You all can read my last threads and my history about family and these things. Well, now I became a fucking prostitute to pay my coke and my boyfriend's addict. Well, my whole life was a shit and now I have a son of 1 y.o. to care him and I just don't know where the fucking how I will have courage to it. I don't want to eat, to job, to play, to draw. Raped all my life and still raped. Now, my body is totally violated and cry doesn't fix anything in this world. Everyday I'd use drugs and I can't live without'em. It's impossible. I can't buy a fucking sushi because I spend all my money with that shit. Now I want to die again. I passed 2 months without thinkin' in suicide and today I want to hang up myself. I took just 2mg of clonazepam and I will earn more tomorrow. Well, that's my end: a prostitute addicted having overdose of Clonazepam and Cocaine mixed and left her family.
I know no one will read this, why would somebody care about me?
I'm just a grain of salt on the deep of the sea.
I'm sorry to hear that the story is about yourself.
Please forgive me if I sound condescending as I show you possible paths.
1. Starve only spending on drugs. Your child will probably starve too & be crooked (i have bad eyes & legs from only eating kraft dinner). Sleep with men you don't want (kinda rape?) To pay drugs to some dude so he won't leave you. Sounds like extra pain but you get the possibility to OD on drugs.
2. You'd be surprised how much pain a body & mind can endure without dying. I'm sure you know. You don't need drugs to live. They are now addictive chains that traps you in sexual slavery. You can stop them. Quitting cold turkey will make you sick as hell, maybe even kill you. I quit pot abruptly & medicine... I craved pot for 6 months then I stopped seeing it as a way to cope and it means nothing to me. I almost died from quitying the medicine but chose to heal with nutrition instead to be a damn addicted slave to the next prescription. You'll be able to afford food, maybe you actually can't live without sushi & don't know yet. I doubt I could prostitute myself without dope, so how about applying to dome shitty job at walmart or mcdonald so you won't need prostitution & the dope to bear it. Both out at once. Maybe become a sexy secretary, or a masseuse... might pay better... I liked to work in a warehouse, I had peace away from clients handling boxes. You can call the police, claim you want to kill yourself... I just did. They mistreated me in the psych ward but I gad food, bed, & free drugs for a week. You might detox there while gaving some free drugs to go off slowly (they're probably worse than street drugs though. They cause psychosis) they might take your baby away into adoption... But they can be abused there. You can break up with the guy if he refuses to get a job. You can embeace mother instincts & do it to protect the baby from pedo pimps... Trying something new us hard but doable. You can try both until you get hired. How about a waitress? Even sancing naked without penetration would get money without feeling as raped... Why surrender to the shitty fate imposed on you. If you wish to try better, go ahead. You need drugs to endure prostitution (and other sexual abuse) & Prostitution to pay for drugs. You can provevto yourself that your vagina isn't up for strangers & only for someone who love & respect you. Abstinence would probably be therapeutic. Detox is hell but remporary. Like a path of lava through hell so you can reach a flower field. You can be a cashier in a grocery store? I knew someone who worked at tim horton (coffee shop) to get free food.
You can say fuck that shit today. Fill some shitty mcdonald form or some shit that will be crap but won't feel like rape. Or you can make money faster with prostitution but then have to waste it all trying to forget that you got it feeling raped more...
You can put shame aside & grab your power. You decide who get into your body! You ate thinking if suicide, of murder, use that for self defense. Revolt! Against men, society, fate itself.
You need food to survive. But you don't need drugs. They stop you from getting what you truly want. And that's sushi.
When you'll be in agony detoxing... Keep thinking of the sushi... Of no longer being men's doll. Of being free!
Do it for yourself. Your son. The sushi. You could even go to school & start a business or become a therapist to help girls escape too.
