The idea that there's no hope & I really do need to kill myself is an oddly motivating force.

[DeathByBananabread]

I've been extremely depressed all this winter- after Halloween, darkness enveloped me like a blanket. I put on a happy face for Thanksgiving & Christmas, but that was more like my train hadn't fully slowed down yet, & I had just a smidge more energy to give, just to fake it. I drugged myself through a weekend visit with family out-of-state. I didn't attend this Easter at all- having a massive all-night mental breakdown from having poured from an empty cup for so long & needing the day after to recover.

Even simple stuff got hard. I stopped drawing- which I do entirely digitally to make it easier on myself. My online friends stopped hearing from me as often, & we stopped livestreaming between each other.

I thought it getting warmer & sunnier out would help, I don't know if it's because it's been a particularly cold spring, but I've gotten even more depressed with the turn of the seasons, even with the sun coming out, even if I go on walks & interact a little, & since none of that helped I added a general multivitamin & iron pills, which also didn't help.

Needless to say, I'm a blob of depression running on empty right now, who nobody really hears from as I put all my energy into doing the bare minimums just to survive.

The only thing that gives me an extra boost right now- not coffee, not stretches, not walks, not my vitamins- the ONLY thing that gives me a boost is the idea I'll be dead soon. So, my corpse needs to not be gross. So, my room needs to be done-up-well. So, I need to clear my head to write a note. So, I better plan better, make sure whatever I do gets the job done.

This idea used to scare & unsettle me on some visceral level. Now it's the only thing able to keep me zombie-shuffling along.

 

[yotaka]

Isn't it strange how that can be motivating? Being a human is weird

 

[TooMuchHasHappened]

I'm really sorry that your life has brought you here, and for your suffering. Your post resonated with me quite a bit, so i thought i'd reply.

I'm also extremely depressed (amongst many other issues) and feel like spring and summer make things worse. I used to prefer the sunshine and longer days etc when life was good, but now that I hardly leave the house and hate being seen in public due to my issues and what I've become, I prefer the winter now as there's more darkness, as sad as that sounds. The other thing I don't like about the summer is that there's more people out having fun and enjoying life etc, and I can't share in that anymore.

I don't go anywhere or do anything anymore, and like you, even the simple things are hard and I'm doing the bare minimum to survive; I'm literally just existing. I've had mental breakdowns too, the first one in 2017, the last one just a few months ago. I've lost pretty much all my friends (though some have tried to stay in contact) and have realised that non of them really do care. Most haven't even bothered texting to see if I'm ok (you really do find out who your real friends are when times are hard), but that's okay. Turns out I had very few real friends actually.

I too have had a boost lately, since I decided I was going to die soon, so I totally understand why you feel that way too. Prior to deciding I was going to end my life soon, I was in a far worse state mentally, but I've cheered up a bit now knowing I'm not going to have to suffer for much longer. I'm just using what time I've got left to be as cheerful as possible for my family, even though that's difficult most of the time.

I don't know what brought you here, but my problems cannot be solved; I've been trying for many years. So for me, death is my only option, either that or continuing to suffer, but I've suffered more than enough now so I'm done, too much has happened and I've tried my best.

I hope there is hope for you and that you can overcome your difficulties somehow, but whatever happens, or whatever you choose to do, everyone should respect that, because it's your life, so you get to choose what happens. Personally, if I didn't have the physical issues that I've got, from injuries, accidents, and 15 surgeries, as well as being in chronic pain 24/7 because of all that, then I'd be ok. My depression and anxiety, and other mental health issues, only developed because of my physical issues and the fact that I can't work or exercise anymore, so without those physical issues I'd be good. When the body is broken, the mind is broken, and vice versa.

Whatever happens, I wish you all the best, and hope you can somehow find happiness again and live a meaningful life without suffering.

 

[_wishforwings]

Honestly, this time of the year is terrible, I think it's definitely part of why people CTB more often during the summer months, and if you're a lonely person it's extremely isolating to see everyone else have fun this time of year and go out and do stuff to only be stuck at home. Can definitely relate to a lot of what you've said :-( I also make art and for a while I could get myself to at least make small doodles but even something small now just takes the motivation and energy I hardly ever get. Much love