The shame I feel is the strongest argument in favor of suicide and I can't counter it

[left0vers]

That feeling is so overbearing because it's right: I did it. Those things are attached to my name and I can't undo them. There is no way of breaking free other than killing myself. It's the only way I can cleanse.

 

[pepperfarmer]

I feel you, honestly I could've made this post myself. Having a shameful, disgusting past is one of those things that can really hollow you from the inside out. You feel horrified at yourself because you know you've done it, and you feel ridiculous feeling bad about it because you know you're not the victim. And it just doesn't stop because, at the end of the day, you know your shame and guilt will never absolve you, it'll still have happened. It just sucks.

 

[left0vers]

I feel you, honestly I could've made this post myself. Having a shameful, disgusting past is one of those things that can really hollow you from the inside out. You feel horrified at yourself because you know you've done it, and you feel ridiculous feeling bad about it because you know you're not the victim. And it just doesn't stop because, at the end of the day, you know your shame and guilt will never absolve you, it'll still have happened. It just sucks.

100%. Honestly, heavy coping is the only way to make it feel even semi-bearable. Either by dissolving myself in escapistic activities or by attempting to dissociate. Like literally get rid of the ego so I don't have to bear the guilt anymore. And for some fucking reason, despite all this, I still don't have the courage to get a rope around my neck and kill this fucking thing for good.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

While I never did something truly as horrible (imo, but I think most people that knew my entire life agree with this) I also have deeds from my past that I am not proud of and try to be better. It probably doesn't quite compare to the feeling of hauntedness you guys are apparently feeling from what I gather regarding how you talk about it.
In any case I firmly believe what I wrote here in @pepperfarmer 's own thread about it to be true and maybe this helps you somewhat:

You've seen your mistake, apologised, atoned or however you want to call it and most importantly you changed your behaviour now. Therefore you aren't that (bad) version of yourself anymore. In my opinion that means you don't need to put yourself down over it anymore than you already have and should forgive yourself for past mistakes and operate from a clean slate from here on out – if you can manage that. After all the best mistakes are good for is to learn from them and hopefully not repeat them in the future.

I did some stupid stuff as well that I'm not proud of, not as consistent, more like isolated events. But I have forgiven myself for most of those by now and I just try to do better next time a similar situation might arise.