The Moment

[Dreamwalker]

What was the first time you really felt suicidal ?? Not just, "I want to die," but seriously began to consider and logistically construct a way to ctb ??

I feel like there's a moment where you cross a threshold in your head

 

[skeletontree]

I think I was around 13 or 14, in the midst of the battlefield (aka severe bullying and abuse at school, plus a lack of friends and support from family or anyone else), when I first seriously considered ctb. That feeling, which is still kind of hard to describe in words, never left. It stuck and became my oldest companion.

If I had to describe that feeling (and the change in my head), it would be this: "I'm no longer here. I'm already dead. Maybe not in a physical way, but in every other way that might have kept me here or made me look forward to a life and a future."

So I ended up split between two social realities: one in which I see everything in relation to me already being dead - or me trying to "end" what's left of myself - and another (social) reality that most other people (who are not in the same boat) see: just another human being in this world, with possibilities and a future.

I try hard to keep both realities from crashing into each other because I do care about others. So I try to reduce the impact my death - or even the prospect of what I'm really going through - would have on the people close to me. It's exhausting, and I guess it only fuels that original feeling.