The struggle to ctb

[PDAnnie2610]

I've recently been plunged into a lot of pain, to the point where ctb seems like the only viable option where I'll get some relief. The pain of abandonment, and the fears associated with dissociative self-harm, coupled with the chronic insomnia due to the agitation associated with the breakup and the loss of my hopes and dreams have made living an extreme difficulty. I tire of crying and feeling as though the penknife is my only steady companion. I feel as if I'm begging for love where none is to be found.

I tried very hard and work my way through, holding onto hope all these years despite my struggles with both mental and physical health. Whilst I've achieved what most could not, I've also come to a point where I'm starting to realise that resisting the ultimate destiny of suicide is a very futile gesture.

I know that change will be difficult and the uncertainty of the future makes living day by day painful. I don't like the monster I've become, and I despised that I'm begging for love and care, knowing that I'm not entitled to much, if any. I longed for the hugs that I've lost forever, and the sweet dreams of belonging to a family and having a child with him.

I've planned my ctb to be the day after my birthday and I'm slowly but surely making my plans. I love my family, him and his family very much and I regret very much causing them pain through my departure. But honestly, 3 weeks of insomnia, crying and loneliness has crippled me and I'm leaning on scraps offered by others to survive. I've caused them so much stress and I need to exit before more suffering is endured.

I've always wished for a sky burial where the vultures would eat up my carcass after I end my life staring at the deep blue sky. I've achieved most of what I can possibly hope for, hence i can only hope I can maximise the remaining 3 months that I have.

thanks for reading.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life can be so cruel, it can be hard to live when we are constantly suffering, I understand that. If this is the option you want, then I wish you peace.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

This life can be so cruel, it can be hard to live when we are constantly suffering, I understand that. If this is the option you want, then I wish you peace.

thank you.

I'm using this thread to document my thoughts and interactions over the next 3 months plus. Given what has been happening, I know I'll slowly lose it.. it's a tenacious grip, at best.

Around 5 days ago, I discovered fresh cuts on my body, and I had no memory of inflicting them. It was on a part of my body that I struggled not to self harm on, hence my shock. It also happened in the aftermath of a stressful trigger (friend's sister being sectioned) and I was experiencing high amount of panic and anxiety over remembering my own nasty encounters being sectioned in my own home country.

I've been struggling to sleep. It has been hell since the 2 weeks leading to the breakup which happened a week ago. I don't think I had a day where I slept properly, to be honest. I either couldn't sleep at all or slept only up to 4 hours per day.. It was hurting me.

I am very tense and my mind has been in overdrive. It's getting painful and I'm desperate to end my pain. I've a timeline planned, work to see through and gifts and letters for different friends to plan for before clearing some of my mess and leaving.

 

[PaxAmerica]

Yes i have always been drawn to sky burial too. Natural

 

[PDAnnie2610]

His mom has been one of the few friends in my life who's been cheering me on. It's ironic in a way, yet it has also possibly helped allay my desire to ctb (impulsively). Yet I'm already accepting on one level that she would never be my mom, and that I'll never belong to a family, not at least in the way I hope.

To know love and to have belonged to a family (albeit briefly), only to be thrown out and feel displaced has hurt a lot. It's difficult to feel like a lost doggie wandering around again. I've told her that I wish she's my mom but we knew that to be impossible, and it's ok. I know there's no place in this world for me. I've worked hard to give those I work for what I can never have and I hope that they will never feel the sense of despair I have in life. It's hard to feel alienated from others mostly, or to feel like damaged, unwanted goods.

I was hoping work would wrap up around my birthday but it looks like I'll have to choose to ctb on a later date. It's fine either way though. Life will go on for my loved ones after I leave but at least I won't feel like a lost, unwanted doggie anymore.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

I don't dare to trust that he will reconcile with me. Emotionally, I'm closer to ctb than before. It's especially the case when his mom has maxed out her capacity to help me further. I wish I can ctb soon.

Something not so nice happened yesterday - I got bullied yesterday by a random stranger who decided to be nasty. Dealing with it alone and being alone in the aftermath of it had been difficult. Coupled with the lockdowns and the changes I've got to accommodate has been rough.

I wish Nov will come and I can move on. Boarding the bus will be a mercy.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

I don't feel as if there truly is someone who's willing to sit with me and help me walk through my anxiety and agitation/depression. I am constantly overwhelmed and feel as though I'm constantly overwhelming others with how I feel. I try my very best and yet I often feel as though it's not good enough.

To know a taste of heaven only to be thrown out again has been hard. To live with shattered dreams - of working as a professional in my desired field, to have a loving partner and a kid feels like too much to ask for. I'm not asking to be rich or to live a comfortable life but to be thrown out for having intense emotions and anxiety when I've done what I can to preempt that from the very start was so unfair.

Maybe it's God's way of telling me that my time is up. That I don't deserve to be part of any family, not his, not mine nor God's family. Maybe my place is truly in the pits of hell with Satan.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

It truly can be trying to stave off the impulse to ctb. He now holds the view that with both of us mutually seeking help, we can one day be a couple again. Little did he know that I wasn't planning to stick around. It's not revenge but I'm just tired.
Letting go has not been easy. I still care but with time, the pain has ebbed.

I've asked a few days to talk to his mom on either today or yesterday. She said she would arrange... She wasn't able to yesterday as she's busy with family but she asked just now if she can talk to me tomorrow instead as she's tired after a long walk. Sounds like I'll be having a nice talk later with my blade because it's so dreadful to be at the bottom of the food chain.. it hurts.
I replied that it's fine as I'm similarly drained. But I'm drained in more than one way.
Hell sounds like a fantastic alternative to the mental HELL I'm trapped in.

 

[Beached_whale]

coupled with the chronic insomnia due to the agitation associated with the breakup and the loss of my hopes and dreams have made living an extreme difficulty.

Can relate!

 

[PDAnnie2610]

I felt that the gloom has lifted but I also believe that it's best for me to let go of life and to leave as per decided. I'll be prepping gifts for loved ones, making plans for my limited finances and then it will be time to start making plans for the bus ride.

it does probably mean I shouldn't try to even bother with the occupational therapist as it's a waste of $$ no?

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Something has thrown a spanner in the works. I cannot bear to go during the birthday period of someone who matters to me. Yet, I'll have a far longer wait if I want to avoid CTB during that period and miss out on going on my birthday. With her birthday 2 weeks after my mom, and mom being a week after mine, I am stuck unless I heartlessly choose to ctb regardless.
But what if I don't matter to start with?

something happened at work and then something similar happened with a friend yesterday that triggered me. A kid I knew was scolded and smacked (once on the hand) by her helper at home for no reason and she was distressed as a result. As requested, I texted to inform the mom who immediately rushed home within the hour for her child.

My ex who's struggling finally managed to initiate talking to his mom with my encouragement. The mom set up a 3 hour time slot within 3 days to spend time with him. I hope it goes well for them.

But when I dissociated during an outpatient psych appointment and my psychiatrist called my mom, my mom asked to come only after she finished work 3 hours later. I still remembered my psych doc incredulous look on her face before she decided to tell my mom that she didn't have to come fetch me. Doctor took me to the taxi stand for me to take the taxi home...

Am I not worth time from my parents?