dra1ncoreslwt
tove 𓆩♡𓆪
- Mar 22, 2023
- 129
this is mostly to vent, I don't condone any of this destructive behavior, but if anyone has any advice or their own personal story to share go ahead.
I've never been bold about SH mostly because I'm scared of the physical pain, it feels like my instincts and common sense kick in when I grab a blade or knife. so what has been sounding oddly blissful to me lately has been trying OD'ing. I've never consumed drugs of any kind so I'm aiming towards dangerous dosage of medication I have in my home, mostly mixtures. I was reviewing the pharmaceutics I have and memorizing the names, reactions and damage, I also did research because in case of a failed attempt I wouldn't want to become disabled or have a life long liver failure. after making sure the medication I had doesn't do that and it had the reactions I wanted to feel (seizure, vomiting, spasms, system crash) practice or simply try, I couldn't get it off of my mind for the whole day of yesterday. during my breakdown yesterday my s/o and best friend on call were calming me down, which made me feel a huge amount of guilt, but after I calmed down I left the call on mute and said I'd brb. I go to the bathroom and when I come back I stare at my medication on my desk with a huge impulsive feeling. but right after I hear my sibling knocking on my door. I open and ask what's up, naturally and calm, they start saying they got scared because my s/o texted them that I wasn't answering. I shrug it off calmly and they eventually leave. And then it hits me hard like a rock, that they stopped me from trying OD'ing. it wasn't the first time I had a failed attempt, the very first time I was about to try it my s/o texted me so I froze up. it feels like they're starting to notice and now I feel even more guilty because of the very deep, meaningful and emotional conversation we had. yet I can't shake the idea, that I have to OD and it's the next step getting me closer to what I want. even though I don't know what I want.
I've never been bold about SH mostly because I'm scared of the physical pain, it feels like my instincts and common sense kick in when I grab a blade or knife. so what has been sounding oddly blissful to me lately has been trying OD'ing. I've never consumed drugs of any kind so I'm aiming towards dangerous dosage of medication I have in my home, mostly mixtures. I was reviewing the pharmaceutics I have and memorizing the names, reactions and damage, I also did research because in case of a failed attempt I wouldn't want to become disabled or have a life long liver failure. after making sure the medication I had doesn't do that and it had the reactions I wanted to feel (seizure, vomiting, spasms, system crash) practice or simply try, I couldn't get it off of my mind for the whole day of yesterday. during my breakdown yesterday my s/o and best friend on call were calming me down, which made me feel a huge amount of guilt, but after I calmed down I left the call on mute and said I'd brb. I go to the bathroom and when I come back I stare at my medication on my desk with a huge impulsive feeling. but right after I hear my sibling knocking on my door. I open and ask what's up, naturally and calm, they start saying they got scared because my s/o texted them that I wasn't answering. I shrug it off calmly and they eventually leave. And then it hits me hard like a rock, that they stopped me from trying OD'ing. it wasn't the first time I had a failed attempt, the very first time I was about to try it my s/o texted me so I froze up. it feels like they're starting to notice and now I feel even more guilty because of the very deep, meaningful and emotional conversation we had. yet I can't shake the idea, that I have to OD and it's the next step getting me closer to what I want. even though I don't know what I want.
