The Official 2020 Everything But The Kitchen Sink Post

[Morphinekiss]

Lol I'm almost red. Yay?

 

[BlueWidow]

Someone tell me why my ambien makes me hyper instead of knocking me out. I'm literally dancing to 80s pop on my bed when I should be sleeping.

Well, that's a strange side effect! I don't remember that being listed among the side effects of Ambien

 

[Morphinekiss]

Well, that's a strange side effect! I don't remember that being listed among the side effects of Ambien

Sleep dancing. It's the new craze. I'm also sleep posting.
And I just My Sharona-d myself off my bed onto the floor and into my bookcase. No more jumping on the bed I think.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

_____________________________

So, is @Brick In The Wall working again tonight or does anybody know?

I can't drink alone people, that's not a good idea! Even though George Thorogood seemed to think it was a good idea.
__________________________________________


That's a good one too. I love Billy Preston.

Sorry you had to drink alone!

I had such a good day hanging out with such an amazing woman!

 

[BlueWidow]

Sorry you had to drink alone!

I had such a good day hanging out with such an amazing woman!

Good! I'm glad you had a good day!

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I'm at work now but I don't even care. I'm going to be floating on cloud 9 for a few days atleast.

 

[BlueWidow]

They suffered my wrath for making me drink alone. They had to suffer through me posting several cat pictures on several threads!
> maniacal Vincent Price laugh<

 

[Jean4]

Day 7. 1:46 am. Back to bed.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

They suffered my wrath for making me drink alone. They had to suffer through me posting several cat pictures on several threads!
> maniacal Vincent Price laugh<

Hahaha, I fucking love Vincent Price! Cat pictures are cool too. Next time you won't have to drink alone, I'll drink with you.

Day 7. 1:46 am. Back to bed.

Get some rest Jean!

 

[BlueWidow]

Hahaha, I fucking love Vincent Price! Cat pictures are cool too. Next time you won't have to drink alone, I'll drink with you.

Get some rest Jean!

@Jean4 it's going to turn into a zombie or something. I don't know how she's even continuing to go on. I've only had three days of little sleep and I'm already bumping into walls and stuff. And I was doing that before I started drinking so I know it's not the rum.

Yes, my husband and I used to love to watch the abominable Dr. Phibes movies. Have you ever seen either of those? There's two of them. The abominable Dr. Phibes, and Dr. Phibes rises again. My husband really liked the clockwork musicians and the art deco decorations in Dr. Phibes' house on Muldeen Square, or is it Muldoon Square? Well, one of those. He murders all these people in very interesting ways.

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

thank you so much for reaching out and for your kind words. i absolutely will pm you tomorrow. thanks for the offer.

in the meantime...what brought you here?

Sounds good! I may be asleep because my schedule has been turned upside down, but I'll reply when I'm conscious.

Condensed version:

Things were kind of off for me from the start, my father more or less abandoned me and my mother when I was 2 so she was taking care of me with my sister (who was 14 at the time) from that point on. However, my mother liked to party and drink and not be the best parent to my sister and I. I don't remember much of that, but as my older sister now says: "Pixie, you got the sick mother, I got the party mom." Because of that anger and hurt, my older sister used to hit my mother when my mom would get drunk. Speaking of sick mother: My mom was diagnosed with emphysema and COPD when I was 5, so I've only ever really known that mom. She was also quite unstable a lot of days (looking back, I see that she was a bipolar borderline--just like me), so there was also that we had to deal with, and she was addicted to lots of things (mainly drinking). When I was 8 she got me taken away from her because of the drinking for a year, so I went to live with my father (still more or less had very little contact with him up until this point). During that time (we all lived in my grandmother's house) my older cousin repeatedly raped and molested me. That was the first time I remember wanting to die. I had my first suicide attempt at 9, then more followed once I hit 12-13 and beyond. My preteen-teenage years consisted of trying to do normal things for my age range, but often taking care of my mother who was either mentally or physically sick and also while being terribly depressed most of the time. I was the mother, she was the daughter..at least it often felt that way. She went into a nursing home right before I turned at (almost 28 now), and died in January of 2012. I miss her a lot but I also have a lot of issues to work through because of the years of trauma that I endured from all of this. I by no means blame her for any of the way I feel about wanting to ctb, but I think that things might have been a little different if I didn't grow up in such an oddly toxic but loving environment. My father came back into my life after my mother passed btw, I don't know where to fit that in. We have a good relationship now for the most part.
This is a tiny fraction of why I am here, but that is what molded me. I have also been subjected to many forms of abuse over the years besides my cousin, so that adds to the mix.

I have since then always at least had some ideations in passing, though usually they are more active than not. I have borderline personality disorder, bipolar type 2, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, social anxiety, 4 types of PTSD, depression, and I also have Asperger's syndrome.

Last summer was terrible, I got EXTREMELY suicidal (it seemed like out of no where, but I think I've pinpointed the reason now). I ended up spending May-September in and out of psych hospitals trying to fix the issue. During June I was at a hospital that ended up not having a bed for me because I wasn't insured and was being sent home, after driving an hour and a half away to get to and being assured I'd have a bed. I was NOT a happy camper. So I sat there in the mental health hospital's lobby and I started Googling methods. I came across an article about S. Shatto that actually mentioned the website the frequented. I didn't plan on actually joining since I'm really shy, but I wanted to use the search function. I'm glad that I did, because this place has become my home!

 

[MysticPerception]

I'm home from work. I don't know why I stayed late at work. Oh wait yeah I do because we had multiple callouts so everything was fucked. Leave it to two people and a manager to close the entire grocery section of a grocery store. That was fun. The superbowl apparently needs to burn. Really nearly pushed me over the edge completely. Actually I think the glass did overflow because I might just decide to ctb on tuesday. It's a clear day and I have free reign as my sister FINALLY left. I should rejoice that she's gone but honestly all I feel is wanting to ctb as quickly as I can before things get worse again because I'm very afraid of what life will throw at me next. Today was bad enough as it is I don't need more. I work tomorrow though and if I don't show up that could trigger a red flag so I am going. Day after, Tuesday, I may just do it though. Was thinking about making a goodbye thread when I got home from work today but now I'm having second thoughts. I wish my brain would just decide who cares about the meto but the rational part of it just wants to wait for a more certain attempt. Who needs certain anyway? All it takes is so many grams and I'm done. A few extra glasses who cares. It won't accept that though so I'm pretty angry right now lol. Well if tomorrow at work is terrible too then that's a good enough sign for me to pack up my bags and go. I'm sick of waiting and I'm sick of life throwing curveballs at me. If the situation had just remained stable and the way it was a week ago I could have easily waited a few more months but now I highly doubt that. Anyway I'm mostly just angry like I said. I'm kind of laughing too at how stupid it is. My life that is.

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

Oh @MysticPerception I am so sorry that you've had such a terrible day. I've had to close down a store before with very little people, it really is a special form of hell so I can empathize with you on your day. At least it's over with now, even if it was probably a long, arduous ordeal. I really hate the Superbowl as well, so I can agree with you on the burning. I'm so glad that it's over with now, I was getting sick of hearing about it. I will support you in whatever you decide, but it would probably be best to wait for a more certain attempt. I know you have been dying (wow, pun not intended), to do this while your sister is away..but you want to be sure that it's the most successful possible and that you ctb peacefully. Do you not have your meto yet? I'm here for you.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

@Jean4 it's going to turn into a zombie or something. I don't know how she's even continuing to go on. I've only had three days of little sleep and I'm already bumping into walls and stuff. And I was doing that before I started drinking so I know it's not the rum.

Yes, my husband and I used to love to watch the abominable Dr. Phibes movies. Have you ever seen either of those? There's two of them. The abominable Dr. Phibes, and Dr. Phibes rises again. My husband really liked the clockwork musicians and the art deco decorations in Dr. Phibes' house on Muldeen Square, or is it Muldoon Square? Well, one of those. He murders all these people in very interesting ways.

I've not seen those movies. But I'll definitely have to check them out now.

 

[BlueWidow]

I'm home from work. I don't know why I stayed late at work. Oh wait yeah I do because we had multiple callouts so everything was fucked. Leave it to two people and a manager to close the entire grocery section of a grocery store. That was fun. The superbowl apparently needs to burn. Really nearly pushed me over the edge completely. Actually I think the glass did overflow because I might just decide to ctb on tuesday. It's a clear day and I have free reign as my sister FINALLY left. I should rejoice that she's gone but honestly all I feel is wanting to ctb as quickly as I can before things get worse again because I'm very afraid of what life will throw at me next. Today was bad enough as it is I don't need more. I work tomorrow though and if I don't show up that could trigger a red flag so I am going. Day after, Tuesday, I may just do it though. Was thinking about making a goodbye thread when I got home from work today but now I'm having second thoughts. I wish my brain would just decide who cares about the meto but the rational part of it just wants to wait for a more certain attempt. Who needs certain anyway? All it takes is so many grams and I'm done. A few extra glasses who cares. It won't accept that though so I'm pretty angry right now lol. Well if tomorrow at work is terrible too then that's a good enough sign for me to pack up my bags and go. I'm sick of waiting and I'm sick of life throwing curveballs at me. If the situation had just remained stable and the way it was a week ago I could have easily waited a few more months but now I highly doubt that. Anyway I'm mostly just angry like I said. I'm kind of laughing too at how stupid it is. My life that is.

I'm so sorry you had such a bad day today.
I think lots of people are glad the Super Bowl is over. I was also sick of hearing about it.
Closing up a store with very few people on Super Bowl Sunday sounds like a living hell. The closest I've come to that is when I had a job where we had to set up a KB toy store in the mall. My friend and I decided to go do it and it was supposed to be temporary work. We were just supposed to be opening boxes and putting things on shelves, but they decided they wanted us to put the actual shelves up, which were way too heavy for us to lift. It was horrible and I think we quit after two days because they kept asking us to do things that were eventually going to end with one of us getting severely injured and we decided the minimum wage pay they were giving us just wasn't worth it.
I am at least glad that your sister cleared out. I hope that makes things a little bit easier for you. You know will support any decision you make, but I hope maybe some rest will help.
I just wouldn't want you to have a failed attempt. You know we're here if you need us.

 

[MysticPerception]

Oh @MysticPerception I am so sorry that you've had such a terrible day. I've had to close down a store before with very little people, it really is a special form of hell so I can empathize with you on your day. At least it's over with now, even if it was probably a long, arduous ordeal. I really hate the Superbowl as well, so I can agree with you on the burning. I'm so glad that it's over with now, I was getting sick of hearing about it. I will support you in whatever you decide, but it would probably be best to wait for a more certain attempt. I know you have been dying (wow, pun not intended), to do this while your sister is away..but you want to be sure that it's the most successful possible and that you ctb peacefully. Do you not have your meto yet? I'm here for you.

I don't know the pun made me smile so I think that worked. I don't have it yet. I'm tired of waiting for it. I'm like a child throwing a tantrum in a mall. I want my meto now! If I had it now I would have just done it tonight. I would have created a goodbye thread just to let people know and drank it down. It's not like it's impulsive I've been planning to do it the moment there's a chance and I have everything I need. Lately though it's just been more and more push to do it without the meto and just gamble on it. My luck is pretty good and my metabolism is fast so I like my chances which makes me really want to just end it. I hate doubting only because I might screw up not because I'm afraid of death or anything because I'm not. I'm not afraid of drinking it, I'm not afraid of the act, I'm not afraid of death or not existing what I am afraid of is being trapped in this life for even another year. It doesn't help that with the way I work I am miserable all day then have the perfect 6 hour window of not eating and drinking very little water that I could just extend by 2 hours and be ready to go. It really messes with my head and makes me want to do it without caring about the possibility of being found since it's low anyway. Again though this is just like a tantrum. I don't know if I'll take the gamble or just wait more but I can't wait months and months just so I can get sucker punched by something else entering my life I don't expect. Also yes superbowl needs to die forever.

 

[BlueWidow]

__________________________________________

I've not seen those movies. But I'll definitely have to check them out now.

You might enjoy them. In the first one, he murders people according to the deadly plagues of Egypt. The premise of the story is that his beloved wife Victoria died on the operating table and he's taking revenge on the doctors who in his eyes murdered her and he's using the deadly plagues of Egypt to do it. So it's a very interesting movie. And then in the second movie he's fighting with this man over the "scroll of life" that he needs to bring his beloved Victoria back to life forever. That one's very interesting too because, and that one they actually go to Egypt and they're in the desert and that one makes for some very interesting death scenes as well. I won't give it away though, but there are some very interesting murder scenes in both movies.

 

[MysticPerception]

I'm 40 minutes late to get in bed so tomorrow is off to a bad start already lol. Ugh I can't do anything right sometimes. Whatever I need to focus on the here and now and decide later. I'm going to bed. Goodnight everyone I'm sorry I came in swinging with dread and whining my job is just one of my worst stressors and I can't get rid of my job because the consequences are nightmarish to me. It makes me so tired and angry and sad while I'm there and I come home and just want to chill but I can't even do that I just have to get in bed right now. At least I can sleep unlike Jean who by all rights should be done for the count at this point with that much insomina. Okay off to bed now I need to hurry up.

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

Well, as long as it made you smile. ;) Do you have any idea of when it could show up? That sucks, I feel like waiting for the Meto is the worst part because you never know how long it's going to take to show up. It's not impulsive, that's obvious..you just need a chance. I know the meto can wait if needed, but if it's close to arriving then you should probably try to wait for it to show up so you can increase your chances of success. I'm sure that's easier said than done, though. I can imagine that having the perfect window like that would make it even more tempting.

I'm 40 minutes late to get in bed so tomorrow is off to a bad start already lol. Ugh I can't do anything right sometimes. Whatever I need to focus on the here and now and decide later. I'm going to bed. Goodnight everyone I'm sorry I came in swinging with dread and whining my job is just one of my worst stressors and I can't get rid of my job because the consequences are nightmarish to me. It makes me so tired and angry and sad while I'm there and I come home and just want to chill but I can't even do that I just have to get in bed right now. At least I can sleep unlike Jean who by all rights should be done for the count at this point with that much insomina. Okay off to bed now I need to hurry up.

Goodnight! I'm sending you my love and good vibes, I hope that you feel better.

 

[BlueWidow]

I'm 40 minutes late to get in bed so tomorrow is off to a bad start already lol. Ugh I can't do anything right sometimes. Whatever I need to focus on the here and now and decide later. I'm going to bed. Goodnight everyone I'm sorry I came in swinging with dread and whining my job is just one of my worst stressors and I can't get rid of my job because the consequences are nightmarish to me. It makes me so tired and angry and sad while I'm there and I come home and just want to chill but I can't even do that I just have to get in bed right now. At least I can sleep unlike Jean who by all rights should be done for the count at this point with that much insomina. Okay off to bed now I need to hurry up.

I hope you sleep well.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I'm 40 minutes late to get in bed so tomorrow is off to a bad start already lol. Ugh I can't do anything right sometimes. Whatever I need to focus on the here and now and decide later. I'm going to bed. Goodnight everyone I'm sorry I came in swinging with dread and whining my job is just one of my worst stressors and I can't get rid of my job because the consequences are nightmarish to me. It makes me so tired and angry and sad while I'm there and I come home and just want to chill but I can't even do that I just have to get in bed right now. At least I can sleep unlike Jean who by all rights should be done for the count at this point with that much insomina. Okay off to bed now I need to hurry up.

Have a good night!

 

[Jean4]

3:30 am. Back to bed

 

[Brick In The Wall]

3:30 am. Back to bed

I hope you're actually getting some rest!

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Yeah, sometimes probably not even sensitive as much as trolls... I hate trolls. they always forget their bridges.

hahahaha! I'd post my stolen LOL gif but I don't have it here its on the phone.

I don't know which one is harder, when they leave a goodbye thread and you know they're going or when they just disappear. I suppose on one hand at least if they leave a goodbye thread you know that they're gone. On the other hand if they just disappear, you have hope that maybe they'll show up again.
________________________

I hope you sleep well.

I've had a few people just disappear. Its really weird. Still worried about @Circles

For all those trying to sleep, have a good night. I'm up after another 2-3 hours disrupted sleep. I hoovered and changed the bedding. I really don't have the strength or coordination to do that kind of thing anymore. There were tears and much swearing followed by grim determination. I once spent a week in the mountains riding and camping out. I'm not going to let a duvet defeat me. Weird how our world shrinks and our battle become with the trivial.

i came here because im literally over it. the past 5 years have been horrible. started with losing my mother and best friend, then good job, condo, car, financial stability, a lil trauma here a little more trauma there and then....viola! my mood latent disorder went into full swing. that ruined or really hurt my close personal relationships so anyway...

I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles. That sucks. I lost my mum too, then got made redundant and lost my flat. I regrouped but then got ill and lost my new job, my car, my financial stability and finally my dear home. Now I'm stuck in a crappy place trying to get by day to day with very little help (my brother tries and I see my sister once every few months). I barely leave the house and barely sleep. I can sympathise with your mood disorder, I lapsed into full blown anxiety and depression as my life collapsed.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

hahahaha! I'd post my stolen LOL gif but I don't have it here its on the phone.

I've had a few people just disappear. Its really weird. Still worried about @Circles

For all those trying to sleep, have a good night. I'm up after another 2-3 hours disrupted sleep. I hoovered and changed the bedding. I really don't have the strength or coordination to do that kind of thing anymore. There were tears and much swearing followed by grim determination. I once spent a week in the mountains riding and camping out. I'm not going to let a duvet defeat me. Weird how our world shrinks and our battle become with the trivial.

I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles. That sucks. I lost my mum too, then got made redundant and lost my flat. I regrouped but then got ill and lost my new job, my car, my financial stability and finally my dear home. Now I'm stuck in a crappy place trying to get by day to day with very little help (my brother tries and I see my sister once every few months). I barely leave the house and barely sleep. I can sympathise with your mood disorder, I lapsed into full blown anxiety and depression as my life collapsed.

Yea I'm worried about Circles too.

Sounds like you've had it pretty rough as well. I guess most of us have really. It's yet another thing that brings us all together I suppose.

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

I'm also worried about Circles. What they went through was really rough :(

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Yea I'm worried about Circles too.

Sounds like you've had it pretty rough as well. I guess most of us have really. It's yet another thing that brings us all together I suppose.

I'm just another traveller on the dark road to the clearing at the end. We can't avoid suffering, though we try. I try and have hope that at least it teaches me some compassion, empathy and the will to try and listen, but I'm not sure how true that is. Sometimes I feel like saying "Okay, you win, I'm a useless animal so I'm going to behave like one, cheat, steal, lie and f*ck everyone else."

Does suffering teach us anything?

"Life is suffering. Anyone who says otherwise is trying to sell you something."

I'm also worried about Circles. What they went through was really rough :(

I did get a PM back from @Circles but it was a while ago, not heard since.

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

I'm just another traveller on the dark road to the clearing at the end. We can't avoid suffering, though we try. I try and have hope that at least it teaches me some compassion, empathy and the will to try and listen, but I'm not sure how true that is. Sometimes I feel like saying "Okay, you win, I'm a useless animal so I'm going to behave like one, cheat, steal, lie and f*ck everyone else."

Does suffering teach us anything?

"Life is suffering. Anyone who says otherwise is trying to sell you something."

I did get a PM back from @Circles but it was a while ago, not heard since.

Well hopefully you hear back soon, I hope he's okay.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I did get a PM back from @Circles but it was a while ago, not heard since.

Yea I heard from him too about a week after he suffered his loss. But nothing since.

 

[BooGirl]

It's gonna be one of those weeks. Up at 6:30.