undynee
love you :33
- Aug 22, 2023
- 23
my childhood was a very confusing one for myself moving from home to home never really having the real feeling that I had a place to go home to especially when my parents had separated and I had begun living in broken homes.
as I had been living with my mom again and had barely gone into high school I was equipped with a strong sense of confusion that contained issues revolving around the fact that I had felt abandoned and unloved and most especially unwanted. I had issues with my dad of him not being very present in my life which matter a fact he had been ignoring me for close to a year and only acknowledged me when I came to the point where I had done harm to my throat and some damage very close to my esophagus which I had blacked out from and had been taken to a hospital to be treated for my wounds. Somehow I was able to convince both the hospital and my family that I was not actively suicidal and was able to avoid the possibility of a 72 hour hold.
I was happy that I had my dad in my life again and the ex I had at the time had manipulated me by making my friends distance themselves from me even though I had begged her to not tell anyone. Later on dating another girl which matter a fact her ex had manipulated her to get back with him threatening her with suicide (only he was not genuinely suicidal as he told me behind her back alongside other negative things he had said about her) and had ghosted me right about when I had started becoming comfortable enough to share my feelings which I had stopped before from the previous girl. To her I honestly felt more like the role of a fatherly figure than someone she loved and to be honest with you I absolutely loved that. That was healing my own heart from any kind of neglect I had gotten over the years from my own. It did hurt me that I did not really have the safe space to share my emotions but seeing her smile was all I had ever wanted to see and I had seemed to help her find those reasons to do so. searching for that father figure it had even gone to the point where I had been manipulated and had been hurt by someone that molested me when I had only wanted to find that father.
With the suicide attempt I had I would not say I necessarily regretted the experience but I would say that it became a teacher in so many ways that I was able to appreciate life so much more for what it really was. I still have thoughts every now and then but I am so incredibly happy to be alive as much as the world can be painful to live in. I always take the initiative that there's always going to be something to smile about in the world and that keeps the blood in me flowing well. I had learned that the world is truly what you make of it. Your happiness truly depends on your perception of the world. Either looking for that change in the world that you want or becoming it. In my own life I had grown to stop caring what other people think of me when I know what I want to do in my life is truly in my own best interests. Alot of people are prone to want to see people fail but some truly want to see others do well in life and succeed. Unfortunately and fortunately I had stopped looking for the love and validation from other people and instead wanted to become that for other people. Helping people is truly what makes me happy.
For those reading I am more than happy that you feel that in your heart that recovery is something you see fit in your life. Which it is! You were designed special. The kind of special worthy of so much love and care. I am rooting for you friends!
(If you would like to talk feel free to message me and let me know whatever way you would like me to both contact and talk to you)
as I had been living with my mom again and had barely gone into high school I was equipped with a strong sense of confusion that contained issues revolving around the fact that I had felt abandoned and unloved and most especially unwanted. I had issues with my dad of him not being very present in my life which matter a fact he had been ignoring me for close to a year and only acknowledged me when I came to the point where I had done harm to my throat and some damage very close to my esophagus which I had blacked out from and had been taken to a hospital to be treated for my wounds. Somehow I was able to convince both the hospital and my family that I was not actively suicidal and was able to avoid the possibility of a 72 hour hold.
I was happy that I had my dad in my life again and the ex I had at the time had manipulated me by making my friends distance themselves from me even though I had begged her to not tell anyone. Later on dating another girl which matter a fact her ex had manipulated her to get back with him threatening her with suicide (only he was not genuinely suicidal as he told me behind her back alongside other negative things he had said about her) and had ghosted me right about when I had started becoming comfortable enough to share my feelings which I had stopped before from the previous girl. To her I honestly felt more like the role of a fatherly figure than someone she loved and to be honest with you I absolutely loved that. That was healing my own heart from any kind of neglect I had gotten over the years from my own. It did hurt me that I did not really have the safe space to share my emotions but seeing her smile was all I had ever wanted to see and I had seemed to help her find those reasons to do so. searching for that father figure it had even gone to the point where I had been manipulated and had been hurt by someone that molested me when I had only wanted to find that father.
With the suicide attempt I had I would not say I necessarily regretted the experience but I would say that it became a teacher in so many ways that I was able to appreciate life so much more for what it really was. I still have thoughts every now and then but I am so incredibly happy to be alive as much as the world can be painful to live in. I always take the initiative that there's always going to be something to smile about in the world and that keeps the blood in me flowing well. I had learned that the world is truly what you make of it. Your happiness truly depends on your perception of the world. Either looking for that change in the world that you want or becoming it. In my own life I had grown to stop caring what other people think of me when I know what I want to do in my life is truly in my own best interests. Alot of people are prone to want to see people fail but some truly want to see others do well in life and succeed. Unfortunately and fortunately I had stopped looking for the love and validation from other people and instead wanted to become that for other people. Helping people is truly what makes me happy.
For those reading I am more than happy that you feel that in your heart that recovery is something you see fit in your life. Which it is! You were designed special. The kind of special worthy of so much love and care. I am rooting for you friends!
(If you would like to talk feel free to message me and let me know whatever way you would like me to both contact and talk to you)
