I cheated

[idkwhattodoman]

I cheated on my ex gf, who was my first love. I never was pursued by girls before and a girl from my class started texting me and giving me lots of attention. At first I thought it was just to be friends but then it crossed the line. I didn't think about the affect it would have on her or our relationship. That coupled with insecurity and lack of boundaries led to me cheat. I told my ex a day after I cheated and she was destroyed. I can't get over the shame of what I did. She never deserved to be treated like this. She was the nicest person I've ever met.
We broke up 2 months ago and have been in no contact for a month and we've deleted all our photos of each other. She gave me back all of the gifts, letters, and things I've ever given her and I'm thinking about tossing those soon too.
I'm hoping its been enough time that my passing wont affect her mentally. I know I really fucked her up and I don't think I'm redeemable. I've always had SI and she knows that I had it in my younger years. I've been going to therapy a lot but I still have this sense of dread that I ruined so much.

I'm about to fail out of my school and I don't know if I'll be able to remediate it all. I've been waking up with panic attacks about what I did and how much I hurt her. Been thinking about just quitting. The feelings have fluctuated but haven't gone away since I did it but are really spiking now. I feel so irredeemable, shameful, and pathetic.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

What you did was undoubtedly horrible. But unlike most people that cheat you admit to your wrongdoings and take accountability. As long as you learn from your mistake and never repeat it then you're not a terrible person. At the end of the day we're all human and we will all end up doing at least one morally questionable thing at some point in our life. I hope you heal.

 

[knowledgeseeking]

What you did was wrong, but the only way you're irredeemable is if you do it again going into your next relationship. What you did was unkind and hurtful, but hardly a capital offense. Sounds to me like you've beat and punished yourself enough.

Best thing for you to do is go forward and be better next time. Someday when you meet someone else and end up in relationship, be faithful.

I'm sure you hurt her but she will move past it. Thinking you destroyed her forever is just dramatic. Being cheated on sucks, in the moment it can feel like the end of the world, but it isn't. There might even be some people in the world that hold onto it for years, but they need therapy and most likely if it wasn't cheating something else would have happened to give them something painful to hold onto.

The point of the story is she will be fine and so will you.

Forgive yourself.

 

[idkwhattodoman]

I don't feel like what I'm going to do is punishment for myself but a relief from how much pain I have right now. I feel as though I have given up the one chance I was given, and she was so good to me. It's been keeping me up at night and I can't visualize a future any better then the past I had. I feel lost and keep feeling the reverberations of my actions though out my day. I feel lonely, that was my best friend I betrayed. I think if I fail my classes I won't have anything left. I'm kind of older already and feel like I really fucked up my whole life.

 

[idkwhattodoman]

I'd like to ask for some advice for intense self loathing. I get into a "pit" where I really really hate myself, who I am, and what I did. I feel as though I ruined my future forever, and that I wont be loved again. I long for the past that I had and can't seem to find the enjoyment in the now. It gets pretty bad. I can't forgive myself for what I did, and growth seems so pointless without her.

Secondly I have intense feelings of jealously. Where I think of what I had and how now she has moved on and is happy and is having a life that I never provided. I know that the feeling is unfounded, but I cant help but be jealous of my own imagination. I feel unworthy of ever having that relationship and Im mad that I destroyed it. I feel so far behind and alone.

I don't think I'd write a note if I do it. I'm torn between this desire to talk to her and letting her move one. I know that I'd like her to not have to worry about me, and know that nothing was her fault. I know she can't fix me, and only me can fix me.