The guilt hurts more than anything

[Trjan]

I'm not scared of death but I am terrified of the pain I am going to cause my family, in particular my mum. It eats me up every second of the day. I'll get random messages telling me how much of an amazing son I am etc... out of nowhere and I just know this is going to crush her. I know my other family members will be upset too but I know how invested in my life my mum is that I just feel like a piece of shit for what I'm about to put her through. She has helped me with everything. On paper I am doing well but my head is just one big disjointed mess and these spouts of depression are just coming through quicker than the last. It's putting me behind in everything. I was supposed to be finishing my professional training so soon and couldn't even concentrate in my books without thinking how much of a piece of shit loser I am. And once again my mum is going to have to pick up the pieces. I fucking hate myself.

 

[DynamicDepression]

I know how you feel, my friend. I don't know your mother, but from what you wrote she seems to love and treasure your well-being more than anything. Do you think it might be easier for her if you write a letter to her for when after you've CTB? Telling her how you felt and how this was the right decision for you? Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I'm navigating this exact problem myself.

 

[Trjan]

I know how you feel, my friend. I don't know your mother, but from what you wrote she seems to love and treasure your well-being more than anything. Do you think it might be easier for her if you write a letter to her for when after you've CTB? Telling her how you felt and how this was the right decision for you? Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I'm navigating this exact problem myself.

I've written an 8 page letter to explain everything and even that doesn't seem enough. :((( I've thought about leaving voice recordings of me reading books and poems I know we both loved but I don't know if that is going to be even more painful to hear from her side of things. I've been looking back through old memories and just don't know where it went so wrong. I was so happy. I just don't get it

 

[DynamicDepression]

I've written an 8 page letter to explain everything and even that doesn't seem enough. :((( I've thought about leaving voice recordings of me reading books and poems I know we both loved but I don't know if that is going to be even more painful to hear from her side of things. I've been looking back through old memories and just don't know where it went so wrong. I was so happy. I just don't get it

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's not fair to anyone. I know it's much easier said than done, but I hope you know that suicide is not selfish, and the risk of hurting your mother ultimately shouldn't stop you if you really wish to CTB. I'm sure she will understand and accept it, eventually. Sorry for not being of any more help. Lots of love.

 

[Trjan]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's not fair to anyone. I know it's much easier said than done, but I hope you know that suicide is not selfish, and the risk of hurting your mother ultimately shouldn't stop you if you really wish to CTB. I'm sure she will understand and accept it, eventually. Sorry for not being of any more help. Lots of love.

Thank you for you kind words. I've booked my hotel for this coming Monday to go with N. I've been fortunate enough to be able to be with my family this weekend so I'll make sure I make the absolute most of it and cherish every moment.

 

[hopelessdreams]

hey, first of all, you sound like a lovely human being. second of all, i'm sorry you're going through this. i'm in the exact same boat as you, except i'm not catching the bus yet. my question too is: where did it all go wrong?

i know you're not here for advice, you're just here to vent. but please, for the love of everything that is you, consider getting help first before you decide to do something. it could very well be a hormonal issue that led to depression. you could get some help. from everything that you said, it sounds like you really cherish and love your mother. maybe you could open up to her?

again, i know you're not here to be "talked out of it" and i'm not trying to do that, but i just want you to know that you don't have to do something out of pressure. we'll welcome you back with open arms if you decide to stay a little longer.

if you need someone to talk to, or just want to vent, feel free to message me.

sorry if this wasn't the type of response you're looking for, but i couldn't get it over my heart to not say something to you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you suffer so unbearably. Even know grief and loss are inevitable in life, I can imagine that it must be so devastating being in that situation. I hope that you find relief from your pain in whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[MementoMori81]

Really sorry to hear this. I know exactly what you mean though, as it's a frequent topic of conversation I've heard in counselling with other suicidal people - the guilt for those left behind.

I think society needs to reframe the way it views death. After all, it's a perfectly natural part of life, just like being born. I understand most can't get their head around the fact that there are people who actually want to bring about their own exit, but again, this is another topic I strongly believe needs to be discussed openly in the public domain now - suicide and suicidality. That way, it'll be much easier for suicidal people to broach the subject with family and friends, without the latter going into either all out panic, condemnation of the former, or just denial.

It doesn't get spoken about enough, not with any level of openness, vulnerability and honesty. Neither do people look to address the greater reasons causing suicidality - whether they be societal or otherwise. Only within MARS/PAS campaigning groups (such as Dignity In Dying here in the UK for example ) have I ever seen it being discussed openly and bluntly.

Anyway, I digress. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It is natural to feel guilty for your family and friends, however. Completely normal. I hope you're okay. I'm always about if you need a friendly ear.