Kore
Lonely in a room full of people…
- Nov 2, 2023
- 130
Hii people. This is my first post to this new-found haven for freedom of speech, especially regarding some of the toughest topics we can talk about. Since it's my first post, thought I may as well put some thought into it.
I'd like to share some thoughts, some personal experience, a little rambling, and to get some words out on 'paper' that up til now have only ever existed in my head.
I guess I'll start with the title of the post, because that 'big question' is ultimately what led me to the here and now, to all of you lovely people, and to my overwhelming emotions.
A couple of years ago, due to a number of circumstances that happened in quick succession, for the first time in my life I became depressed. Before, I had always assumed it was a literal mental disorder in some people, and simply an exaggeration or 'being dramatic' in others; it's so hard to relate when you have no experience. It was a long time until I even let myself use the word 'depressed' to describe myself, I assumed I'd be thrown into a hospital just for using the word. The stigma around depression is… shocking, now that I see it from this side. But anyway. I was searching for some purpose or meaning to life, something sound and logical, some clear reason to not ctb.
A once-friend of mine during that time was an avid Christian, and despite being somewhat athiest most my life (in truth I just simply never really considered religion or spirituality) convinced me to just see what it was all about.
Quick disclaimer - the point of this post is not religion, and I will do my best to avoid causing any kind of disrespect or offense to anybody that is religious/spiritual OR even the opposite, but these topics are always controversial so I sincerely apologize in advance if any of my words come across the wrong way.
So I attended a church. A few, actually. I began researching online, bought a Bible, began reading and dissecting that. I'll be honest, during those first few months, listening to worship music and being involved in communities filled with love and good-ness… I've never felt anything quite like it. That belief that you belong to something infinitely bigger, that everything will be alright no matter what, that God himself is always watching you and wants nothing but your love… it's overwhelming, and I now absolutely see the attraction to any form of religion, and see why almost a third of the entire human population are Christian of one form or another.
I suddenly had a community that stretched the entire world. People that would listen to me no matter what, would hold my hands and pray for me to ease my pain. Even total strangers would smile and happily talk to me, once they knew I was in the same 'club' as them. It felt great! Really did. For a short time, I felt no pain.
Then I got to a specific book in the Bible. It's called Ecclesiastes. For those that know it, you may know where this is heading; for those that don't, here's the TL;DR:
A very powerful king decided to devote a vast amount of time and wealth into discovering the true meaning of life. They indulged in every form of pleasure, and when their true happiness was still not sated, sought to become wise and obtain vast amounts of knowledge. The book describes his thoughts and conclusions after all those years of searching, and the basic conclusion he came to is: it's all pointless. Life is meaningless. In fact, the word 'meaningless' is repeated countless times throughout the pages.
I read that book cover to cover multiple times, I analyzed paragraphs out of context of the rest of the book, I spoke with friends-at-the-time and pastors, but… He finally concluded that the earth will spin and spin, the sun will shine go dark and shine again, and human lives are nothing but dust in the winds of eternity. The only meaningful conclusion to the purpose of life is to work hard, eat well, and give yourself to God.
This is the Bible. The book of hope. The thing that was supposed to steer me away from depression and teach me the meaning of life, and yet there it was, right there in those pages, it's all meaningless. You can seek pleasure; you can eat and fuck and drink, but it's meaningless. You can seek knowledge; you can read and learn and study and pass on information, but it's all meaningless. There is no purpose to any of it, other than to satisfy your mental desires of the day you're currently living.
I went into a dark spiral after this book. I also realised how entirely selfish it is to believe that a divine being that created all of everything, everywhere, at all times, has even an inkling of the struggle that one human at this specific tiny point in time is going through. Suffice to say I no longer consider myself Christian, though neither do I consider myself Athiest. Too much made sense that something, somewhere, caused… things. But to think that there's a guy with a beard in the clouds listening to me cry at night asking for help? Imo was selfish. It just, doesn't add up.
That all said, God didn't write Ecclesiastes, a man did, and whether the Christian God exists or not changes nothing about his life-long search for the purpose of life, or rather the lack of.
It's been about a year since then. I am not quite so low as back then, but for a time, I was almost ready to ctb. I now understand a very crucial fact - there is no 'purpose'. That's a human-made fantasy to try and give us some relief when the curtain is pulled back and we see life for what it is. We are just… existing. No different to a blade of grass, to a rock floating in space a million light years away, no different to the person standing next to us. With that undeniable conclusion in mind, with no meaning or purpose to life, what is the point? If I were still Christian, the point would be that in order to get to Heaven I must push through the pain, because suicide isn't an option, it's a sin. Even a staged 'accident' wouldn't do, 'God' would know my true intentions. The fact that the Christians who only perform good acts to go to heaven is whole 'nutha ethics/theological debate, and again insulting religion of any form really isn't my goal here. I don't really have a goal. I'm just sharing.
I'm going to describe something which was entirely new to me but now is something of a common occurrence… feeling 'empty'. I guess I'm in the right place to talk about this, because it's so incredibly hard to explain this feeling to someone who has never felt true depression. But I would assume many of you actually know what I'm talking about. When I'm extremely low, and I no longer understand the point in continuing, I feel… empty. I guess it's the definition of the word despair? My whole body goes numb, my limbs lose strength, and it feels like my very soul sags. I've never been able to talk about this feeling before, I'm somewhat excited (?) to be discussing it right now.
When that feeling comes over me, it feels as tho I could spend only a little effort to stop my actual heart from beating. It's… the worst feeling I have ever felt, and just two or so years ago, I had never experienced it. Now I have no idea how many times I have.
I was driving once when the downward spiral of thoughts were rushing through my mind, and the feeling of emptiness came over me, the question 'what is the point?' Repeating over and over. I so nearly just let go of the steering wheel and closed my eyes, it was all I could do to keep my eyes on the road.
The 'problem' I have is that I consider myself a kind person, and cannot stand (whatsoever) the thought of causing someone pain of any form. That thought took hold and made me pull my car over until my head was clear, to avoid accidentally causing harm to others. And that same 'problem' is the reason I'm still here, writing this message - I cannot stand, WHATSOEVER, the thoughts that run through my mind of my fathers tears as he looks at my body, of my friends messages to my 'memorialized' social media pages… I know that's not my responsibility, I know that my suffering shouldn't continue on the basis of me feeling 'selfish', but I don't know how to change that mindset. I would hate to cause the chaos of death within my little circle of people, and so, here I am, still hoping to discover that I'm wrong and that there is some reason to push through.
Hey if you got this far, good on you! I don't expect any responses, but would also welcome them and look forward to speaking with you all anyway in other places around the forum
I'd like to share some thoughts, some personal experience, a little rambling, and to get some words out on 'paper' that up til now have only ever existed in my head.
I guess I'll start with the title of the post, because that 'big question' is ultimately what led me to the here and now, to all of you lovely people, and to my overwhelming emotions.
A couple of years ago, due to a number of circumstances that happened in quick succession, for the first time in my life I became depressed. Before, I had always assumed it was a literal mental disorder in some people, and simply an exaggeration or 'being dramatic' in others; it's so hard to relate when you have no experience. It was a long time until I even let myself use the word 'depressed' to describe myself, I assumed I'd be thrown into a hospital just for using the word. The stigma around depression is… shocking, now that I see it from this side. But anyway. I was searching for some purpose or meaning to life, something sound and logical, some clear reason to not ctb.
A once-friend of mine during that time was an avid Christian, and despite being somewhat athiest most my life (in truth I just simply never really considered religion or spirituality) convinced me to just see what it was all about.
Quick disclaimer - the point of this post is not religion, and I will do my best to avoid causing any kind of disrespect or offense to anybody that is religious/spiritual OR even the opposite, but these topics are always controversial so I sincerely apologize in advance if any of my words come across the wrong way.
So I attended a church. A few, actually. I began researching online, bought a Bible, began reading and dissecting that. I'll be honest, during those first few months, listening to worship music and being involved in communities filled with love and good-ness… I've never felt anything quite like it. That belief that you belong to something infinitely bigger, that everything will be alright no matter what, that God himself is always watching you and wants nothing but your love… it's overwhelming, and I now absolutely see the attraction to any form of religion, and see why almost a third of the entire human population are Christian of one form or another.
I suddenly had a community that stretched the entire world. People that would listen to me no matter what, would hold my hands and pray for me to ease my pain. Even total strangers would smile and happily talk to me, once they knew I was in the same 'club' as them. It felt great! Really did. For a short time, I felt no pain.
Then I got to a specific book in the Bible. It's called Ecclesiastes. For those that know it, you may know where this is heading; for those that don't, here's the TL;DR:
A very powerful king decided to devote a vast amount of time and wealth into discovering the true meaning of life. They indulged in every form of pleasure, and when their true happiness was still not sated, sought to become wise and obtain vast amounts of knowledge. The book describes his thoughts and conclusions after all those years of searching, and the basic conclusion he came to is: it's all pointless. Life is meaningless. In fact, the word 'meaningless' is repeated countless times throughout the pages.
I read that book cover to cover multiple times, I analyzed paragraphs out of context of the rest of the book, I spoke with friends-at-the-time and pastors, but… He finally concluded that the earth will spin and spin, the sun will shine go dark and shine again, and human lives are nothing but dust in the winds of eternity. The only meaningful conclusion to the purpose of life is to work hard, eat well, and give yourself to God.
This is the Bible. The book of hope. The thing that was supposed to steer me away from depression and teach me the meaning of life, and yet there it was, right there in those pages, it's all meaningless. You can seek pleasure; you can eat and fuck and drink, but it's meaningless. You can seek knowledge; you can read and learn and study and pass on information, but it's all meaningless. There is no purpose to any of it, other than to satisfy your mental desires of the day you're currently living.
I went into a dark spiral after this book. I also realised how entirely selfish it is to believe that a divine being that created all of everything, everywhere, at all times, has even an inkling of the struggle that one human at this specific tiny point in time is going through. Suffice to say I no longer consider myself Christian, though neither do I consider myself Athiest. Too much made sense that something, somewhere, caused… things. But to think that there's a guy with a beard in the clouds listening to me cry at night asking for help? Imo was selfish. It just, doesn't add up.
That all said, God didn't write Ecclesiastes, a man did, and whether the Christian God exists or not changes nothing about his life-long search for the purpose of life, or rather the lack of.
It's been about a year since then. I am not quite so low as back then, but for a time, I was almost ready to ctb. I now understand a very crucial fact - there is no 'purpose'. That's a human-made fantasy to try and give us some relief when the curtain is pulled back and we see life for what it is. We are just… existing. No different to a blade of grass, to a rock floating in space a million light years away, no different to the person standing next to us. With that undeniable conclusion in mind, with no meaning or purpose to life, what is the point? If I were still Christian, the point would be that in order to get to Heaven I must push through the pain, because suicide isn't an option, it's a sin. Even a staged 'accident' wouldn't do, 'God' would know my true intentions. The fact that the Christians who only perform good acts to go to heaven is whole 'nutha ethics/theological debate, and again insulting religion of any form really isn't my goal here. I don't really have a goal. I'm just sharing.
I'm going to describe something which was entirely new to me but now is something of a common occurrence… feeling 'empty'. I guess I'm in the right place to talk about this, because it's so incredibly hard to explain this feeling to someone who has never felt true depression. But I would assume many of you actually know what I'm talking about. When I'm extremely low, and I no longer understand the point in continuing, I feel… empty. I guess it's the definition of the word despair? My whole body goes numb, my limbs lose strength, and it feels like my very soul sags. I've never been able to talk about this feeling before, I'm somewhat excited (?) to be discussing it right now.
When that feeling comes over me, it feels as tho I could spend only a little effort to stop my actual heart from beating. It's… the worst feeling I have ever felt, and just two or so years ago, I had never experienced it. Now I have no idea how many times I have.
I was driving once when the downward spiral of thoughts were rushing through my mind, and the feeling of emptiness came over me, the question 'what is the point?' Repeating over and over. I so nearly just let go of the steering wheel and closed my eyes, it was all I could do to keep my eyes on the road.
The 'problem' I have is that I consider myself a kind person, and cannot stand (whatsoever) the thought of causing someone pain of any form. That thought took hold and made me pull my car over until my head was clear, to avoid accidentally causing harm to others. And that same 'problem' is the reason I'm still here, writing this message - I cannot stand, WHATSOEVER, the thoughts that run through my mind of my fathers tears as he looks at my body, of my friends messages to my 'memorialized' social media pages… I know that's not my responsibility, I know that my suffering shouldn't continue on the basis of me feeling 'selfish', but I don't know how to change that mindset. I would hate to cause the chaos of death within my little circle of people, and so, here I am, still hoping to discover that I'm wrong and that there is some reason to push through.
Hey if you got this far, good on you! I don't expect any responses, but would also welcome them and look forward to speaking with you all anyway in other places around the forum
