Venting The reality is crashing down on me

[puella]

I've felt like I've given up for a couple weeks. It's been a mix of a new feeling of numbness and emotional outbursts.

I've scheduled a one-way flight back to my hometown. I feel sick to my stomach. I'm actually going to die. I can't think; my head is filled with fear. I don't want to die.

I'm imagining the dizziness, headache, and exhaustion I'll have when I take SN. But I start to have a panic attack imagining it just stopping. But that's going to be my reality—something I can't even imagine.

Please help me. It's all going too quickly. I'm scared. I never even wanted to give up.

 

[Smelly_ballz]

Why are you going to take SN if you don't want to die? Do you feel it is your only escape or is it something else?

 

[puella]

Why are you going to take SN if you don't want to die? Do you feel it is your only escape or is it something else?

It's my only escape. I'm suffering, and there are no ways for me to recover.

I've felt like I've given up for a couple weeks. It's been a mix of a new feeling of numbness and emotional outbursts.

I've scheduled a one-way flight back to my hometown. I feel sick to my stomach. I'm actually going to die. I can't think; my head is filled with fear. I don't want to die.

I'm imagining the dizziness, headache, and exhaustion I'll have when I take SN. But I start to have a panic attack imagining it just stopping. But that's going to be my reality—something I can't even imagine.

Please help me. It's all going too quickly. I'm scared. I never even wanted to give up.

I leave friday I cant do this. I can't

 

[DesperateOne]

I've felt like I've given up for a couple weeks. It's been a mix of a new feeling of numbness and emotional outbursts.

I've scheduled a one-way flight back to my hometown. I feel sick to my stomach. I'm actually going to die. I can't think; my head is filled with fear. I don't want to die.

I'm imagining the dizziness, headache, and exhaustion I'll have when I take SN. But I start to have a panic attack imagining it just stopping. But that's going to be my reality—something I can't even imagine.

Please help me. It's all going too quickly. I'm scared. I never even wanted to give up.

Just got through the same type of panic a day ago and just like you I want to live, but what I've done to myself and my brains cannot be repaired, I'm also fundamentally broken. I wish you the best of luck and hope that what you are experiencing passes quickly. I wouldn't wish mental torture like this to my worst enemy.

 

[movinout17]

I feel this, and I'm so sorry this is hard. I'm also on the edge where I don't want to live but don't want to die, it's overwhelming. The community is here for you

 

[mertvets]

reading this makes me feel heavy-hearted... can't you give it more time?

i feel like by scheduling a flight you've made yourself a deadline. i see you're suffering but just remember that you don't have to follow through, you can still postpone it.

whatever you do, i wish you the best.

 

[puella]

can't you give it more time?

Yeah, I'm not thinking clearly right now. I'm overwhelmed.

 

[Smelly_ballz]

It's my only escape. I'm suffering, and there are no ways for me to recover.

I'm sorry about your situation. I know thinking about dying can be really hard. I also feel like dying is my only solution. I used to be scared of dying, but now I only sometimes get anxious abt it. Like currently, I have been kind of scared of it.
Don't pressure yourself if it is something you're not sure of.

 

[hellispink]

I feel you. Its my only escape too. I am scared too but i know its better a 20 m uncomfortable moment compare to a whole life of pain

 

[Archness]

I feel you. Its my only escape too. I am scared too but i know its better a 20 m uncomfortable moment compare to a whole life of pain

Yeah, this is true. But if your unsure, don't. Failing can have many consequences, make ctb even harder, and possibly make life even more unbearable and suicide a better option sadly. You can always try to fix your life, but only when your alive, and you may fail or it may really be impossible. I don't know you enough to be able to say, but I hope you find relief in life or death.

It's always sad seeing people pushed to the point where they can't take life. Your forced to ctb, but I want you to know I'm open to listen to you. Did you make a note? I'd be interested in your story, even if you're dead. Atleast then you'd be herd.

You're very kind, wanting to listen to others. But sometimes others should listen to you.

 

[SleepySept]

I'm someone who went through overdosing when I was 15, I almost managed to succeed in suffocating but didn't. There's a big risk of suicide methods making your life worth afterwards, I believe you should consider all the possible consequences first and the potential negative effects. After my attempt I was left with a brain tumor. I did manage to recover enough somehow where I can comprehend stuff relatively well but it's not as good as before, and my first year was a lot of pain. It fucked up with being able to read things, I couldn't even hold a single sentence in my mind and that was what upset me the most considering how I managed to cope through life with books.
I'm lucky, but I couldn't have imagined being in a state that was like that but permanent. Even right now, I have to suffer with consequences of my emotions being even more intense than how it was previously, and my family comments on how much more angry I am nowadays.

So take into consideration that sometimes suicide attempts may not be the easy way out. You have to consider the factors to what will actually be a risk worth taking, I consider them a last resort. Just remember that depression is one big fuck of a virus, it doesn't let you think clearly and makes you fight against your own mind. So take a breather before you make a mistake that might end up hurting you even more. Do the best for yourself.

 

[puella]

Did you make a note?

I'm writing a note. If I CTB, I will post it on SaSu. Thank you for caring about and taking interest in me.

---

There's a big risk of suicide methods making your life worth afterwards, I believe you should consider all the possible consequences first and the potential negative effects.

I've considered my method a lot. I'm going to take 20g of SN with an antiemetic. I don't want to feel pain, so I'm being careful.

After my attempt I was left with a brain tumor. I did manage to recover enough somehow where I can comprehend stuff relatively well but it's not as good as before, and my first year was a lot of pain.

I'm sorry you've been struggling through this, it sounds so distressing. I care about you. I hope you can continue to recover. I'm so proud of you for all the progress you've made—especially getting through that first year. I'm here for you if you need anything.

 

[Ε. Η. R.]

I've felt like I've given up for a couple weeks. It's been a mix of a new feeling of numbness and emotional outbursts.

I've scheduled a one-way flight back to my hometown. I feel sick to my stomach. I'm actually going to die. I can't think; my head is filled with fear. I don't want to die.

I'm imagining the dizziness, headache, and exhaustion I'll have when I take SN. But I start to have a panic attack imagining it just stopping. But that's going to be my reality—something I can't even imagine.

Please help me. It's all going too quickly. I'm scared. I never even wanted to give up.

@puella, you have great potential for recovery and a good life. It's a pity you don't see this.

Yesterday, or this night, I was thumb through the forum. And I came across your message where you said that you broke up with your girlfriend. Although many in your thread advised you not to broke up with her. Especially considering that she loves you and you love her.
You've made a lot of hasty, silly decisions these months. During depression, especially severe depression, this happens. But you can still fix them. Reconnect relationship with your girlfriend before it's too late. Don't take SN from home (better yet, destroy it). Focus on recovery.

 

[Orbitc]

It's a pity that circumstances force you to do this because suicide should be a decision taken with a cool head.

 

[NoHorizon]

Yeah, I'm not thinking clearly right now. I'm overwhelmed.

I'm sorry if this comes across as me trying to influence your decision, but this post worries me. If you're feeling overwhelmed and that things are too much, from my experience the best thing to do is attempt to de-escalate. Is there anything that helps to calm you down/makes you happy? If there is, focus on it, make it your whole world for as long as you need to (even if it's weeks or longer). Try to put yourself on pause if you can and not make any decisions about anything, then when you're thinking with a clearer head you might be able to see where you want to go from there. Sending you love.

 

[Raindancer]

I am going to chime in as well as this post worries me too. Please give yourself some more time. Usually anything done impulsively or when we are overwhelmed (at least speaking for myself) can be really bad decisions. Again speaking for myself, being overwhelmed is a state that I probably dislike more than any other. I agree with the other responses if you can, do something to relaxes you, or makes you more balanced. Maybe some self care. Allow yourself some time and clarity as this may not be the right time or decision based on what you are going through. I hope you don't take any offense and I haven't overstepped. Sending you calming energy and peace.

 

[Jinxyxx]

If you dont feel ready, you should postpone if possible. This is a big decision to make and a big step to take. It will strongly effect you and the people around you. If you really have to do it then (at least in my opinion) you should do it when you feel ready and have come to terms with it instead of rushing it... There is nothing wrong with postponing and giving yourself some more time.

 

[puella]

I've decided to wait a few more days before scheduling anything or forcing decisions on myself. I am thankful for everyone in this thread for caring about me and sharing your thoughts. If I was on my own, I likely wouldn't have changed anything. I feel much calmer now that I'm giving myself time to process everything.

 

[whateverr]

I've felt like I've given up for a couple weeks. It's been a mix of a new feeling of numbness and emotional outbursts.

I've scheduled a one-way flight back to my hometown. I feel sick to my stomach. I'm actually going to die. I can't think; my head is filled with fear. I don't want to die.

I'm imagining the dizziness, headache, and exhaustion I'll have when I take SN. But I start to have a panic attack imagining it just stopping. But that's going to be my reality—something I can't even imagine.

Please help me. It's all going too quickly. I'm scared. I never even wanted to give up.

Did any of us want to give up? I didn't. I recommend deep breaths and strongly urge you to try a psych ward visit if you don't want to give up.

 

[emptyhome98]

Reading this made me feel quite sad, it's real raw emotion, and like you said it's terrifying. I hope you do give yourself more time, idc what anyone says things really can get better, you can literally do whatever you want in life, like literally whatever, heck I had a family member that had plenty of money and a wife and he just had more fun and enjoyed being homeless, so that's exactly what he did, he lived under a bridge and made some homeless friends and didn't have a care in the world just because he wanted to, you can literally do anything! I hope things get better and that you do decide to carry on! The world is a better place with you in it! I'm on your side and I'm sure plenty of others are too! I'm always down to chat if you need to vent or whatever DMs open to whoever needs an ear to listen