Venting THE TIME IS NIGH

[musicistheonlything]

Hey guys,

So just for context for those who haven't seen anything I've said before in very numerous posts before(lol), I've kinda decided that I would ctb after the one person I care about dies. I've also said that that person is expected to die in a couple of years, so it was kinda a distant future that I've been persevering towards.
But flash forward to today, they're now in critical condition and in the hospital, and they're unable to function at all without the use of painkillers. I don't know exactly how long it'll take until they croak, but there's no way(I hope) that they're gonna last more than a couple of more weeks max. Now, by the way I'm saying all this, you're probably thinking that I'm not very upset about all of this, you know, since the only person I care about is dying right now. And you're right. I'm absolutely ecstatic, even though I just left her hospital room about to cry and/or throw up. I know that my emotions are just going through a thing right now because of the situation, but there's no mistaking the glee I feel when I think of them disappearing. It feels like I'm gonna be freed from the curse of "having to exist" at last, and I can't wait. I want them to go when their time comes, but godamn I'm praying for it to come as quickly as it can.
For everybody who reads this, I just want to hear your opinions on me as a human being. Am I disgusting? Am I unforgivable for thinking and feeling these things? I think so, and I don't give a shit. Or if you think it's perfectly okay for me to feel like this, or if you even think that I should be more confident in myself, say whatever you want. I've never spoken to anybody about this out loud(because duh) so I really want to hear everybody's thoughts on this.

Thanks!

 

[MusicEnjoyer:D]

I'm in your same situation. I'm kind of stuck here because somebody else, and it starts to feel like your chained to this world. That said, feeling happy because that person leaves would be normal.

 

[thgilrats]

I would rather call it interesting than disgusting. For me, personally, these thoughts are neither moral nor amoral, they're more of a greyish tones of morality. But maybe that's because of my beliefs. But, aside from that, I would say that those types of thoughts are pretty normal? You feel trapped because you don't want to hurt this person and so, feeling free after their death, and craving this feeling is quite understandable, I think. So yeah, it's okay.

 

[FuneralCry]

The way that you feel is really understandable and there's nothing wrong with it at all, to me it makes sense feeling relieved at the thought of being free from this world and I also see existence as being a curse. The thought of being gone is the only comfort in such a hellish world as the non existent cannot suffer and in death everything is forgotten about. But anyway I wish you the best and I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Actually- no- it isn't disgusting. You've been selfless so far and hung on for them and- presumably- they don't realise how you feel. I'm actually in a similar position. I'm holding on for my Dad. It feels monstrous to wish him gone- but at the same time- sometimes I wonder how I'm going to get through it if I have years and years to wait. It isn't that we wish them harm- it's more that we're reaching the end of what we feel we can cope with. I hope they go peacefully and you are able to feel free.