Discussion The risks we have to take

[PrisonPlanetBreak]

What does it mean in your view to fear a failed attempt? In my case, what I mean by the word "risks" in the title, is not referring to how a failed attempt would affect and damage my body, but rather to how it would affect and damage the relationships I have...

I put on a really good show for my friends and family. It's so good in fact, that only my two best friends know about my issues, and that's because of a mistake on my side (where mistake does not translate to venting and/or a call for help, I don't feel like going into details of how they found out). And I don't want anyone to know really, that's the thing. Nobody wants a failed attempt, I get it, but I think we each fear kind of different repercussions. Or maybe I am wrong!? Feel free to drop in with a comment.

The thing is I'm afraid a failed attempt would change relationships with mom (I have a lovely mother who loves me very much), and friends/colleagues who have absolutely no idea what I am going through mentally. I am afraid of consequences where they would live in constant worry if my whereabouts are unknown, e.g.: if I leave for the supermarket without telling, or if I miss a call by mistake, or if I'm late somewhere because I'm stuck in traffic... that kind of things. Maybe my friends would eventually forget, but I know 100% my mom would be immediately concerned the moment she's not able to hit me up.

I still live with my mom, but I am more than capable of moving out (I am a software engineer and I have 5 times the paycheck my mom used to have), and if I fail my attempt, that would be the next step in my agenda... yet, I don't know if my mom would trust me with it anymore. Because if I did move out, I would eventually resort to attempting the exit bag method at one point, so her concerns would be well founded... I don't know if anyone would buy my show anymore. It's likely that I could hide a failed attempt from my friends and work colleagues, but definitely not family. My family would have to live with it...

So what do you think? Did you have a failed attempt, and if so, how did it affect your relationships?​

 

[Mayonaise]

You won't believe how much I relate. Should I fail, I'd have to look at my mother's eyes and that would be unbearable. I love her very much, like you do.
And the sense of guilt for wanting to end my life has been eating me up alive for a full year, although I'm starting to somehow manage it.
Moreover, I would definitely attempt again, and it would be pretty hard to do so given the circumstances.
I can't ease your pain since we're in the same boat, I really wish I could, believe me.