s00ngone
All you can feel is the weather
- Mar 21, 2025
- 37
My sister asked me, before leaving for a sleepover with her friend nearby, what happened with me and the guy I was seeing. I dodged the question, ultimately landing on the not-entirely-untrue answer that I cut things off because I could tell my life wasn't going anywhere and he deserves better.
Oh, sis. That's part of it, for sure. I'm sorry I can't tell you the truth, for the life of me. I'm sorry you saw me look so happy with someone for once in my life only to get empty half-truths from me when it's all said and done. If only you knew where my mind's been for so many months. If only he did, for that matter. If only anyone did.
I'd gone out with a guy two or three years ago now, a brief thing on Tinder, that I then obsessed over, agonized over, for 2 years straight. With nothing better to do, I guess. At the height of my delirium I showed up at his house hoping to talk - his sister called and screamed at me when I got home. It was brutal. I deserved it.
And now, to remember the Christmas party this guy invited me to, the hikes we went on, days over, the briefly held belief in a future we could both see...
Ha. It's just an incomprehensible spot I feel I'm in, to have swung so hard, to have done such a breakneck 180. Every day I go to work, I buy pastries at the local bakery with money that I should be saving for a fleeting dopamine hit, I watch Binding of Isaac videos on YouTube to stall the inevitable, to feel anything at all...
I don't know. I guess I'm just trying to put words out into the void, knowing that I've been contemplating the unthinkable for months now. I have no faith that there's a life beyond this - I SINCERELY hope there isn't - so to be so resigned to giving this life up, and leaving behind the brutality of my absence to my sister, my beautiful, sweet sister...
Yeah. No words. I wish I could erase that I was ever born. She'll make it out there, I know it. I just wish she didn't have to make it without me for me to rest, forever.
Oh, sis. That's part of it, for sure. I'm sorry I can't tell you the truth, for the life of me. I'm sorry you saw me look so happy with someone for once in my life only to get empty half-truths from me when it's all said and done. If only you knew where my mind's been for so many months. If only he did, for that matter. If only anyone did.
I'd gone out with a guy two or three years ago now, a brief thing on Tinder, that I then obsessed over, agonized over, for 2 years straight. With nothing better to do, I guess. At the height of my delirium I showed up at his house hoping to talk - his sister called and screamed at me when I got home. It was brutal. I deserved it.
And now, to remember the Christmas party this guy invited me to, the hikes we went on, days over, the briefly held belief in a future we could both see...
Ha. It's just an incomprehensible spot I feel I'm in, to have swung so hard, to have done such a breakneck 180. Every day I go to work, I buy pastries at the local bakery with money that I should be saving for a fleeting dopamine hit, I watch Binding of Isaac videos on YouTube to stall the inevitable, to feel anything at all...
I don't know. I guess I'm just trying to put words out into the void, knowing that I've been contemplating the unthinkable for months now. I have no faith that there's a life beyond this - I SINCERELY hope there isn't - so to be so resigned to giving this life up, and leaving behind the brutality of my absence to my sister, my beautiful, sweet sister...
Yeah. No words. I wish I could erase that I was ever born. She'll make it out there, I know it. I just wish she didn't have to make it without me for me to rest, forever.
give you this. I hope no matter what decision you ultimately make, that you will find the peace and rest that you deserve.
