Venting the fear and hope that everyone hates me and wishes i would kill myself

[eggsausagerice]

a part of me wants to go back to being in high school where no one liked me, i was ugly, and and i wanted to die everyday but chose not to because people kept telling me life would be better once i graduated. i never wanted to kill myself more than in high school because i felt like my failure to fit in and my very obvious loneliness made people uncomfortable and passively bully me by excluding me. i thought that if i killed myself back then, everyone would just expect it and not care at all because high schoolers have no empathy for the people around them. when we all became seniors and my classmates said they liked me i knew it wasn't true, because we still had nothing in common and we were never going to make plans outside of school with each other. but that's the kind of thing you never say out loud to someone you don't like. my one redeeming trait is that i was funny, but no one seemed to like anything else about me. i was the funny one that couldn't get along with anyone. quirky but ultimately weird and offputting.

now that i'm contemplating suicide in the very near future now, the hope that everyone hates and wants to isolate themselves from me is coming back, even if the people around me genuinely like me. i want to cut off all my friends and matter to no one. i want to block everyone and just die tomorrow without sending anyone a single suicide note because i don't seem to care about the way others would feel about me dying at all. i just feel like it would make everyone's lives better because it means i won't be a burden anymore by being depressed and not having a job or license, since i've needed to rely on my parents financially and be driven around by my dad for all of high school and college. i feel like i'm supposed to hate myself for being a loser. i want to block everyone on my phone because talking to them feels like a chore. the thought that i should've died when i was younger keeps following me around. i don't think i matter to anyone. i feel detached from society and like i should be ashamed for letting people be around me. i feel like a ghost when i'm around people. if i died today i truly don't think that it would matter. i contribute nothing to people's lives and the people that left me behind don't think about me or wish we were friends again. i'm easy to forget and leave behind because i don't do anything important.