depths of suffering are far greater than the heights of love. I lived what you are imagining and envy your ignorance, no offense or insult intended.

i agree. it is very, very painful to love someone then lose them. even a breakup can tear a normal person to pieces.
having someone really close to you can make you feel more full and warm than you could ever imagine. you think about the future, about dreams, and every day is shared with that person. it's so hard to think that you can feel happy again after they're gone.

I don't even know why I'm making this post honestly I just want someone to see and acknowledge my pain. My parents are treating me like a landmine so I'll probably have to wait a couple months to ctb but I doubt things are going to get any better in that time. Also my therapist quit her job a couple months ago so I'm fucked on that end too. If you're reading this I hope you're having a better day than me.

i wanted you to know that i read your post and i'm very sorry for your loss. i know there's nothing i can say to you and nothing anybody can do you make you feel better. the first day and the first week is the worst of them all. i hope that there's still things that can make you smile even if everything is awful. some nights i feel haunted, even if he's still alive. i can't tell you that it gets easier.

 

[trist]

i'm so sorry for your loss. i know how you feel since i recently lost my best friend to suicide. i was also finally trying to improve my life just to lose all hope. i wish i could help somehow but i unfortunately can't.

 

[h0axly]

Very sorry to hear about your loss and your feelings are totally valid. It's hard to see you throwing in the towel, though. If you've worked this hard to stabilise yourself, I think you should find little ways to keep going in her memory. Indulge in her favourite foods, shows, hobbies...things that make you still feel close to all the things that made her her. Definitely try to find another therapist. I appreciate it's hard to build that level of trust with them, but she's not the only one who can ever help you. You've been doing a lot right, I think it's worth it to keep at it. Give yourself time all the time you need to feel this loss but also time to reconsider CTB. At least for now.