The longer I go on, the more pathetic I feel

[hfdepression30]

I shouldn't have waited.. I've backed out too many times, and if I didn't back out then something else came up which meant I didn't have the privacy or time to do it.. I'm in the latter situation right now.

The longer I go on, the more pathetic I feel..

I have a habit of googling 'suicide' every day, and I read through the news articles in the U.K, and occasionally from abroad, and I feel utterly pathetic when I see their faces or their stories. Teenagers. young adults, the elderly.. hangings, overdoses and more.. yet, I, a 30 year-old man, still hasn't managed to fully commit to it despite having absolutely no reasons to live for.

Do we back out and fail because we plan too much? Probably over-plan.. or does it take an impulsive suicide to be successful?

I'm starting to panic and my anxiety is rising.. I can't continue to delay it, my situation will only get worse if I continue to live and I can't put myself or others through that..

 

[mini_weeny]

Same here, I'm drawn to suicide stories and feel envy of dead people.

I think the prospect of ending worse is what keeps us from doing it. Or lack of good methods.

 

[hfdepression30]

Same here, I'm drawn to suicide stories and feel envy of dead people.

I think the prospect of ending worse is what keeps us from doing it. Or lack of good methods.

I don't think the methods are the problem.. it's just the courage, will and determination of us as individuals. Hanging for example - it's the worldwide most common method of suicide. It's accessible and anyone can do it. No need for some fancy £50 rope from Amazon. It can be done with clothing, bedding, a scarf, cables, dog leash, whatever you can imagine. And can be done from a tree, staircase, doorway pull up bar, bed frame, wardrobe, even a door handle. All we do here is moan about reliability and pain, think about "oh, I don't want it to hurt.. oh, I want it to be like this or that". When we put all these conditions on the way we want to die and over plan it, we almost lose our will or determination because we put all our energy onto focusing how to do it and not actually doing it.

When I look at the stories online and I see a 16 year-old has hung themselves or a 78 year-old, I just sit and think how pathetic I must be that they've had enough courage to do it, but I haven't. I'm a 30 year-old man, venting my feelings on a suicide forum, basically procrastinating and not doing what I ultimately want.

 

[mini_weeny]

I don't think the methods are the problem.. it's just the courage, will and determination of us as individuals. Hanging for example - it's the worldwide most common method of suicide. It's accessible and anyone can do it. No need for some fancy £50 rope from Amazon. It can be done with clothing, bedding, a scarf, cables, dog leash, whatever you can imagine. And can be done from a tree, staircase, doorway pull up bar, bed frame, wardrobe, even a door handle. All we do here is moan about reliability and pain, think about "oh, I don't want it to hurt.. oh, I want it to be like this or that". When we put all these conditions on the way we want to die and over plan it, we almost lose our will or determination because we put all our energy onto focusing how to do it and not actually doing it.

When I look at the stories online and I see a 16 year-old has hung themselves or a 78 year-old, I just sit and think how pathetic I must be that they've had enough courage to do it, but I haven't. I'm a 30 year-old man, venting my feelings on a suicide forum, basically procrastinating and not doing what I ultimately want.

Very good point, I've read of 8 year olds and 11 year olds successfully hanging themselves.
Yes I think we are all finding reasons to not do it. Many of us here don't want to die but life has put us in an impossible position and we have no choice so that makes it even harder than for folks that really want to die.

 

[hfdepression30]

Very good point, I've read of 8 year olds and 11 year olds successfully hanging themselves.
Yes I think we are all finding reasons to not do it. Many of us here don't want to die but life has put us in an impossible position and we have no choice so that makes it even harder than for folks that really want to die.

That's also a good point. I forget that some people on here actually want to live but their situation or circumstances make them feel they have no choice..

I don't hate life or this world. I just hate my own life and self existence. I think that's why I find it difficult because I can see the positives of life even when my own life is full of negatives. I know I will CTB 100%, right now I just can't say when other than likely very soon

 

[mini_weeny]

Yes I would be very happy if only I could have my health back. My life was so sweet before. It's just unbelievable I'm here now in this place looking for suicide methods. Wish there were second chances. But my health situation makes me also want to die so badly, I think of ctb all day all days.

 

[WornOutLife]

I think it's not about overplanning but overcoming the fear of ctb and SI.
Killing yourself is so hard! I want to do it some day but I just don't know if I'll be able to!

 

[EraseRewind]

I've always felt very angry and slightly pathetic when I've failed at my overdoses. The first was when I was young and it didn't even get me to hospital but did irreparable damage to my internals. The last got me in hospital for a week and again left me with further damage but I was so angry at myself because I failed and it was unplanned and a crappy method.

So I can relate to feeling a bit pathetic but also erratic in my desire to end it all. I'm now so full of fear of failure that I worry that I will fail again and be completely damaged and have to live without any form of self determination. I see people who just do it, one I read took 32 paracetamol and passed away at home.

Who knew it would be so hard.

 

[hfdepression30]

I think it's not about overplanning but overcoming the fear of ctb and SI.
Killing yourself is so hard! I want to do it some day but I just don't know if I'll be able to!

Maybe, but for all these people you see in the news, young or old, I wonder how many of them were planned or impulsive, and for the ones that were an impulsive decision, like, where was their SI? Did it kick in but they fought through it or they were so determined to CTB that they didn't even experience SI..

It just baffles me how all these people can do it, but we struggle. Like a teen, young adult or elderly, and you see their picture and think how they may as a person, how they compare to you, how strong or weak, but yet they were still brave enough and more courageous than me, a 30 year-old man. It really makes me feel so weak and pathetic

I've always felt very angry and slightly pathetic when I've failed at my overdoses. The first was when I was young and it didn't even get me to hospital but did irreparable damage to my internals. The last got me in hospital for a week and again left me with further damage but I was so angry at myself because I failed and it was unplanned and a crappy method.

So I can relate to feeling a bit pathetic but also erratic in my desire to end it all. I'm now so full of fear of failure that I worry that I will fail again and be completely damaged and have to live without any form of self determination. I see people who just do it, one I read took 32 paracetamol and passed away at home.

Who knew it would be so hard.

It's very frustrating, also I'm sorry to hear about your internal damage. I think overdoses tend to be like that.. it's really a coin toss, and everyone's bodies react differently to medications.. some are more resilient than others.. I've tried overdosing before and my stomach was on so much pain during it

 

[StateOfMind]

Not an expert on the psychology of suicide but I think one must have right balance of despair, impulsivity and planning (and maybe some or much alcohol).
I think that would make for a very lethal combination.

 

[D11FER]

I feel the same way OP. I also google every Single day how to kill myself And suicide in the hope it will give me the strength to do it. I have SN and have had this for over a year now it sits in the drawer next to my bed. I feel such a coward and ashamed I don't have the inner strength to do what needs to be done.

 

[Aeathelina]

I can relate since I'm 26 and have been putting off suicide since I was 15. I've lost many people from suicide in this time and yet for as much as I look into and plan ( failed) attempts I still keep living. The longer I live the worse my circumstances and the more of a burden I become to the people around me.
And I hate myself for it because I cannot die but I'm not really living either. Just in a constant state on limbo with the world and I hate it so much

 

[hfdepression30]

I can relate since I'm 26 and have been putting off suicide since I was 15. I've lost many people from suicide in this time and yet for as much as I look into and plan ( failed) attempts I still keep living. The longer I live the worse my circumstances and the more of a burden I become to the people around me.
And I hate myself for it because I cannot die but I'm not really living either. Just in a constant state on limbo with the world and I hate it so much

Other than losing people to suicide, I could relate to everything you said. I try to think and find reasons why I haven't managed to do it yet.. I don't really know the answer. Laziness, procrastination, fear, survival instinct.. maybe a combination of all.. but I know my suicide is inevitable so I like to believe that all of my struggles and attempts to leave at just preparing me for the time

 

[Aeathelina]

Other than losing people to suicide, I could relate to everything you said. I try to think and find reasons why I haven't managed to do it yet.. I don't really know the answer. Laziness, procrastination, fear, survival instinct.. maybe a combination of all.. but I know my suicide is inevitable so I like to believe that all of my struggles and attempts to leave at just preparing me for the time

Same. I know that I'll live this world on my own terms but its so hard to shake my fear of death & survival instincts because it just keeps me alive way longer than I should be

 

[onthelastday]

I shouldn't have waited.. I've backed out too many times, and if I didn't back out then something else came up which meant I didn't have the privacy or time to do it.. I'm in the latter situation right now.

The longer I go on, the more pathetic I feel..

I have a habit of googling 'suicide' every day, and I read through the news articles in the U.K, and occasionally from abroad, and I feel utterly pathetic when I see their faces or their stories. Teenagers. young adults, the elderly.. hangings, overdoses and more.. yet, I, a 30 year-old man, still hasn't managed to fully commit to it despite having absolutely no reasons to live for.

Do we back out and fail because we plan too much? Probably over-plan.. or does it take an impulsive suicide to be successful?

I'm starting to panic and my anxiety is rising.. I can't continue to delay it, my situation will only get worse if I continue to live and I can't put myself or others through that..

I understand you, I can't wait to kill myself

 

[trulyfeelhopeless]

Same here, I'm drawn to suicide stories and feel envy of dead people.

I think the prospect of ending worse is what keeps us from doing it. Or lack of good methods.

Ding ding ding you got it