Hello all,
I'm new here. I'm a 28 year old guy and developed chronic cluster headache disorder a year ago. Nearly every day I spend at least 6 to 8 hours in excruciating neurological pain. Many neurologists have tried to help me with bupivicaine blocks, botox, emgality, verapamil, lidocaine, and now ketamine spray.
Nothing is working. Sometimes the treatments dull the pain for a while, but it is just not working. The root cause of this disease was recently discovered to be damage to the posterior anterior hypothalamus, and is likely a combination of genetic and environmental factors.
A hypothalamic brain stimulator is sometimes used, but requires 3+ years of affliction to be eligible, and even then is not always effective.
The only reason I am still alive is because I take care of my mother, 70, and my grandmother, 91. Well, take care of is probably not quite right. I do what I can, but disabled as I am, I am more just emotional support and practical burden.
But we're all very close. They raised me. When I was out on my own and everything was looking alright and I had a life, I didn't contemplate suicide. Now over the last year it's all I can think of.
I know how I'd do it - I own a shotgun since I luckily live in a place where it can be purchased easily. I'd just walk out into the wilderness a bit and then blow out my brainstem. Easy peasy.
The emotional fallout for my parents though, I struggle to imagine. But there would be relief for them, to some degree, that I was out of my misery; certainly plenty of relief for me. Yet I cannot bring myself to do it to them. There's too much familial love and closeness.
It's like God is testing me or playing a sick joke. Whichever it is, or whether it is pure random chaos, doesn't matter. I'm just not sure how to navigate this ethically. I've never been able to talk to anyone about suicide who didn't have a 'panic button', if you know what I mean.
I'm new here. I'm a 28 year old guy and developed chronic cluster headache disorder a year ago. Nearly every day I spend at least 6 to 8 hours in excruciating neurological pain. Many neurologists have tried to help me with bupivicaine blocks, botox, emgality, verapamil, lidocaine, and now ketamine spray.
Nothing is working. Sometimes the treatments dull the pain for a while, but it is just not working. The root cause of this disease was recently discovered to be damage to the posterior anterior hypothalamus, and is likely a combination of genetic and environmental factors.
A hypothalamic brain stimulator is sometimes used, but requires 3+ years of affliction to be eligible, and even then is not always effective.
The only reason I am still alive is because I take care of my mother, 70, and my grandmother, 91. Well, take care of is probably not quite right. I do what I can, but disabled as I am, I am more just emotional support and practical burden.
But we're all very close. They raised me. When I was out on my own and everything was looking alright and I had a life, I didn't contemplate suicide. Now over the last year it's all I can think of.
I know how I'd do it - I own a shotgun since I luckily live in a place where it can be purchased easily. I'd just walk out into the wilderness a bit and then blow out my brainstem. Easy peasy.
The emotional fallout for my parents though, I struggle to imagine. But there would be relief for them, to some degree, that I was out of my misery; certainly plenty of relief for me. Yet I cannot bring myself to do it to them. There's too much familial love and closeness.
It's like God is testing me or playing a sick joke. Whichever it is, or whether it is pure random chaos, doesn't matter. I'm just not sure how to navigate this ethically. I've never been able to talk to anyone about suicide who didn't have a 'panic button', if you know what I mean.
