If you read my every now and then vents, you know, I have not only lost everything but destroyed my whole life and everything worth living for. I'm not a victim, I'm a perpetrator. And I'm suffering.
The last months, I lost my memories, lost my mind, did some drugs on top of it. Then, I had to function. I did what I was supposed to do, travelled, quit all drugs, and gained hope. The last two weeks were good. Well, bearable, not good – but bearable is more than I had in the last two years. Slowly coming to mind again, the memories came back. Everyone told me how good I was doing, having back my orientation, my mental clarity. But these memories included memories of what I've destroyed. Now, every grain of dust triggers a memory of these times that are gone forever, and it hurts. It hurts as much as on day one, probably more because every day manifests the harsh truth that my life is just a heap of ruins and proves that there is no going back.
My threshold to feel positive things is unbelievably high. Am I really supposed to live like that? There is no escape from my nightmare, and if there is, it won't last long.
I've gotten what I deserve for the damage I've caused.
The last months, I lost my memories, lost my mind, did some drugs on top of it. Then, I had to function. I did what I was supposed to do, travelled, quit all drugs, and gained hope. The last two weeks were good. Well, bearable, not good – but bearable is more than I had in the last two years. Slowly coming to mind again, the memories came back. Everyone told me how good I was doing, having back my orientation, my mental clarity. But these memories included memories of what I've destroyed. Now, every grain of dust triggers a memory of these times that are gone forever, and it hurts. It hurts as much as on day one, probably more because every day manifests the harsh truth that my life is just a heap of ruins and proves that there is no going back.
My threshold to feel positive things is unbelievably high. Am I really supposed to live like that? There is no escape from my nightmare, and if there is, it won't last long.
I've gotten what I deserve for the damage I've caused.
