I find it very difficult to come to terms on what the aftermath of suicide would leave my family and friends to cope with, for presumably the rest of their lives. This is not meant to minimize the reason to live or consider not going through with CTB for anyone who may not have people in their lives who they think are being impacted - my heart aches for each of you every day and I would never presume to know what you're dealing with.
My plan, if it comes to it, is to go by a well planned and practiced strangulation. It won't be much of a challenge for me to go through with it. I don't despise my own existence, there are plenty of reasons for me to continue working on my own life as much as I see fit, but if I know that my health issues are on the far end of the spectrum then I'll take control of my own path. Last night I made that statement to my wife and I stand by it. We have our second daughter due in July and my first child is just a little over 2 years old now. They mean the world to me and I want them to know me in the best of ways as long as I can be just that.
Medical issues, both physical and mental, have taken a toll on me over the last few years. Alcoholism is what is killing me today. Last Friday my liver specialist told me that my liver cirrhosis is to the point where they don't know when it may fail, but it's unlikely that I would qualify for a liver transplant due to my continued alcohol abuse. I haven't drank for fun in years, but it hasn't kept me from drinking. My wife found another bottle today, which I no longer even actively hide, and she booked plane tickets for her and our daughter to go stay with her family if she decides to go through with it. They'd leave next Wednesday (despite the COVID shit), the day after my 32nd birthday. I don't blame her. She's been doing everything she can to be supportive and I just can't seem to find a better copping mechanism for my pain. She loves me and doesn't deserve to see the self harm I'm inflicting on myself. I've done rehab and to be honest it's a waste for me to go through with it again based on my current state.
Most days I'm in pain, or sick in some capacity. I have the autoimmune disease, psoriasis, so I've more often than not been sick over the last nearly three years - plus alcoholism fuels it. I was laid off at the end of last year and have no idea how to reintegrate myself into society. Depression and crippling anxiety have taken their toll on me as well, although I'm on some meds from my psychiatrist that have eliminated most of the anxiety attacks (finally after 5 different drugs). Eating, sleeping, and digestive issues have been horrendous during this time as well. I have issues separating rational thoughts from delusions.
My family has always been there for me. My parents are immaculate and wish the best for me, my sister and her family are wonderful, and I can't speak well enough about the hundreds of friendships I've had over the last 30 years. These people deserve better than what I'll offer them with the decision to take my own life. If I decide to go through with it, I'll hate to leave them in the position of wondering what they could have done to make things better. For that reason I'll continue to put my CTB on hold for as long as I can before determining that this is the right course of action. Thanks you all for reading this and I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart.
My plan, if it comes to it, is to go by a well planned and practiced strangulation. It won't be much of a challenge for me to go through with it. I don't despise my own existence, there are plenty of reasons for me to continue working on my own life as much as I see fit, but if I know that my health issues are on the far end of the spectrum then I'll take control of my own path. Last night I made that statement to my wife and I stand by it. We have our second daughter due in July and my first child is just a little over 2 years old now. They mean the world to me and I want them to know me in the best of ways as long as I can be just that.
Medical issues, both physical and mental, have taken a toll on me over the last few years. Alcoholism is what is killing me today. Last Friday my liver specialist told me that my liver cirrhosis is to the point where they don't know when it may fail, but it's unlikely that I would qualify for a liver transplant due to my continued alcohol abuse. I haven't drank for fun in years, but it hasn't kept me from drinking. My wife found another bottle today, which I no longer even actively hide, and she booked plane tickets for her and our daughter to go stay with her family if she decides to go through with it. They'd leave next Wednesday (despite the COVID shit), the day after my 32nd birthday. I don't blame her. She's been doing everything she can to be supportive and I just can't seem to find a better copping mechanism for my pain. She loves me and doesn't deserve to see the self harm I'm inflicting on myself. I've done rehab and to be honest it's a waste for me to go through with it again based on my current state.
Most days I'm in pain, or sick in some capacity. I have the autoimmune disease, psoriasis, so I've more often than not been sick over the last nearly three years - plus alcoholism fuels it. I was laid off at the end of last year and have no idea how to reintegrate myself into society. Depression and crippling anxiety have taken their toll on me as well, although I'm on some meds from my psychiatrist that have eliminated most of the anxiety attacks (finally after 5 different drugs). Eating, sleeping, and digestive issues have been horrendous during this time as well. I have issues separating rational thoughts from delusions.
My family has always been there for me. My parents are immaculate and wish the best for me, my sister and her family are wonderful, and I can't speak well enough about the hundreds of friendships I've had over the last 30 years. These people deserve better than what I'll offer them with the decision to take my own life. If I decide to go through with it, I'll hate to leave them in the position of wondering what they could have done to make things better. For that reason I'll continue to put my CTB on hold for as long as I can before determining that this is the right course of action. Thanks you all for reading this and I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart.
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