Venting the lie of "being special"

[bynd.spc]

what i have found in my recovery process that honestly just makes me more suicidal if i think too long about it, it's that no matter how deep my pain is, no matter how miserable my creations are (drawings, poetry, etc), they are never actually "special", as in my suffering is just as unique as yours, which can't make one more special than the other.
for years, the only thing that made me feel alright was this illusion of, no matter how pathetic my life gets, my pain being unique and one day ill finally be seen, recognized, for it, which couldn't be a greater lie, but, it's ultimately the truth we have to live with. this is unbearable.

 

[tonicer]

I think you fail to see it detailed enough. Everything you do is special as in no other human ever had the exact same idea. Sure others suffer in a similar way to you but it's still different. Nobody experienced the exact same thing that brought them to the conclusion that life sucks. What do they always say about modern mental gymnastics? It's a spectrum. That is actually the truth. Nobody is the same we are all prototypes.

 

[bynd.spc]

I think you fail to see it detailed enough. Everything you do is special as in no other human ever had the exact same idea. Sure others suffer in a similar way to you but it's still different. Nobody experienced the exact same thing that brought them to the conclusion that life sucks. What do they always say about modern mental gymnastics? It's a spectrum. That is actually the truth. Nobody is the same we are all prototypes.

believe me i have tried to see this from every possible angle so i guess im just a pessimist. in the end we all being special basically means to me that there's nothing that would make me better than the next guy, which is fine but i would have hoped that all this pain and suffering would amount to something

 

[tonicer]

believe me i have tried to see this from every possible angle so i guess im just a pessimist. in the end we all being special basically means to me that there's nothing that would make me better than the next guy, which is fine but i would have hoped that all this pain and suffering would amount to something

Yeah i also hoped that struggling for 30 years would end in glory. I studied computer science which was very difficult and had the hopes that in the future people like me are in desperate need only to find that no company wants me.

 

[bynd.spc]

Yeah i also hoped that struggling for 30 years would end in glory. I studied computer science which was very difficult and had the hopes that in the future people like me are in desperate need only to find that no company wants me.

yeah, im sorry to hear man, i know very well how the situation in IT is. I also struggled to find a job and ended up working in some random corporation having nothing to do with what i studied.
you know, i think we re being fed this lie of the self made millionaire since we re little, we only see victory in making it big, which is just toxic individualism, we end up believing each of us can eventually be the next bill gates or whatever other nasty role model that started "from the bottom" and certainly is not a nepo baby

 

[tonicer]

yeah, im sorry to hear man, i know very well how the situation in IT is. I also struggled to find a job and ended up working in some random corporation having nothing to do with what i studied.
you know, i think we re being fed this lie of the self made millionaire since we re little, we only see victory in making it big, which is just toxic individualism, we end up believing each of us can eventually be the next bill gates or whatever other nasty role model that started "from the bottom" and certainly is not a nepo baby

I don't want to be rich AND famous. Just rich is enough. Do you know the grocery chain ALDI? The founders (two brothers) live basically in complete stealth mode. That's the right way IMHO. They did it after one of them was kidnapped long ago.