Venting The metal

[Lavínia]

The metallic clang is getting louder now. Again, again. I tried to kill myself a month ago because I was starting to have another crisis, one I can't take anymore. Now another one is coming, how is that possible? Again, once more, once more. The metallic clang is getting louder. I burned myself today with a lighter, the skin on my shoulder turned black, it hurt so much, this shit hurts so much! I cut myself, I felt the hard flesh of my shoulder trying to resist like a tide, the tension drowning me, why does it hurt so much? Why does cutting yourself hurt so much? I grabbed a knife, left it on the stove, I've done this so many times, I picked it up, brought it close to my skin... the tension, the feeling of wanting to stop, of thinking why, why am I even doing this, the fear, and then the pain. It's getting closer again, the metallic clang is getting louder. I miss my cigarettes, I miss alcohol, I want more lighters, matches, caustic soda, a knife of my own. I want to throw it all away, I want to destroy myself, tear out my ears so I don't hear the metal. Tear off my face so it won't recognize me when it arrives. This noise, this lament approaching and spreading, will consume me again, I don't want to, but I want it so badly. The metal is approaching, I will never forgive myself.