The Paradox of loneliness

[mars_b4rz]

Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting on this website, so I do apologize for the dodgy formatting, but I thought I'd give this place a crack, so here's what I have to say.

Firstly, for some context, I'm a 19 yo male from Australia in my first year of university studies and it's been about 6 months since I graduated high school, and I've found that the transition from school to university has been particularly groundbreaking in terms of personal discovery. Now I've always struggled with nihilistic, helpless thoughts throughout my later years of schooling, but there was something about this transition that really seemed to elevate these ideas; Like the sudden changing environment has somehow provided a basis or some kind of evidence to uphold these thoughts which in itself is even more helpless... My head is quite chaotic right now so I'm going to try my best to break down the barrage of thoughts barreling through my head into more general categories that might be more workable in terms of readability and human comprehension

1. The paradox of loneliness

For some additional context, I have Aspergers Syndrome (ASD), and am a very quiet person by default. I don't speak often and when I do, it's usually to answer questions or to satisfy a requirement. As you can perhaps imagine, making friends has been incredibly difficult for me. Now I'm an introvert at heart and I love having my own space and being left alone but there's just something fundamental about human nature that's just wired into our brains that desperately desires to form connections with other humans (at least for me). It's taken me the entirety of high school to find the friends I have today, but even NOW, I still don't feel... close to them. They're great people and we have done so much insane crazy fun stuff together (Like midnight cave crawling lol) but I feel like the only time I am of use or am able to actively contribute to social interactions is when we do things that are universally relatable. By universally relatable, I'm talking about fundamental human experiences that a set of people can relate to.

For example, If I'm having a match of table tennis with my friends, I'm able to actively contribute to the event because it's universally relatable to everyone in the group (i.e, we are all playing table tennis, we understand the rules of the game, so we mess around and have fun). Now it's these events that seem to bring the most joy (and the only ones I can contribute to, table tennis is just an example) but just think to yourself, how often do you go out and play table tennis with your mates?? mates that go to completely different universities and have busy lives with demanding careers ahead of them? The answer is that it's probably much easier to stay in the loop through more manageable interactions such as playing video games together or going to a pub for the occasional catchup on life and to drink. In other words, NONE of the stuff I can contribute to, because I simply can't relate to it. I don't play video games, I don't drink, I don't watch tv, I don't watch Netflix series or movies. Now I assume these are things most people do and since I don't, I guess I just... can't relate to it and therefore generate any kind of meaningful connection with others. It's like I've been living under a rock you know? I feel like I'm just pretending to be human some days, trying to blend in with everyone else by trying to understand their interests.

This wasn't a problem at school, as one of the universally relatable things to me and my friend group would do would be to play a sport called handball. But now I'm in university and most interaction is done via conversation and course work; tongues with which I cannot speak as It appears I have to be the most boring person known to all man (and woman lol). I've made one nice friend at university so far, but the only interaction we have is in programming classes; i.e., a universally relatable topic (for me and that person). As soon as we leave class, I know I won't be able to maintain conversation so I just leave... I like being alone in my own world at times, but I really don't want to be alone in the big world man...

So it's the culmination of all these discoveries that's led me to consider those nihilistic thoughts more seriously; the true helplessness of knowing that you might never be able to fit into society and form meaningful connections with other humans that inherently makes life meaningful. And if I'm to believe that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life unable to form proper human connections with anyone, then I may very well go insane just from knowing.

I have several more points of discussion (and potentially some further elaboration/extensions of currently discussed thoughts) but unfortunately finite time (it is 2:39 am at the time of writing and YES I also have serious sleep issues). So I guess I'll just submit what I have and see what some of you guys have to say about it. Honestly, I don't really know what I'm expecting in terms of responses. I'm not asking a question, It's just a topic of discussion (possibly even a rant). Maybe some of you have similar experiences? Maybe you could share what you've done that seems to be successful in dealing with a situation such as this. Or perhaps you can relate to any part of what I had to say and feel like talking about it. Anything at all is helpful.

I'll keep a close eye on this post, although my life is really fucking busy at the moment. But I'll do my best to read over what you all have to say. Thanks again for taking the time to read this (if you're still reading! You are amazing hooman!)

 

[MrDarkness]

My brother has Asperger's, he suffers from severe anxiety, he's found a good friend group now, sure he doesn't go out to bars even though he is 23, he found a way to cope either by playing bass or going rock climbing, I personally don't have Asperger's so I'm kinda talking out my ass, but he has found a good group of friends, and he's had a massive improvement to mental health. I wish the best for you

 

[mars_b4rz]

My brother has Asperger's, he suffers from severe anxiety, he's found a good friend group now, sure he doesn't go out to bars even though he is 23, he found a way to cope either by playing bass or going rock climbing, I personally don't have Asperger's so I'm kinda talking out my ass, but he has found a good group of friends, and he's had a massive improvement to mental health. I wish the best for you

Hey, thanks for your reply man. I hope things are well for you too.

 

[todiefor]

Hi @marshk427 , welcome to the forum! I can relate, the transition from school to university is an extremely daunting one, I remember feeling extremely confused and alone even though there's constantly people around me talking walking and going to places, and it certainly is very difficult to make those connections because every just disperses after class, and it's not like American colleges where people also live together and all take the same classes. I also don't really drink or party and that was the thing that everyone did.

I will say firstly, everyone all feel the same way as you are now at varying degrees at the beginning of university or really during the whole thing, it's not just you, it's everyone, so don't blame yourself for being the odd one out. Secondly, what I did find useful is that the university will usually have all kinds of clubs, many more than in high school, there will definitely be a table tennis one for example, maybe handball, as well as perhaps other things you are interested in. Check them out, it will be a good way as you say to come together with people with a common purpose. Thirdly my experience was that people tend to stay in their existing high school clicks even in university, if you don't have anyone from school then that's a shame, but that also is just an indication of how difficult it is for others too. Fourthly are study groups something you would be into? I know those were around a lot, often saw them happening in libraries, and it's an easy way to interact and have commonality. Fifth all universities do have counselling services or student body services, they are usually fairly under-utilised I think and might be helpful?

Not drinking or partying does make the experience a little isolating as I had found, but remember you don't have to do any of other to fit in or please others, there's just a lot of stuff out there that you can do, but unfortunately with universities you hahe to go out looking for them and the system can be quite confusing. Just some thoughts from my own experience not sure if it was helpful sorry!

 

[J&L383]

I believe I have ASD (autism spectrum disorder, "Asperger's" no longer being a current term. I haven't been officially tested but score incredibly high on the online screening tools, but out of pocket costs have prevented a official evaluation.).

This self diagnosis has come to me later in life, as when I was your age this wasn't even a thing. I believe my father was on the spectrum and I do have a nephew that is diagnosed, so this makes sense as it is often hereditary. At any rate I believe I can sympathize, and in the end you have to learn to adapt. The good news is that you've learned this earlier in your life. (Had I known, I may have been able to salvage my marriage).

As for me, there's anxiety, and bouts of depression, and just a few friends. I like the alone time most of the time but human beings do need to be social at least once in a while.