Venting The irony in this existence

[alstroemeria55]

Anybody else tortured by the complete irony of their depression, trauma, and dwindling will to live?

I can't even think of where to begin the list. I'm lonely, but incapable of connection. Whether it is because I am afraid of opening up, or because everyone else seems so ignorant, I think I should deserve better but at the same time I only see evidence pointing to the notion that I'm entirely worthless and a burden to this world, all the while hating the world I see around me and wishing I didn't have to live in it. If depression is incurable and only "gets better" how am I supposed to feel truly happy or fulfilled in anything? How do I look for meaning in existence while laughing at the futility of surviving every day in this ridiculous world where everything only seems to get worse and I only get betrayed and stabbed where it hurts most? If I need to chemically alter my brain in order to feel fine am I ever really going to feel like "myself"? What if being "myself" is just a curse, the universe spitting in my face and shattering me further?

I don't get why I exist when I so badly don't want to, and when I can't even feel like I exist, or enjoy the fact that I'm existing in one way or another.

 

[nuggetfinder]

I feel like alot of people here are tortured by a similar mindset. It's hard to function in a world that's actively aiding to your mental decay. It sucks when I see people pass who weren't ready to, like why couldn't that be me hello??? However I don't think you're worthless though, I think that's the depression talking.

 

[alstroemeria55]

Thank you for replying, and thanks to anyone reading or relating.
I truly wish there was an easy solution to this suffering, not only my own but so many others experiencing similar pain. Some kind of reset switch to society. Is it possible to measure worthiness? Especially when you have nobody but yourself, the closest people to you give up on you, and you come to a point where you don't even matter to yourself, wouldn't it be an objective reality that you're not worth enough? If I'm supposed to appreciate living but I don't, shouldn't someone else get to live instead of me? Getting punished with more suffering for wanting things to end after thinking life might finally be going the right way doesn't particularly encourage me to keep moving forward. It makes me think I'm undeserving of anything good in life.

 

[whyyyyyyyy]

I feel like either everyone has some deep inherent worth, or the vast majority of people are pretty much entirely worthless aside from a relatively few people who have actually grown into real human beings, and I'm not sure what is the truth. I feel like I have potential, feel pretty worthless, or maybe like I'm objectively worthless and staying alive at this point is a waste of time. I also feel like people lie to me about my worth to keep me from being depressed