PixelAngel
The Great Glowing Exit Sign
- Sep 1, 2025
- 83
I don't even know what to say anymore. I just need to put something out there, anything, so I can maybe try to sleep instead of turning over all of the shit in my mind.
I'm so exhausted of doing everything I can to be a better person than I was yesterday, doing everything for others to try and make up for the inconvenience of knowing me, everything I can to improve the lives of those around me, and yet get treated like unwanted shit, an annoyance, a burden. There's too much to even detail it all and I don't have the mental energy anyway.
It's like nobody cares at all about being good to each other. I used to try so hard to believe that people were largely good and decent. I now think that's a lie we keep telling ourselves, hoping that the math works out to make it correct in the end. I see the vast majority of people behave in the worst ways, discarding compassion in favor of self interest, and it breaks my heart. It never doesn't hurt. I don't think I'll ever understand why people are so cruel, so justifying of their worst selves.
I feel... hollowed out by the effort to improve myself. If it ever came to anything good I might feel differently but it never really does. So all of the implications that I'm unwanted, uncared for, unlikable, even in the face of my constant effort to show love and appreciation, just feel like confirmation of the pointlessness. Nobody wants me around. Nobody ever has nor ever will. People only don't want me to CTB for selfish reasons like not wanting to feel guilty. I'll never understand why but clearly I'm too broken to love, not worthy, not deserving in some way. I'm running out of the energy to keep trying. And honestly, I'm looking forward to it. I can't wait for the final blow to land, when I'll finally know it's time. I've dragged myself along the path long enough. I don't believe in an afterlife, but more than that, I truly hope there isn't one. I'm ready to not exist. It's what I've wanted since I was 5.
Water is wet, the sky is blue, and I am worthless.
I'm so exhausted of doing everything I can to be a better person than I was yesterday, doing everything for others to try and make up for the inconvenience of knowing me, everything I can to improve the lives of those around me, and yet get treated like unwanted shit, an annoyance, a burden. There's too much to even detail it all and I don't have the mental energy anyway.
It's like nobody cares at all about being good to each other. I used to try so hard to believe that people were largely good and decent. I now think that's a lie we keep telling ourselves, hoping that the math works out to make it correct in the end. I see the vast majority of people behave in the worst ways, discarding compassion in favor of self interest, and it breaks my heart. It never doesn't hurt. I don't think I'll ever understand why people are so cruel, so justifying of their worst selves.
I feel... hollowed out by the effort to improve myself. If it ever came to anything good I might feel differently but it never really does. So all of the implications that I'm unwanted, uncared for, unlikable, even in the face of my constant effort to show love and appreciation, just feel like confirmation of the pointlessness. Nobody wants me around. Nobody ever has nor ever will. People only don't want me to CTB for selfish reasons like not wanting to feel guilty. I'll never understand why but clearly I'm too broken to love, not worthy, not deserving in some way. I'm running out of the energy to keep trying. And honestly, I'm looking forward to it. I can't wait for the final blow to land, when I'll finally know it's time. I've dragged myself along the path long enough. I don't believe in an afterlife, but more than that, I truly hope there isn't one. I'm ready to not exist. It's what I've wanted since I was 5.
Water is wet, the sky is blue, and I am worthless.
