The time SHOULD be now...but I'm cowardly

[bee_bee]

THIS is the perfect moment for me to CTB. I have a 45 with hollow points ready to go, I'm alone, I've had my weekly dose of major trauma and bad news, I want to do it. But Every time I try to stand up and go and do it, my body doesn't respond to my commands. I don't know exactly what is stopping me, fear maybe, cowardice, I don't know what.
I'm tired of getting major trauma week after week and things are not going to get better any time soon, and when they do I'll still be alone but old and still pretty much a loser, I don't want to grow old like that.

Please help, I want to do this but I can't. Any help is appreciated.

 

[Endofit]

Unfortunately i'm sorry I cannot help because Im in the same place. Everything tells me to do it but I fucking cant. I wish you and I will find a way to get over it, whatever it is.

 

[dinosavr]

It seems like there's something subconscious that's stopping you.
Have you tried meditation? Maybe it will help you find out what kind of fight is going on inside of you now.

 

[FuneralCry]

All humans are programmed to survive after all so suicide simply isn't straightforward, I don't believe that one is cowardly if they struggle to cease existing on their own terms. But anyway I hope that you eventually find freedom from your suffering.

 

[FutureHanger]

look we're not a pro death suicide cult so I'm not gonna tell you what to do but I will propose a solution that helped me get over anxiety and hypothetically speaking may work for you

If you have a couple hours alone to yourself then you might want to (again all hypothetical and I'm not encouraging you to do anything) wait whilst shaking off the fear somehow, maybe walking, working out, vibing to music etc. before you hypothetically decide to commit dangerous acts which I won't encourage you to make. It took me a little over 2 hours to shake off the anxiety before my attempt so you'll need to patiently wait, remember if you're gonna commit dangerous fatal acts to yourself which I'm not encouraging you do, then it won't matter if you wait even if it feels like a while, after all when you're dead you can't care about how long it took to CTB.

Edit: even when I calmed down I still got SI anxiety but it was different, if you're like me I imagine rn you're probably feeling a rush of anxiety and adrenaline to the point you feel restless and can really feel your heartbeat, when I say shake it off I mean wait till the massive surge of adrenaline and energy calms down. Even after this calming down I still got SI but the thoughts changed, I instead started having thoughts of good memories whilst nostalgia was blinding me into thinking I'd experience more nice things then I realised that my original massive anxiety was gone and those nostalgic thoughts were just SI's last attempts at changing my mind, maybe it may manifest differently for you and in your case you won't get nostalgic flashbacks when you calm down but you'll definitely be able to notice when the original massive surge dies down and you're just experiencing SI's desperate last attempts at changing your mind