Venting The shallow media portrayal of self harm

[Cauliflour]

Google "Self Harm" right now and pay attention to the search results. Most, if not all, of the websites listed are those same-y PSA websites that mostly go on about self harm in teenagers and I think the easiest way is just to show the Google Images search results:

See what I mean? These all feel like they're made for parents of teenagers talking about a dangerous phase and that if you go up to them and say "hey stop cutting yourself" they'll grow out of it. It's a factor sure, but it doesn't show the full picture and it's starting to tire me as someone who is a self harmer. There's no nuance, it's all treated like "teenagers doing stupid teenager things". Compare this to somewhere like r/selfharm_memes or r/madeofstyrofoam which paints a much richer picture. A less sterilised one, even though those 2 subreddits are age restricted. I think a lot of people here can agree that the addiction mostly starts in teenagehood so why give the people who arguably need the full picture the most, the clean sterile version that just goes "cutting bad don't do it". Like surely you would want to go all out on the details and horrify them so much they're too scared to attempt it? I suppose you could extend this to mental health in general: teenage mental health is not taken seriously at all and also has that clean sterile aesthetic to it.

Not to mention, self harm is much broader than people think. Like if you noticed in the screenshot, I searched up "self harming for fun" and none of these are about that, just the most general self harm PSAs you can imagine. Here's one of the top websites for example:

I like the use of the word "typically" as it shows some kind of nuance. Shame the article doesn't show that (apart from this at the top):

The article is fine: it's not harmful, just painfully generic. I wouldn't mind it's simplicity if it wasn't for every other god damn webpage on this subject being just as simple and surface level too.

Anyway let's look at the strategies section:


1. I wonder how many people actually do this. Whenever people find out, they just get angry at me and do things like snitch on me and drag me into my old school's nurse's office. Literally I think the only person I actually willingly told that I know IRL was an alcoholic with bipolar disorder (the conversation was in that sort of direction already) and they were like "nah don't do that just get tattoos instead" and why was it that the person who had a list of special needs at the school we were in at the time the most respectable about it?

2. This isn't gonna do shit. I don't feel overwhelmed much. I don't feel strong emotions in general much. It's more annoyance really that I grow over time if I don't cut, typically about a week afterwards I start to get irritated and can't focus properly, especially at night, until I cut again. Mostly based on the appearance of the cuts and how far they've healed. All this is gonna do is make me annoyed that I'm not using that time to cut.

3. Well there used to be more to me than self harm but when you've been doing it for this long, it sorta morphs into you as part of your overall identity. Hell it's why I bring it up so much on here. Also those questions are useless to me because I'm incredibly out of touch with my feelings (good ol autism). In fact, different forms of self harm is the easiest thing for me to pin point emotions too, at least with positive ones. Fun fact, up to half of autistic people self harm.

4. Alright. Step 1: my lower right arm, because that's where I mostly cut and also the scars on there need more density to look more pleasing. It's doing that slight tingle thing through to my fingers, probably because I fucked up a nerve. Step 2: I want to cause bodily harm to my non dominant arm. That is a valid feeling. It's valid to want to fuck up my arm because I am worthy of possessing such beautiful scars because It's been 191 days and I haven't crashed out yet and gone to a mental hospital. I've accepted that wanting to rip open my veins is okay, but I accepted that like 2 years ago so...Step 3: well I'm currently waiting for the paracetemol to kick in to get rid of these damn period cramps so I don't think this is a fair test. Step 4: I am sending kindness to myself. I am good at making scars. I did a good job last time. I am perfectly okay for finding enjoyment in doing this. I am perfectly okay for much preferring this over masturbation like normal people.

Yeah, I don't think that works on me. That's the thing with a lot of these PSAs nowadays. They've figured out it's broad and so acknowledge it, but they don't properly adjust their thinking to match, so it just comes off as irritating to people like me who are freaks for liking this. Also, if 1 in 5 young people self harm then why does media almost never write it into plots, especially if they're trying to be "progressive" or whatever. Like, it's visual storytelling, why isn't it used more? Literally all the examples I can think of come from indie games who are mostly people like me, which is probably for the 13 year old girls in their edgy phase to go "woah they're so psychotic! cooooool" like Emily from Class of 09 is one that comes to mind. I went and typed into Google "why do people self harm "for fun"" and from the few articles (ie reddit posts) that I could find, were more like why people day drink: got nothing better to do. I do have things to fill in time, probably too many things so that doesn't fit either. It is annoying how even after doing the quotation mark thing I still had to go digging.

There's not really a point to this post, it's just that it's almost midnight and this was pissing me off while I was trying to convince myself not to cut tonight because I can take a long time doing it (perfectionism) and I have to wake up early tomorrow (but to be honest I really just substituted that time for writing this post so ehhh...). Does make me wonder where it came from as I didn't start off self harming for fun, it just developed over time to the point where I would laugh if a hot woman was peeling my skin alive if I asked them to. Never gotten into a situation close to that but I do daydream about it a lot like that's not BDSM anymore that's straight up insanity. I wonder how I sound to a normal person when I'm going off like this cause I don't bat an eye, it's normal to me but any sane person would...probably think I just never got out of my edgy phase actually and that I don't mean any of it (even though I very much do).

 

[U. A.]

I find it interesting that despite the existence of "self-flagellation" traditions in (mostly religious) cultures across place and time, in common society this is indeed become a one-dimensional phenomenon that's strictly bad.

Especially given all the christian traditions of mortification of flesh, because we all know how obsessed christians are with sin and evil and salvation in general - this practice is just fringe?

 

[LaetumCat]

I very much agree with you, especially your fourth point - exactly, to the people who are "freaks" about it and dont see it as "wrong", those feel like forced recovery sort of..I really hate that.
And the 1 in 5 people self harm thing oh god....1 out of 5 people where??? USA?? Europe? globally?? And are they talking about the ones they've ""tested"" (as in, experimented...the wording is horrible but I dont know how to word it differently)?? Are they talking about 1 out of 5 people currently in therapy?? Like, I very very highly doubt it is 20%...not to mention if theyve asked teens who are actually *currently* doing it (aka, not "healed" adults), they'd mostly likely lie. I dont remember what grade I was in, but in school they made us fill out this state (school?? they didnt tell us much what it was) test about our mental health, situation at home, studying/grades, etc etc, and even tho it was completely anonymous, I still lied in a lot of it. Some of my classmates lied too - for example some of the class clowns put that their gender as non-binbary or that theyre gay, even if they were very homophobic and transphobic in class (<- plus they said they wrote it there as a joke), so honestly, these tests, no matter if anonymous or not, are never really accurate.
thank you for this post, really appreciate it ^^

 

[rururiruru]

i think ive read somewhere that brain prefers low to mild pain over boredom so yeah it is somehow proven scientifically
i think ive read somewhere that brain prefers low to mild pain over boredom so yeah it is somehow proven scientifically

 

[jimmyinnout]

Honestly I don't understand what's bad about self harm unless you're consistently injuring yourself in a way that requires intensive treatment (ie. hospital visits or similar) or especially concerned about the aesthetic appearance of your skin. It's not that I think it's good either but I don't see WHY the act in of itself is treated as one of the worst habits you could engage with. Technically something like eating sugar based/processed foods is very likely doing significantly more physical damage to your body, but that doesn't make anyone uncomfortable

 

[CumbriaCTB]

I looked up "Self Harm" on DuckDuckGo and went to images. It was largely the same as Google except DuckDuckGo will actually show you pictures of bleeding wounds lmao

There was one picture (I'm in the UK and can't upload images through a VPN) that caught my eye: a "vicious cycle" of sorts that basically went:

• You get TRIGGERED!!!!
• You cut yourself
• You feel relief [not high? lol]
• Uh oh, you get all guilty and shameful afterwards [this where my real problem with this image begins]
• All that self-loathing from all the self-harm gets you *gasp* TRIGGERED AGAIN

The problem I have is simple: I don't feel guilty about any of this. At all. Maybe when I was 12 and discovered self-harming after stabbing myself in the foot and watching the blood trickle out (disproving the social contagion theory of self-harm by the way) and I didn't want my parents to see the blood droplets on my bedsheets... yeah, I was probably ashamed of myself then.

By age 14 when I switched to the classic forearm-slashing (albeit down the road rather than across the street as I like to maximise blood output) I was proudly walking around school absolutely drenched in my own blood. I had a reputation for just doing it in the middle of class in full view of everyone. No shame there. It also didn't help that the school uniform required a plain white shirt haha

It's been almost a decade since I got expelled and I still look back and laugh at how bold I was even back then! And how much I just didn't care despite people complaining about it!

I don't hate myself for self-harm. In fact, it's much the opposite: the feeling I get after cutting makes me love myself and allows me to think clearly enough to make decisions that benefit me. Heck, I brought the knife with me while bathing this time and I ended up having a literal bloodbath; afterwards, I had the clarity of mind to cut out one of my actual triggers from my life completely. Best decision I've made in a while.

I'm likely going to have a relaxing few hours while I'm still hiding the blood-high. Only when I haven't cut in a while will I actually need to do it again as it feels as if my skeleton is trying to rip its way out of my skin when I don't cut for a while which is the most common trigger for my cutting - withdrawal symptoms, essentially. That's pretty much how it is for me now. My skin craves the sting of the blade and the warmth of my blood lmao

 

[quietpill]

I've been "sober" from my self-harm for months now, and for nearly a year before my "relapse" then. You're words have struck very deep because while I would SH in deep places of depression and self-hatred, it was one of the only things that made me happy. Nothing still makes me happy quite like cutting. I wish I could be bold like some of the others in my comments, but I hate attention and I am a chronic coward so I targeted the easily hidden places. Places just for me. I miss SH so much and I think about it every day, I wish it wasm't so demonized so I could partake more openly instead of know I'd be subjected to friends and family being personally offended by it and giving me a hard time or threatening to send me to a psych/psych ward.

I love my scars so much, I hate that they're faded and that I have to hold back my desire. No other crutch (alcohol, weed, and cigarettes) has been able to compare to the serenity or giddiness and relief SH would give me and I love reading over this thread. Your points are so interesting, I feel I've been whispering your sentiments quietly to myself for the better half of a decade but you've spoken them such that I feel bindication and understanding in ways I never thought I would. And it is fucking stupid how infantilized it is, thank you so much for speaking your mind.

 

[Cauliflour]

I looked up "Self Harm" on DuckDuckGo and went to images. It was largely the same as Google except DuckDuckGo will actually show you pictures of bleeding wounds lmao

There was one picture (I'm in the UK and can't upload images through a VPN) that caught my eye: a "vicious cycle" of sorts that basically went:

• You get TRIGGERED!!!!
• You cut yourself
• You feel relief [not high? lol]
• Uh oh, you get all guilty and shameful afterwards [this where my real problem with this image begins]
• All that self-loathing from all the self-harm gets you *gasp* TRIGGERED AGAIN

The problem I have is simple: I don't feel guilty about any of this. At all. Maybe when I was 12 and discovered self-harming after stabbing myself in the foot and watching the blood trickle out (disproving the social contagion theory of self-harm by the way) and I didn't want my parents to see the blood droplets on my bedsheets... yeah, I was probably ashamed of myself then.

By age 14 when I switched to the classic forearm-slashing (albeit down the road rather than across the street as I like to maximise blood output) I was proudly walking around school absolutely drenched in my own blood. I had a reputation for just doing it in the middle of class in full view of everyone. No shame there. It also didn't help that the school uniform required a plain white shirt haha

It's been almost a decade since I got expelled and I still look back and laugh at how bold I was even back then! And how much I just didn't care despite people complaining about it!

I don't hate myself for self-harm. In fact, it's much the opposite: the feeling I get after cutting makes me love myself and allows me to think clearly enough to make decisions that benefit me. Heck, I brought the knife with me while bathing this time and I ended up having a literal bloodbath; afterwards, I had the clarity of mind to cut out one of my actual triggers from my life completely. Best decision I've made in a while.

I'm likely going to have a relaxing few hours while I'm still hiding the blood-high. Only when I haven't cut in a while will I actually need to do it again as it feels as if my skeleton is trying to rip its way out of my skin when I don't cut for a while which is the most common trigger for my cutting - withdrawal symptoms, essentially. That's pretty much how it is for me now. My skin craves the sting of the blade and the warmth of my blood lmao

Jesus christ...I wish I had confidence like you to just whip it out in class and slash infront of everyone lol. I don't feel guilt either. I don't go "oh god i caused self injury I feel so bad about this noooooo" I go "fucking sweet look how it's scarring!". I hate how these professionals go on about how "oh people self harm for many reasons" and then still treat the rest of their article like it's the same old like if you're gonna state something, be true to your word.

In terms of like a high though, I'm really shit at trying to pin point how exactly I feel (most of the time it feels like I'm piloting a video game character rather than myself, if that makes sense) but cutting is one of the few things I can actually pinpoint, even if it isn't nearly as dramatic as yours. Maybe it's cause there's a physical reminder or something but I never feel like I'm cutting onto someone else's arm when I do it; it's very reassuring to be grounded back into yourself. I'm not good enough to make the high like drugs but I distinctly feel happy while doing it (I think mostly because I'm identifying physical attributes which to me are similar to masturbating) but I don't like feel a sudden crash or anything, moreso after a few days I start getting irritated.

Also how can't you upload images through a VPN? I'm british too and I have no problem uploading images. Do you just have a shitty VPN?

 

[CumbriaCTB]

Jesus christ...I wish I had confidence like you to just whip it out in class and slash infront of everyone lol. I don't feel guilt either. I don't go "oh god i caused self injury I feel so bad about this noooooo" I go "fucking sweet look how it's scarring!". I hate how these professionals go on about how "oh people self harm for many reasons" and then still treat the rest of their article like it's the same old like if you're gonna state something, be true to your word.

In terms of like a high though, I'm really shit at trying to pin point how exactly I feel (most of the time it feels like I'm piloting a video game character rather than myself, if that makes sense) but cutting is one of the few things I can actually pinpoint, even if it isn't nearly as dramatic as yours. Maybe it's cause there's a physical reminder or something but I never feel like I'm cutting onto someone else's arm when I do it; it's very reassuring to be grounded back into yourself. I'm not good enough to make the high like drugs but I distinctly feel happy while doing it (I think mostly because I'm identifying physical attributes which to me are similar to masturbating) but I don't like feel a sudden crash or anything, moreso after a few days I start getting irritated.

Also how can't you upload images through a VPN? I'm british too and I have no problem uploading images. Do you just have a shitty VPN?

The "piloting a video game character" feeling is something I do feel from time to time, albeit not commonly and it's usually caused by specific triggers, so I get what you mean; you're correct in saying that it's the Autism (Alexithymia) that's making it more pervasive for you. As you said earlier, that feeling is a fairly common reason for self-harming; "professionals" often gloss over it as a single bullet point - usually "some people cut to feel something" or some other patronising-sounding shit like that - before, like you said, going straight back to pandering to the guilt crowd in the rest of the article. I've even witnessed this in-person with therapists, Decider Skills (lmao) printouts, and support groups. I think they do this because they don't actually know what the fuck they're talking about.

If you're identfiying physical attributes similar to masturbation (I assume you're talking about that full-body relaxation sensation rather that explicit signs of sexual arousal i.e. genital activation - please do correct me if I'm wrong) them there's a good reason for that: cutting releases many of the same chemicals (especially endorphins) as masturbation. I will say that the chemicals are released in different proportions for each (masturbation definitely releases much more oxytocin, for example) and so it can be difficult to substitute one for the other when addressing physical needs.

While masturbating, there's that full-body tension which slowly builds up until climax (this is the "standard" female experience as far as I'm aware) but I also have a similar experience with cutting: I have to start off slow and build up to an eventual "climax" during which my slashing speed and blood output reach their peak. The "cutting climax" is comes significantly faster, taking ~5 minutes, while it can take ~45 minutes to reach orgasm although that might be caused by PTSD-induced dysfunction for the latter.

Post-climax, all that built-up tension is released and I get that full-body relaxation feeling (again, common for female masturbation but not common when playing butcher with yourself) and I find that my problems just don't matter anymore - everything's fine now. When I'm cleaning myself up in the shower (regardless of whether my play session involves toys or blades it always ends with a shower - watching my blood circling the drain is amazing by the way) I get all giggly because of all the chemicals in my brain - it's great!

As for the crash (or lack thereof), a gradual decline in my mental state is common in the days following my last cutting session. The withdrawal symptoms are usually restlessness, heartache, irritation, lack of concentration, and eventually that awful "skeleton bursting out of the skin" sensation. It's gotten so bad I have set up a whiteboard and have written the last date I cut on (the 14th right now) and it turns out that it usually takes a few days to a week for full-blown withdrawal to kick in. I am probably going to do it today since my body's starting to feel off.

I suspect that there is some sort of neurological difference in our brains (whether natural like Autism/ADHD or acquired via trauma or likely both) which makes this cutting-induced chemical release stronger - and possibly other "healthier" releases weaker - therefore becoming desirable enough to be worth slicing into our own flesh to obtain [and I wish proper research on this matter gets done at some point because it's important]. It's why normies are utterly speechless when I respond to their generic (and always unsolilcitied) advice - "you just need to love yourself, babes :)" or "have you heard of the Decider Skills?" - by informing them that I cut myself because it genuinely feels good and then comparing it to alcohol/drugs/sex.

Normies have no idea what (not) to say because they've never met people like us and the media/NHS has them horribly misinformed about real mental health experiences beyond minor depression/anxiety to the point where they believe that everybody worse off than that are in straight-jackets while those in the middle (like us) are either invisible or just seen as edgelords; I might make a rant thread about that later because it's been bugging me for a while.

As for the VPN problem, I use the Tor Browser (the shittiest of them all aside from the ones that just straight-up sell your data or immediately cave to the authorities) so that might be my problem. It may well just be Tor being Tor or it could be my dogshit Cumbrian 30mbps Internet being unable to handle image uploads when routed through a foreign proxy. As I have some spare PIP money lying around, I may as well hop on Mullvad (they got raided by the Swedish police and no user data was seized... because they don't store user data) and see if that solves my problem.

Thank You For Your Time,
CumbriaCTB

 

[Iamatiredlad]

Oh man, I don't self harm anymore but I totally agree that self harm has always been treated sooooo patronizing. I remember some tips being like 'draw red lines on your arm!', 'hold an ice cube', 'use a rubber band to pinch yourself' and I was always like this is all lame as SHIT, I am going to hack at my arm until I SEE the yellow fat beneath my skin. Ironically it was never any of that advice that got me to stop, it was kind of anti climatic in the sense that cutting kind of just became a hassle. Personally for me I wouldn't settle for anything less than like a fat deep cut, which would take forever to heal and deal with and I'd have to hide it; blah blah blah. At that point I kind of just stopped, I still have this white shirt that I'd wrap my arm with after cutting and I'd wake up next morning with half of it covered in blood. Goooood times, kind of

 

[Cauliflour]

Oh man, I don't self harm anymore but I totally agree that self harm has always been treated sooooo patronizing. I remember some tips being like 'draw red lines on your arm!', 'hold an ice cube', 'use a rubber band to pinch yourself' and I was always like this is all lame as SHIT, I am going to hack at my arm until I SEE the yellow fat beneath my skin. Ironically it was never any of that advice that got me to stop, it was kind of anti climatic in the sense that cutting kind of just became a hassle. Personally for me I wouldn't settle for anything less than like a fat deep cut, which would take forever to heal and deal with and I'd have to hide it; blah blah blah. At that point I kind of just stopped, I still have this white shirt that I'd wrap my arm with after cutting and I'd wake up next morning with half of it covered in blood. Goooood times, kind of

I find it so funny how it wasn't like a concern for your health or therapy that convinced you to stop cutting, it was the fact you couldn't be asked to spend ages sawing away anymore. Cutting takes longer for me now (probably cause my blades are old as shit and have gone dull and I really need to replace them cause I'm gonna get tetanus soon) but I swear every time feels a bit better than the last if done right. I wish I could make cuts so deep it goes into the fat. I don't know how I would deal with all that new found happiness but my god it'll be so fucking good...until I get sent to a mental hospital because I'm so shit at hiding my scars lol.

The "piloting a video game character" feeling is something I do feel from time to time, albeit not commonly and it's usually caused by specific triggers, so I get what you mean; you're correct in saying that it's the Autism (Alexithymia) that's making it more pervasive for you. As you said earlier, that feeling is a fairly common reason for self-harming; "professionals" often gloss over it as a single bullet point - usually "some people cut to feel something" or some other patronising-sounding shit like that - before, like you said, going straight back to pandering to the guilt crowd in the rest of the article. I've even witnessed this in-person with therapists, Decider Skills (lmao) printouts, and support groups. I think they do this because they don't actually know what the fuck they're talking about.

If you're identfiying physical attributes similar to masturbation (I assume you're talking about that full-body relaxation sensation rather that explicit signs of sexual arousal i.e. genital activation - please do correct me if I'm wrong) them there's a good reason for that: cutting releases many of the same chemicals (especially endorphins) as masturbation. I will say that the chemicals are released in different proportions for each (masturbation definitely releases much more oxytocin, for example) and so it can be difficult to substitute one for the other when addressing physical needs.

While masturbating, there's that full-body tension which slowly builds up until climax (this is the "standard" female experience as far as I'm aware) but I also have a similar experience with cutting: I have to start off slow and build up to an eventual "climax" during which my slashing speed and blood output reach their peak. The "cutting climax" is comes significantly faster, taking ~5 minutes, while it can take ~45 minutes to reach orgasm although that might be caused by PTSD-induced dysfunction for the latter.

Post-climax, all that built-up tension is released and I get that full-body relaxation feeling (again, common for female masturbation but not common when playing butcher with yourself) and I find that my problems just don't matter anymore - everything's fine now. When I'm cleaning myself up in the shower (regardless of whether my play session involves toys or blades it always ends with a shower - watching my blood circling the drain is amazing by the way) I get all giggly because of all the chemicals in my brain - it's great!

As for the crash (or lack thereof), a gradual decline in my mental state is common in the days following my last cutting session. The withdrawal symptoms are usually restlessness, heartache, irritation, lack of concentration, and eventually that awful "skeleton bursting out of the skin" sensation. It's gotten so bad I have set up a whiteboard and have written the last date I cut on (the 14th right now) and it turns out that it usually takes a few days to a week for full-blown withdrawal to kick in. I am probably going to do it today since my body's starting to feel off.

I suspect that there is some sort of neurological difference in our brains (whether natural like Autism/ADHD or acquired via trauma or likely both) which makes this cutting-induced chemical release stronger - and possibly other "healthier" releases weaker - therefore becoming desirable enough to be worth slicing into our own flesh to obtain [and I wish proper research on this matter gets done at some point because it's important]. It's why normies are utterly speechless when I respond to their generic (and always unsolilcitied) advice - "you just need to love yourself, babes :)" or "have you heard of the Decider Skills?" - by informing them that I cut myself because it genuinely feels good and then comparing it to alcohol/drugs/sex.

Normies have no idea what (not) to say because they've never met people like us and the media/NHS has them horribly misinformed about real mental health experiences beyond minor depression/anxiety to the point where they believe that everybody worse off than that are in straight-jackets while those in the middle (like us) are either invisible or just seen as edgelords; I might make a rant thread about that later because it's been bugging me for a while.

As for the VPN problem, I use the Tor Browser (the shittiest of them all aside from the ones that just straight-up sell your data or immediately cave to the authorities) so that might be my problem. It may well just be Tor being Tor or it could be my dogshit Cumbrian 30mbps Internet being unable to handle image uploads when routed through a foreign proxy. As I have some spare PIP money lying around, I may as well hop on Mullvad (they got raided by the Swedish police and no user data was seized... because they don't store user data) and see if that solves my problem.

Thank You For Your Time,
CumbriaCTB

Oh sweet there's a word for it. Neat.

I find it funny though how I'm so shit at y'know that cutting releases the happy hormones much more effectively. Or maybe I'm just impatient as shit idk. The shower thing sounds cool but I don't think I can make enough blood for it to be effective enough to warrant getting into a bathtub. As in like horror film standard where the tub is all white and then the bottom of it gets covered in shiny red...and then I slip on the blood and break my back like an idiot.

There's just something so uniquely satisfying feeling a type of pain you don't normally feel often that you caused out of your own volition, staring at you as it shows the consequences of your actions and lets you know for the next hour or so with occasional stings to remind you just how fucked in the head you are. My mum a while ago saw my cuts and assumed it was anxiety and so she was like "we need to come up with better coping mechanisms for you" and I was like "nah I like doing this" and the face she made was like she saw a ghost. She looked so horrified and perplexed at the same time and then after a "you like to cut yourself?" she immediately went onto her phone and tapped away before after reading a single article going "oh...it's an autism thing.". The annoying thing is that a couple months later she came across my scars again and she forgot that previous conversation and kept insisting I was like stressed or something cause that's all she could think of and ignoring me when I said that I like to do it. I think I traumatised her. Especially cause I'm the oldest so maybe she thought she messed up parenting or something. I haven't gone into detail with her cause she said if she catches me with fresh scars again she'll get me a therapist (although there was an instance after she said that so maybe she forgot again) and it's not like she'll understand anyway. She'll dismiss me again or some shit but she's kinda useless when it comes to advice for anything serious so I think I'm good. Must be a white parent thing.

 

[CumbriaCTB]

Oh man, I don't self harm anymore but I totally agree that self harm has always been treated sooooo patronizing. I remember some tips being like 'draw red lines on your arm!', 'hold an ice cube', 'use a rubber band to pinch yourself' and I was always like this is all lame as SHIT, I am going to hack at my arm until I SEE the yellow fat beneath my skin. Ironically it was never any of that advice that got me to stop, it was kind of anti climatic in the sense that cutting kind of just became a hassle. Personally for me I wouldn't settle for anything less than like a fat deep cut, which would take forever to heal and deal with and I'd have to hide it; blah blah blah. At that point I kind of just stopped, I still have this white shirt that I'd wrap my arm with after cutting and I'd wake up next morning with half of it covered in blood. Goooood times, kind of

The shit "alternatives" to cutting have always been so funny. People make it obvious that they have no idea as to why I cut because otherwise they'd know that holding an ice cube or flicking a rubber band is pointless because I don't cut for the pain. The drawing red lines thing is also, as you said, extremely lame but also potentially dangerous if you get ink inside of open wounds lmao

Cutting has also become a hassle for me too. Sometimes it can be enjoyable but often it's just done to keep the withdrawal at bay. I find that the main reason I even get to the point of withdrawal is due to sheer apathy because I find myself going "ehhhhh, I'll grab a blade in a couple of hours" only to procrastinate on it for several days. Although I will say that I do actually enjoy it when I eventually do pick up a blade and start slashing. Clean-up is always going to be a chore though.

Oh sweet there's a word for it. Neat.

I find it funny though how I'm so shit at y'know that cutting releases the happy hormones much more effectively. Or maybe I'm just impatient as shit idk. The shower thing sounds cool but I don't think I can make enough blood for it to be effective enough to warrant getting into a bathtub. As in like horror film standard where the tub is all white and then the bottom of it gets covered in shiny red...and then I slip on the blood and break my back like an idiot.

There's just something so uniquely satisfying feeling a type of pain you don't normally feel often that you caused out of your own volition, staring at you as it shows the consequences of your actions and lets you know for the next hour or so with occasional stings to remind you just how fucked in the head you are. My mum a while ago saw my cuts and assumed it was anxiety and so she was like "we need to come up with better coping mechanisms for you" and I was like "nah I like doing this" and the face she made was like she saw a ghost. She looked so horrified and perplexed at the same time and then after a "you like to cut yourself?" she immediately went onto her phone and tapped away before after reading a single article going "oh...it's an autism thing.". The annoying thing is that a couple months later she came across my scars again and she forgot that previous conversation and kept insisting I was like stressed or something cause that's all she could think of and ignoring me when I said that I like to do it. I think I traumatised her. Especially cause I'm the oldest so maybe she thought she messed up parenting or something. I haven't gone into detail with her cause she said if she catches me with fresh scars again she'll get me a therapist (although there was an instance after she said that so maybe she forgot again) and it's not like she'll understand anyway. She'll dismiss me again or some shit but she's kinda useless when it comes to advice for anything serious so I think I'm good. Must be a white parent thing.

I didn't actually need to release all that much blood (although I did release more than normal as the warm water draws more blood to the surface and prevents it from congealing) as most of the "bloodbath" was just regular water which had been dyed red by the blood. I'd say I lost over a mugful (250ml+ or ~15% blood volume lost) as I went into minor hypovolemic shock - I don't know how to feel about it; it's neither pleasant nor unpleasant, just... different - while a normal session is a mere half a mugful. It was still enough to dye a bathtub full of water a satisfying shade of red and, yes, my bathtub is normally pure white as long as I haven't set up a horror scene inside of it.

I also wouldn't worry about getting sent to a mental hospital in 2025 and this is coming from somebody who was Sectioned in 2016 as a teenager, enduring two years of abuse by both inmates and staff, and only managed to escape the care system in 2018 when I was six months off from becoming an adult. You are highly unlikely to get Sectioned for self-harm as an adult these days as there are pretty much no more beds left. The few beds available are reserved for the extremely violent, unstable types who are at high risk of pulling a Derrick Bird and going on a rampage. Heck, I've woken up in A&E after a failed CTB attempt and the mental health practioner just told me "you are responsible for your own actions" (no, really, that's what she said) and sent me home the next day. Even trying to CTB won't get you Sectioned unless you tried to jump in front of public transit or something and that's more because you'd be considered a public nuisance for doing so.

That sort of behaviour is indeed a white mother thing - the white dad equivalent is to just tell you to "get a grip" or whatever and then go back to sleeping with his mistress at work. My own mother would do much the same. She'd see me displaying what I now know to be PTSD symptoms (yes, she caused most of them lmao) as a teenager and, instead of asking me about it, she'd go read some stupid article or consult the equally stupid GP and then treat whatever she heard as gospel, becoming utterly convinced that I was experiencing something completely different to what I was actually experiencing. Of course, I tried to explain to her what was actually going on but her response would always boil down to "man in suit says you feel XYZ" and she wouldn't take a single thing I said into consideration except to use it against me at a later date.

As a sidenote, I also came out as queer during my time in the care system and my mother somehow got it into her head - probably via GB News - that I was brainwashed into being queer by somebody on the psych ward which is bizarre because I knew I was queer a year before getting Sectioned (internalised queerphobia was part of the reason my mental health became so bad) and nobody else on the ward was openly queer - in fact, I was discriminated against by both inmates and staff for it. You can probably guess why I ultimately went non-contact with my mother haha

I feel as if there's a massive overlap between blind trust in authority and parental queerphobia because both of those things are caused by an inability to think critically. I've since met plenty of white mothers locally who fit the bill of "concerned parent" who believes any bullshit that comes out of the mouth of a traditional authority figure to the detriment of everyone around them; this might also just be Cumbria's socially-conservative, anti-intellectual culture in action though.

All The Best,
CumbriaCTB

 

[Cauliflour]

The shit "alternatives" to cutting have always been so funny. People make it obvious that they have no idea as to why I cut because otherwise they'd know that holding an ice cube or flicking a rubber band is pointless because I don't cut for the pain. The drawing red lines thing is also, as you said, extremely lame but also potentially dangerous if you get ink inside of open wounds lmao

I've used the using pen on skin method once cause I really wanted to cover my arm in scars but it's hard for me to make that many scars at once cause I like to hyperfocus on the pre-existing ones (and I can't get the scars to stay for long) so I got out a pen and started slashing my arms with it. I was in the dark apart from this pink lamp and under that lighting, the pen looked almost identical to the actual cuts. Wasn't fooling me cause it wasn't stinging but I guess it helped with that feeling a bit...before it ended up being really annoying cause the pen took days to come off (about the same time it took for those cuts to fade into the skin lol) and how the fuck would I explain that to others without looking like a weirdo? Somewhat good for the moment I guess but certainly doesn't have the longevity.

 

[sanctionedusage]

craziest shit about self harm protocol is the advice to "snap a rubber band against yourself instead". i'm a lifetime cutter (keloids & scars absolutely everywhere, and I'd aim to coat my sink's entire surface with blood every session, for an idea of my style.) and the first time i tried the thick, high tension rubber band, i actually teared up from the pain. that shit hurts unbelievably worse than most cutters' slices with a proper razor blade. i've actually moved onto using that instead of cutting when I want more pain than fun because it's so much worse.

so the point of this advice isn't to stop you from harming yourself or causing yourself pain for any reason, it's actually to just stop making everyone else uncomfortable with your scratches, scabs, or scars. so it's fine to hurt yourself as bad as you want, just don't make it obvious to other people that something's wrong with you by their stigma about razor blades and scratches.

i understand for bean cutters, it'd absolutely be damage control, but a vast majority of cutters are dermis. and i can't imagine a psychologist trying to tell someone who cuts chunks out of themselves to their fat layers to "just use a rubber band" anyway.

 

[Cauliflour]

craziest shit about self harm protocol is the advice to "snap a rubber band against yourself instead". i'm a lifetime cutter (keloids & scars absolutely everywhere, and I'd aim to coat my sink's entire surface with blood every session, for an idea of my style.) and the first time i tried the thick, high tension rubber band, i actually teared up from the pain. that shit hurts unbelievably worse than most cutters' slices with a proper razor blade. i've actually moved onto using that instead of cutting when I want more pain than fun because it's so much worse.

so the point of this advice isn't to stop you from harming yourself or causing yourself pain for any reason, it's actually to just stop making everyone else uncomfortable with your scratches, scabs, or scars. so it's fine to hurt yourself as bad as you want, just don't make it obvious to other people that something's wrong with you by their stigma about razor blades and scratches.

i understand for bean cutters, it'd absolutely be damage control, but a vast majority of cutters are dermis. and i can't imagine a psychologist trying to tell someone who cuts chunks out of themselves to their fat layers to "just use a rubber band" anyway.

Huh that's interesting. I've never bothered with the rubber band but it's further proof these professionals are full of shit.

 

[sanctionedusage]

Huh that's interesting. I've never bothered with the rubber band but it's further proof these professionals are full of shit.

then they'll go and tell you to use exercise, even to focus on the 'burn' and the pain as "healthy" self harm. as if anyone who self harms out of emotional turmoil and self hate would give a shit about things like proper form and probably keep going until they injure themselves for 3-8 weeks, maybe permanently. how's that better than a few unsightly scars?
it's simply an intrusion on someone's right to their own body the same way suicide is controlled and discouraged without a moment to consider individual circumstances and inaccessibility to a cure for x ailment.

 

[Wolf Girl]

As someone who worked in public youth behavioral health, I can say it's largely because self-harm and how to quit it is poorly understood. And speaking of self-harm communities, they tend to reinforce the idea that cutting is for attention because of the whole competing to be the most valid thing, e.g. "I can only do styros, but my friend can reach beans--I just don't feel valid!" I have SH'd for 20 years and was on SH Tumblr, and I cannot wrap my mind around trying to "prove" something by cutting yourself.