The road is hard

[luten]

Finally got myself to go out, and get a haircut, also drove to the mall, but could not get myself to go in there. It happens a few times a week, I drive to a mall, but when I get there , i turn around and go home. It feel pointless to hang around malls, at one stage it did helped me out when I felt lonely. I am now in an exercise regime, 15 minutes of lifting per day, and trying to eat healthy. Working on my business website, as if I will make a comeback in life. I am just doing these things, maybe they will add up and give me a positive result, maybe not.

I hope everyone is doing ok.

 

[LunarPyotr]

It's nice to hear that you're doing well.
When it comes to feeling lonely, I don't usually hang around malls because in my country, the people immediately think that you dealing with drugs and sometimes call the security but I bought an ham radio which I connect to an power supply which I harvested from an broken flat screen TV and I use to talk with people on the frequencies, which don't require any licenses. Since I live near a highway parking station, there are always some truck drivers who speak german, english, russian and polish. It's always nice to talk with them


Question..
Can it be that you're feeling anxious when it comes to visiting crowded places or something like that?

If that's the case, then welcome in the digital tracking world.
You can always go to Google Maps and look out when the mall has the most visitors. The feature is called "Popular Times". It works in many countries, even in Romania and India.
Here's an example:

 

[luten]

@LunarPyotr thank you for your message and tips. It is not that I am a socialphobic, it is just that it doesn't do the trick anymore, it doesn't help me to go there. I used to sit in coffee-shops and work on my computer, now it is almost the same as being at my apartment. It did help for a few years, but it doesn't work anymore. Feels like a waste of time. So I think i will just stay home.

It's nice to hear that you're doing well.
When it comes to feeling lonely, I don't usually hang around malls because in my country, the people immediately think that you dealing with drugs and sometimes call the security but I bought an ham radio which I connect to an power supply which I harvested from an broken flat screen TV and I use to talk with people on the frequencies, which don't require any licenses. Since I live near a highway parking station, there are always some truck drivers who speak german, english, russian and polish. It's always nice to talk with them


Question..
Can it be that you're feeling anxious when it comes to visiting crowded places or something like that?

If that's the case, then welcome in the digital tracking world.
You can always go to Google Maps and look out when the mall has the most visitors. The feature is called "Popular Times". It works in many countries, even in Romania and India.
Here's an example:
View attachment 62497

 

[LunarPyotr]

@LunarPyotr thank you for your message and tips. It is not that I am a socialphobic, it is just that it doesn't do the trick anymore, it doesn't help me to go there. I used to sit in coffee-shops and work on my computer, now it is almost the same as being at my apartment. It did help for a few years, but it doesn't work anymore. Feels like a waste of time. So I think i will just stay home.

I see.
It's kinda similar to the thing that I'm always doing through the time where I lost the job due to the Covid.
I'm in a free/libre software community and I sit mostly in the park with my old laptop and sometimes I help newcomers to find their way with the switch form proprietary software to the free/libre software. It's completely different from meeting people on the internet and chatting with them on IM apps like Signal or Keybase.

To be honest here, I'm a bit of an introvert and a shut-in but meeting people helps me to come out from my safe space.
I know that it can be dangerous and I could get held in ransom or get killed but tbh I don't care about that anymore

 

[luten]

I see.
It's kinda similar to the thing that I'm always doing through the time where I lost the job due to the Covid.
I'm in a free/libre software community and I sit mostly in the park with my old laptop and sometimes I help newcomers to find their way with the switch form proprietary software to the free/libre software. It's completely different from meeting people on the internet and chatting with them on IM apps like Signal or Keybase.

To be honest here, I'm a bit of an introvert and a shut-in but meeting people helps me to come out from my safe space.
I know that it can be dangerous and I could get held in ransom or get killed but tbh I don't care about that anymore

I see, I also worked in IT. My apartment is not my safe place, in fact, it is a very dangerous place, it is the place where I and my demons meet. In my country people don't really go to parks. But there is a local communities, they do things, meetup, hiking ...etc. But I am not interested. I guess I dont want people to ask me questions about my life, because I dont want sympathy. I had good friends, the last one died in 2018, since then I spent most of my time alone.

 

[LunarPyotr]

I see, I also worked in IT. My apartment is not my safe place, in fact, it is a very dangerous place, it is the place where I and my demons meet. In my country people don't really go to parks. But there is a local communities, they do things, meetup, hiking ...etc. But I am not interested. I guess I dont want people to ask me questions about my life, because I dont want sympathy. I had good friends, the last one died in 2018, since then I spent most of my time alone.

I'm sorry for your loss.
I personally don't like large groups/communities, where people meet in person. There was one anonymous recovery group which I was attending but it was too big for me and there was one person who got too clingy.
I'm still in a popular hacker/cryptography group which is located a couple cities away but they got a bad image and most members are tracked by the cops : P

 

[luten]

I'm sorry for your loss.
I personally don't like large groups/communities, where people meet in person. There was one anonymous recovery group which I was attending but it was too big for me and there was one person who got too clingy.
I'm still in a popular hacker/cryptography group which is located a couple cities away but they got a bad image and most members are tracked by the cops : P

so what is next for you? where do you go from here?

 

[LunarPyotr]

so what is next for you? where do you go from here?

I was thinking about taking a brake from almost anything and staying on that one forum I talked about before when it comes to clubs and so on if that's what you meant.

This doesn't mean that I'll be staying off SS. Nope, SS is a completely different story here. It's kinda like a family to me, where we are here for each other, we have similar problems but we don't have to like each other. I'm actually glad that I found this Forum and that it's not full of censorship when it comes to the whole suicide and self-treatment stuff. Maybe that's why many people want to shut it down. Kinda like Silk Road or Empire Market forums on the dark net

 

[luten]

I do not really read CTB posts. But there are people on here who can reply to such posts. I walked into a room and caught my own father unconscious, suicide attempt. My cousin tried to commit suicide while we were o a night out, we found her laying on a sidewalk bleeding out. I took her to hospital for wrist stitches, about 7 years later she committed suicide. My half brother committed suicide , but i only found about his existence after his death. I had a bad upbringing, and severe health issues since childhood. I find it difficult to read/reply to people on here who says they have 5 minutes before ctb, but as i said there are people on here who has the capacity to deal with that.

I was thinking about taking a brake from almost anything and staying on that one forum I talked about before when it comes to clubs and so on if that's what you meant.

This doesn't mean that I'll be staying off SS. Nope, SS is a completely different story here. It's kinda like a family to me, where we are here for each other, we have similar problems but we don't have to like each other. I'm actually glad that I found this Forum and that it's not full of censorship when it comes to the whole suicide and self-treatment stuff. Maybe that's why many people want to shut it down. Kinda like Silk Road or Empire Market forums on the dark neDifferen