100memoryleaks
forever sorry
- Jul 6, 2026
- 102
i think ctb would have always been the logical ending to my life story, regardless of what happened. I don't seem to accept having good things happen to me.
i started to cut first when I was 14, I was dumb and literally used a kitchen knife on my first try (lol) but then moved onto regular shaving razors and eyebrow razors. I have tried to get clean several times but would eventually relapse sooner or later. whenever I wasn't cutting, I was making bruises on myself. this was my preferred sh method recently too, I would just impulsively hit myself as a self punishment for certain behaviors, lying crying or getting annoyed.
at 16 I was addicted to video games, lmao, not saying gaming itself is bad but for me personally I was pulling all-nighters frequently. it got to a point where it was really annoying to the rest of my family since I wouldn't eat any meals with them and I was always arriving late to places. also failed a ton of my classes in school.
at 19 I decided I'm gonna finally lose some weight, I became overweight during my video game addiction phase, also used to binge eat back then. after a while I eventually developed bulimia, since then I would have binge/restrict cycles and binge/purge sessions.
I'm 21 now. this year I decided I'm going to stay committed to losing even more weight (even though my weight is already healthy), my goal was 48 kg. not only that, but Iost my period about 5 months ago. i actually intentionally wanted to lose it, I looked up that restricting your overall fat intake would mess with your hormones, so that's exactly what I did. never liked having periods, they're a nuisance at best and rage inducing at worst. i also developed iron deficiency anemia, but I wanted to continue restricting in spite of that. i would end my work shifts feeling dizzy and shaky. i drank a LOT of caffeine to make up for my lack of actual energy and for appetite suppression, like 2-3 energy drinks a day plus coffee.
gambling is another addiction of mine, I developed it last year and I lost.... an embarrassing amount of money. that's all I will say. i made it eventually by working and trying to do it less often.
i don't really know where I was going with this, but I guess it goes to show all in all I don't actually care about my health and well-being and never have, unless it directly benefits me somehow like my appearance. in death I will hopefully no longer be plagued by such inner critical voices that wish me the worst.
i started to cut first when I was 14, I was dumb and literally used a kitchen knife on my first try (lol) but then moved onto regular shaving razors and eyebrow razors. I have tried to get clean several times but would eventually relapse sooner or later. whenever I wasn't cutting, I was making bruises on myself. this was my preferred sh method recently too, I would just impulsively hit myself as a self punishment for certain behaviors, lying crying or getting annoyed.
at 16 I was addicted to video games, lmao, not saying gaming itself is bad but for me personally I was pulling all-nighters frequently. it got to a point where it was really annoying to the rest of my family since I wouldn't eat any meals with them and I was always arriving late to places. also failed a ton of my classes in school.
at 19 I decided I'm gonna finally lose some weight, I became overweight during my video game addiction phase, also used to binge eat back then. after a while I eventually developed bulimia, since then I would have binge/restrict cycles and binge/purge sessions.
I'm 21 now. this year I decided I'm going to stay committed to losing even more weight (even though my weight is already healthy), my goal was 48 kg. not only that, but Iost my period about 5 months ago. i actually intentionally wanted to lose it, I looked up that restricting your overall fat intake would mess with your hormones, so that's exactly what I did. never liked having periods, they're a nuisance at best and rage inducing at worst. i also developed iron deficiency anemia, but I wanted to continue restricting in spite of that. i would end my work shifts feeling dizzy and shaky. i drank a LOT of caffeine to make up for my lack of actual energy and for appetite suppression, like 2-3 energy drinks a day plus coffee.
gambling is another addiction of mine, I developed it last year and I lost.... an embarrassing amount of money. that's all I will say. i made it eventually by working and trying to do it less often.
i don't really know where I was going with this, but I guess it goes to show all in all I don't actually care about my health and well-being and never have, unless it directly benefits me somehow like my appearance. in death I will hopefully no longer be plagued by such inner critical voices that wish me the worst.
