Discussion The paradox of deserving it

[hikki]

I don't deserve to feel happiness or some sort of peace. I can't, honestly. But do I deserve dying, not feeling anything anymore? Isn't the suffering I expect, the punishment I deserve, living with everything I did haunting me? I do deserve it, yet I can't bare it anymore, it's too much. Things just get worse as time passes. But, death... is it fair? For someone like me, to have it that easy? I failed three times now, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to be, I just wish I'd never born

I'm curious if someone feels related to this thought

 

[Source Energy]

Yes you do deserve happiness. Every creature does.

 

[unnormal9]

'Creature'? Seriously.

 

[The_End_Is_Comfort]

I really feel this. It feels like I deserve to die or be given a death penalty especially with how society views and how they would treat someone like me, death seems like what I deserve. Yet at the same time, some close loved ones and friends don't seem to make a big deal over what I did or they understand that it's the past, which then makes me feel that maybe I deserve to continue on. Ultimately though, I still feel like death is what I deserve regardless.

 

[hikki]

Yes you do deserve happiness. Every creature does.

Thanks. But I don't. I'm irredeemable, and the things I did to those I love are irredeemable. I just hate myself

I really feel this. It feels like I deserve to die or be given a death penalty especially with how society views and how they would treat someone like me, death seems like what I deserve. Yet at the same time, some close loved ones and friends don't seem to make a big deal over what I did or they understand that it's the past, which then makes me feel that maybe I deserve to continue on. Ultimately though, I still feel like death is what I deserve regardless.

I understand what you are trying to say. But in my case, not only people will always remember it, and that's not really what I care about. I'll always remember it. Years. And I can't forget a single thing, nor I can forgive myself

 

[Source Energy]

Thanks. But I don't. I'm irredeemable, and the things I did to those I love are irredeemable. I just hate myself


I understand what you are trying to say. But in my case, not only people will always remember it, and that's not really what I care about. I'll always remember it. Years. And I can't forget a single thing, nor I can forgive myself

This shows that you have a conscience, and a good soul. Monsters have no conscience, and no remorse for the harm done to others. Whatever mistakes you made, there is no fixing it by beating up on yourself like that. Reach out to the people you wronged and seek how to make amends. I wish you had someone in real life to talk to. I just want to give your avatar cat and the person behind it a warm virtual hug.

'Creature'? Seriously.

Creature. Human being, animal, insect - whatever. Every living being deserves well being and happiness.

 

[unnormal9]

This shows that you have a conscience, and a good soul. Monsters have no conscience, and no remorse for the harm done to others. Whatever mistakes you made, there is no fixing it by beating up on yourself like that. Reach out to the people you wronged and seek how to make amends. I wish you had someone in real life to talk to. I just want to give your avatar cat and the person behind it a warm virtual hug.

Creature. Human being, animal, insect - whatever. Every living being deserves well being and happiness.

Monsters are creatures, animals too; and by that logic.

 

[Source Energy]

Monsters are creatures, animals too; and by that logic.

Fine. You win.

I'm sure my meaning is clear without splitting the hair about semantics.

 

[Pluto]

Generally, the root of the problem goes back to early childhood. We trust our parents/caregivers in early childhood so much that we actually feel shame in reaction to being abused, as if we deserve it. We may also make mistakes and then beat ourselves up, causing a vicious circle of guilt and shame.

In answer to your question, yes I relate. I don't even know what it's supposed to feel like to be worthy of love. I am prone to feeling intensely toxic shame, though it is more a shame of existing rather than anything that I've done. At the same time, I know what caused it so it only affects me at a subconscious level.

 

[unnormal9]

Fine. You win.

I'm sure my meaning is clear without splitting the hair about semantics.

No it's not.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I guess it's up to you at the end of the day. You seem to feel the need to punish yourself. I don't want to pry but without knowing what you did- it's hard to say whether that is warranted. What I would say is- Was it REALLY your fault you acted the way you did? Did you do it knowingly at the time? Did you do it out of reaction to something? Ultimately- none of us actually chose to be born- so- it's not your 'fault' that you're alive and lived in the circumstances you are in.

I guess it depends on your beliefs really. Do you think you feeling guilty and regretful for years- decades will make things better? Will it solve anything? I imagine- no. Especially not to the people you feel like you've wronged- unless they know you're suffering and are getting some sort of satisfaction/ feeling of justice out of that. Is there REALLY no way you can make ammends with them? I would have thought that would be the best way forward.

 

[hikki]

I guess it's up to you at the end of the day. You seem to feel the need to punish yourself. I don't want to pry but without knowing what you did- it's hard to say whether that is warranted. What I would say is- Was it REALLY your fault you acted the way you did? Did you do it knowingly at the time? Did you do it out of reaction to something? Ultimately- none of us actually chose to be born- so- it's not your 'fault' that you're alive and lived in the circumstances you are in.

I guess it depends on your beliefs really. Do you think you feeling guilty and regretful for years- decades will make things better? Will it solve anything? I imagine- no. Especially not to the people you feel like you've wronged- unless they know you're suffering and are getting some sort of satisfaction/ feeling of justice out of that. Is there REALLY no way you can make ammends with them? I would have thought that would be the best way forward.

I tried to reach to them, but I think it's always the same. Nothing changes, there's really no way. And I seriously think that it was my fault, but I understand what you are saying, and I appreciate the fact that you took your time to reply, seriously

This shows that you have a conscience, and a good soul. Monsters have no conscience, and no remorse for the harm done to others. Whatever mistakes you made, there is no fixing it by beating up on yourself like that. Reach out to the people you wronged and seek how to make amends. I wish you had someone in real life to talk to. I just want to give your avatar cat and the person behind it a warm virtual hug.

Creature. Human being, animal, insect - whatever. Every living being deserves well being and happiness.

Sheesh you just made me cry. Not because you said something wrong or something that hurt me, but because I haven't received those kind words in a while now

I tried to make amends, but it's always useless
I appreciate your words. You made me feel something. Hope you're doing well