the pain to ourselves and the pain to the others

[ardacalvin]

My mom gave a trailer as to what's gonna happen after I CTB. She had a serious mental breakdown after telling her what I was gonna do. She laid on the floor and cried endlessly and started saying things like "I'm hideous, and I'm the most failure that the world has ever seen." I fear her more than my CTB. I know how much she loves me and how much suffering I'll bring, if I were to do what I'm planning. I'm almost 30 and the bond that we have with each other is too much even at this age. My fear of death is nothing being compared to the fear I have regarding for her well-being after what I'm gonna do.
However, my suffering is not even in a position to be articulated in so many words. So I've given up on writing to tell how much I've been suffering for the last 20 years. 'cause she will never understand my words and she will make this thing extremely personal, like, about her failure at being a terrible mother, which she is not.
I guess, after writing my will and liquidating all of my assets (stocks, bonds,etc), I'm taking my final risk of wrecking her forever, even though that's not my goal or aim whatsoever. My only hope will consist in that, she will one day understand me and forgive me in her terms.

 

[FuneralCry]

The reality is that we are all destined to cease existing, I think that eventually most of us won't even exist in the memories of those who continue to stay here, so even if other people are upset eventually they will die and all will be forgotten about. But I just wish that nobody would choose to procreate in the first place so that nobody would have to die and go through loss, losing people is just inevitable as long as one exists here. It does sound like a difficult situation to be in, but anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[username8888]

My mom gave a trailer as to what's gonna happen after I CTB. She had a serious mental breakdown after telling her what I was gonna do. She laid on the floor and cried endlessly and started saying things like "I'm hideous, and I'm the most failure that the world has ever seen." I fear her more than my CTB. I know how much she loves me and how much suffering I'll bring, if I were to do what I'm planning. I'm almost 30 and the bond that we have with each other is too much even at this age. My fear of death is nothing being compared to the fear I have regarding for her well-being after what I'm gonna do.
However, my suffering is not even in a position to be articulated in so many words. So I've given up on writing to tell how much I've been suffering for the last 20 years. 'cause she will never understand my words and she will make this thing extremely personal, like, about her failure at being a terrible mother, which she is not.
I guess, after writing my will and liquidating all of my assets (stocks, bonds,etc), I'm taking my final risk of wrecking her forever, even though that's not my goal or aim whatsoever. My only hope will consist in that, she will one day understand me and forgive me in her terms.

Wish I could speak about death, suicide and afterlife with my parents. But no luck for me. They are way stereotypical parents. So I am just preparing my painless method within silence, slowly. I wish TR's money weren't that unreliable towards Euro or Dollar. But what can I say. I decided to kill myself before 26th birthday in Swiss by using either Nitrogen gas or Sarco machine which is just a cool machine that fascinates me.

Anyways good luck for you. I hope your mother understands your suffering. And I hope you end your life with painless methods. Take care.

The reality is that we are all destined to cease existing, I think that eventually most of us won't even exist in the memories of those who continue to stay here, so even if other people are upset eventually they will die and all will be forgotten about. But I just wish that nobody would choose to procreate in the first place so that nobody would have to die and go through loss, losing people is just inevitable as long as one exists here. It does sound like a difficult situation to be in, but anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

Every time I read your words and sentences FuneralCry, It's as if I am reading some kind of wisdom words that are beyond me. At least your vibe is giving me these characteristics. I hope you die painless and be eternally painless afterlife or in the eternal sleep.