The Devastation of Waking Up After a Failed Attempt. Also My Therapist Dropped Me.

[You Can Call Me Al]

TL;DR
Tried to overdose, didn't work. Liver started failing, admitted to hospital, therapist said she can't see me anymore. Waking up was one of the worst feelings of my life.


God, it's been what? Nine or ten years since my last attempt up until now. I've been heavily suicidal since I was seven but I haven't attempted it in years because of reasons like my pets, debt that I don't want my family to get (despite their utter uninvolvement in my life), my apartment is messy, my life insurance doesn't cash out for suicide, etc. Basically I do well talking myself out of it despite wishing I was dead every single day. I don't necessarily want to kill myself, but I would be happy if I died. You know the feeling.

Two months ago I suddenly had a breakdown, no warning. I called the cops right before to let them know about my pets, didn't clean my apartment like I normally try to do during an episode. This time there was no preparation and no stopping me. I took a mixture of at least 50 Percocet/Vicodin (I had a few bottles still from a recent surgery) with a bunch of alcohol and anti-nausea pills so I wouldn't puke, left my phone so I couldn't be tracked, and hid in the dark of an empty park to wait. No goodbye, no thought-out note, just an "I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore." Quickly and almost illegibly written on my whiteboard.

That was like 8 pm and I woke up at almost 6. I woke up. At first I was disorientated and thought I was in the streets of some busy city having become addicted to hard drugs and this intense scenario. It felt like a dream but I was mostly awake, so a hallucination? It finally all came back to me and I was so devastated that it didn't work. I don't know if I was just dumb and Percocet and Vicodin overdoses just aren't lethal or if I really underestimated how much I should take, but compared to the absolutely assured comfort the night before that I'd never wake up again, I was in so much pain all over again. I cried while puking blood. I was still mostly disoriented but I vaguely remember barely being able to stand up, let alone walk but I made it back to my apartment building and someone took me to the ER.

I fucking hate hospitals and after I told my doctor what I did, he was an ass, coldly telling me how I now have no rights and I am involuntarily admitted and will be constantly supervised. At this point, I'm still incredibly out of it, can't stop crying, keep switching from falling asleep and puking more blood while they take care of my failing liver. The cops that came to take a statement were much warmer though. I was reminded of all these people later though because I had completely forgot.

I had to stay in the hospital for almost a week because of my failing liver and also because it was a suicide attempt. They didn't let someone bring my phone and didn't let me even have a book. They had to watch me pee and shit too. So dehumanizing. I'm a baby and just cried the whole time and wanted to die more. I think the system is fucked up, when someone is going through that you shouldn't isolate them further with no one they can go to for love and comfort and a patronizing hospital counselor who doesn't care about shit.

I had to stay longer than I would have because when they asked about therapy options for me, I told them I already had a therapist and gave them her information. She had been helping me through childhood trauma and was doing EMDR for my PTSD and depression. She knew about my suicidal ideation and how long it had been going on. When they called her to confirm I was a current patient, she let both of us know that she couldn't see me anymore because they don't have the resources. So they wouldn't release me when they would have. I still haven't found a new one.

I don't know why I'm writing this but only two people know because I needed help with the pets and getting home and whatnot. But for the first two or three weeks out, it was just continual panic attacks and crying and exhaustion. I still get depressed when I walk by the library with the park. And I'm still so disappointed it hurts. That I failed, that I had to be in the hospital, that I can't be happy. I hate not knowing what I did wrong and that I was reckless and wasted those pills for a traumatic experience. They were a source of comfort for me, an escape option. I was so close and everything I've wanted for decades but haven't had the guts to do, was almost there. The relief I felt as I was falling asleep was such a comfort. I was happy for a moment. Now I just have more depression, hospital bills, and no therapist.

 

[trynacbt]

I'm so sorry for what you went through. I myself am very afraid of 'waking up' after an attempt. And I agree that the system is screwed up and dehumanizing. (Particularly in the US, if I may say so...) Can I ask, was this before you found SS or after? Have your feelings changed after finding the methods on this site?

 

[You Can Call Me Al]

Thank you. Yeah the US is an absolute shit show when it comes to medical and mental health.
It was after finding this site actually. I've looked up lots of methods on this site and daydream about what I'd do. But in that moment, I was completely irrational. I was a crying, borderline hysterical mess with no way to calm myself and think it through, let alone plan something that would actually work.

I love this site because after I found it, at least I felt assured that when the time came, I could find a *nearly* foolproof method and I'd be fine. But in this moment I was desperate and a complete idiot and not completely there. I'm surprised I even took the anti-nausea pills. I even hid the pills bottles so if they found me after going to my apartment, they'd have no idea what I took.

I'm so sorry for what you went through. I myself am very afraid of 'waking up' after an attempt. And I agree that the system is screwed up and dehumanizing. (Particularly in the US, if I may say so...) Can I ask, was this before you found SS or after? Have your feelings changed after finding the methods on this site?

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Im so sorry hun. Sounds like you went through a fucking nightmare. I'm glad your out now, at least they dont hold you too long in the US..... Even though being there is more like a punishment than help-----

I dont know anything about the method you chose and its reliability, at this point its all about what you want from here on out...... The struggle is real and I hope you find a path that brings you the relief you long for.

 

[sleepy dog]

TL;DR
Tried to overdose, didn't work. Liver started failing, admitted to hospital, therapist said she can't see me anymore. Waking up was one of the worst feelings of my life.


God, it's been what? Nine or ten years since my last attempt up until now. I've been heavily suicidal since I was seven but I haven't attempted it in years because of reasons like my pets, debt that I don't want my family to get (despite their utter uninvolvement in my life), my apartment is messy, my life insurance doesn't cash out for suicide, etc. Basically I do well talking myself out of it despite wishing I was dead every single day. I don't necessarily want to kill myself, but I would be happy if I died. You know the feeling.

Two months ago I suddenly had a breakdown, no warning. I called the cops right before to let them know about my pets, didn't clean my apartment like I normally try to do during an episode. This time there was no preparation and no stopping me. I took a mixture of at least 50 Percocet/Vicodin (I had a few bottles still from a recent surgery) with a bunch of alcohol and anti-nausea pills so I wouldn't puke, left my phone so I couldn't be tracked, and hid in the dark of an empty park to wait. No goodbye, no thought-out note, just an "I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore." Quickly and almost illegibly written on my whiteboard.

That was like 8 pm and I woke up at almost 6. I woke up. At first I was disorientated and thought I was in the streets of some busy city having become addicted to hard drugs and this intense scenario. It felt like a dream but I was mostly awake, so a hallucination? It finally all came back to me and I was so devastated that it didn't work. I don't know if I was just dumb and Percocet and Vicodin overdoses just aren't lethal or if I really underestimated how much I should take, but compared to the absolutely assured comfort the night before that I'd never wake up again, I was in so much pain all over again. I cried while puking blood. I was still mostly disoriented but I vaguely remember barely being able to stand up, let alone walk but I made it back to my apartment building and someone took me to the ER.

I fucking hate hospitals and after I told my doctor what I did, he was an ass, coldly telling me how I now have no rights and I am involuntarily admitted and will be constantly supervised. At this point, I'm still incredibly out of it, can't stop crying, keep switching from falling asleep and puking more blood while they take care of my failing liver. The cops that came to take a statement were much warmer though. I was reminded of all these people later though because I had completely forgot.

I had to stay in the hospital for almost a week because of my failing liver and also because it was a suicide attempt. They didn't let someone bring my phone and didn't let me even have a book. They had to watch me pee and shit too. So dehumanizing. I'm a baby and just cried the whole time and wanted to die more. I think the system is fucked up, when someone is going through that you shouldn't isolate them further with no one they can go to for love and comfort and a patronizing hospital counselor who doesn't care about shit.

I had to stay longer than I would have because when they asked about therapy options for me, I told them I already had a therapist and gave them her information. She had been helping me through childhood trauma and was doing EMDR for my PTSD and depression. She knew about my suicidal ideation and how long it had been going on. When they called her to confirm I was a current patient, she let both of us know that she couldn't see me anymore because they don't have the resources. So they wouldn't release me when they would have. I still haven't found a new one.

I don't know why I'm writing this but only two people know because I needed help with the pets and getting home and whatnot. But for the first two or three weeks out, it was just continual panic attacks and crying and exhaustion. I still get depressed when I walk by the library with the park. And I'm still so disappointed it hurts. That I failed, that I had to be in the hospital, that I can't be happy. I hate not knowing what I did wrong and that I was reckless and wasted those pills for a traumatic experience. They were a source of comfort for me, an escape option. I was so close and everything I've wanted for decades but haven't had the guts to do, was almost there. The relief I felt as I was falling asleep was such a comfort. I was happy for a moment. Now I just have more depression, hospital bills, and no therapist.

Did you have to appear in court?

 

[You Can Call Me Al]

Did you have to appear in court?

No, I vaguely remember they said I might have to but I'm thinking not since the pills were my prescription? I'm not sure but grateful I didn't, that'd just make everything worse. That's so fucked up. Is that common??

Im so sorry hun. Sounds like you went through a fucking nightmare. I'm glad your out now, at least they dont hold you too long in the US..... Even though being there is more like a punishment than help-----

I dont know anything about the method you chose and its reliability, at this point its all about what you want from here on out...... The struggle is real and I hope you find a path that brings you the relief you long for.

I'd have been a mess if they held me longer. I kept just emphasizing that I need to get back to work or I'd lose my job and apartment.

Thank you, I hope so too.

 

[sleepy dog]

No, I vaguely remember they said I might have to but I'm thinking not since the pills were my prescription? I'm not sure but grateful I didn't, that'd just make everything worse. That's so fucked up. Is that common??

Here we go again. Females not getting court ordered treatment when a man would have. I was in custody for 17 days. In that facility some of the females had actually tried to commit suicide. Two of the seven females got court ordered treatment. None of the males tried to commit suicide. Four of the five males got court ordered treatment. That's 29% for females compared to 80% for males. I had to take a drug that absolutely tortured me with constant and extreme restlessness and inability to concentrate. I couldn't even sit and watch TV. You should consider yourself very well off after what you did when its compared to what happens to men that don't even attempt suicide. You even called the cops. Goodness sakes you got off easy.

 

[You Can Call Me Al]

Here we go again. Females not getting court ordered treatment when a man would have....
You should consider yourself very well off after what you did when its compared to what happens to men that don't even attempt suicide. You even called the cops. Goodness sakes you got off easy.

I'm sorry you went through that, truly it's unfair. I know it's a very emotional thing, but maybe don't be aggressive that I or other women didn't have to deal with the court system too. Just because you went through a very difficult thing, doesn't mean others should too.
It also might be my state/area that I didn't, I live in Seattle and they're very liberal and more progressive. It might also be because of the cops I had or the County worker who I had to plead my case to to be released were in good moods that day. It could be gender, that's true, but that doesn't mean I was lucky. You were just unlucky.

 

[BlueWidow]

I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you. Boy, do I remember that horrified and disappointed feeling you get when you first wake up and realize your attempt failed and you're still stuck here in hell. And then they make it worse by holding you in a hospital against your will and observing you like you're some kind of an experiment or an animal in the zoo. I've always wondered how that was supposed to help anybody who is suicidal feel any better, or feel any less suicidal. I hope things begin to go better for you soon.

 

[ImsooDone1N]

I'm so sorry to hear about this ordeal you went thru. That sounds like a terrible experience. The whole experience of being hospitalized against your Will is horrible & has only made things worse for me. Absolutely no good came from it. I really hope that you feel better (or as good as can be expected) soon. *hugs*

 

[blackflag1]

Sorry you went through all that. Just like Tylenol is not a good CTB option, neither is Percocet or Vicodin which both also contain Acetaminophen. They are more likely to make you sick with Liver failure than kill you outright. Not a fun experience for anybody. If you choose to use a narcotic in the future, avoid those that are mixed with other non-narcotic drugs, especially Acetaminophen.

 

[khw777]

Im so sorry hun. Sounds like you went through a fucking nightmare. I'm glad your out now, at least they dont hold you too long in the US..... Even though being there is more like a punishment than help-----

I dont know anything about the method you chose and its reliability, at this point its all about what you want from here on out...... The struggle is real and I hope you find a path that brings you the relief you long for.

Thank you. Yeah the US is an absolute shit show when it comes to medical and mental health.
It was after finding this site actually. I've looked up lots of methods on this site and daydream about what I'd do. But in that moment, I was completely irrational. I was a crying, borderline hysterical mess with no way to calm myself and think it through, let alone plan something that would actually work.

I love this site because after I found it, at least I felt assured that when the time came, I could find a *nearly* foolproof method and I'd be fine. But in this moment I was desperate and a complete idiot and not completely there. I'm surprised I even took the anti-nausea pills. I even hid the pills bottles so if they found me after going to my apartment, they'd have no idea what I took.

So sorry you had to suffer so much. I hope everything gets better for you. How are you physically, and how is your liver. You said you were throwing blood.

 

[sleepy dog]

I'm sorry you went through that, truly it's unfair. I know it's a very emotional thing, but maybe don't be aggressive that I or other women didn't have to deal with the court system too. Just because you went through a very difficult thing, doesn't mean others should too.
It also might be my state/area that I didn't, I live in Seattle and they're very liberal and more progressive. It might also be because of the cops I had or the County worker who I had to plead my case to to be released were in good moods that day. It could be gender, that's true, but that doesn't mean I was lucky. You were just unlucky.

First problem with your post, "don't be aggressive". How is writing about events that happened "aggressive"? Don't let your imagination lead to accusing somebody of something that isn't true.

Second problem with your post. Show me in my post where I state that you "was lucky". You can't do that because I never said it. Don't let your imagination lead to accusing somebody of something that isn't true.

Don't be making things up and don't be accusing me of things I haven't done. You got off easy just because you are a female. You should be grateful. Obviously you are not. Wake up.

I won't be responding to anymore of your false accusations. Try keeping your imagination under control. Your attitude is horrible.

 

[JSauter]

First problem with your post, "don't be aggressive". How is writing about events that happened "aggressive"? Don't let your imagination lead to accusing somebody of something that isn't true.

Second problem with your post. Show me in my post where I state that you "was lucky". You can't do that because I never said it. Don't let your imagination lead to accusing somebody of something that isn't true.

Don't be making things up and don't be accusing me of things I haven't done. You got off easy just because you are a female. You should be grateful. Obviously you are not. Wake up.

I won't be responding to anymore of your false accusations. Try keeping your imagination under control. Your attitude is horrible.

This person doesn't need your lecture right now. Shut up already. Go write your congressman about this, not some person at the end of their rope. Fuck sake.

You're thumbing your nose at someone who's liver is bleeding out and who lost their support system. You're taking your frustrations out on the wrong person.

 

[sleepy dog]

This person doesn't need your lecture right now. Shut up already. Go write your congressman about this, not some person at the end of their rope. Fuck sake.

You're thumbing your nose at someone who's liver is bleeding out and who lost their support system. You're taking your frustrations out on the wrong person.

..."liver is bleeding out"...Really genius? She said it was 2 months ago. More imagination going on.

You want to disrespect somebody, here is some disrespect back. Fuck off and mind your own business.

 

[Reyki6667]

Some doctors think they are Gods and think their skills are undeniable.... Turn out that when everything fails, instead on blaming themselves and refining their skills...... They blame patients.... Just like a 5 year old would do.
Ironic isn't it?

 

[Sweet emotion]

TL;DR
Tried to overdose, didn't work. Liver started failing, admitted to hospital, therapist said she can't see me anymore. Waking up was one of the worst feelings of my life.


God, it's been what? Nine or ten years since my last attempt up until now. I've been heavily suicidal since I was seven but I haven't attempted it in years because of reasons like my pets, debt that I don't want my family to get (despite their utter uninvolvement in my life), my apartment is messy, my life insurance doesn't cash out for suicide, etc. Basically I do well talking myself out of it despite wishing I was dead every single day. I don't necessarily want to kill myself, but I would be happy if I died. You know the feeling.

Two months ago I suddenly had a breakdown, no warning. I called the cops right before to let them know about my pets, didn't clean my apartment like I normally try to do during an episode. This time there was no preparation and no stopping me. I took a mixture of at least 50 Percocet/Vicodin (I had a few bottles still from a recent surgery) with a bunch of alcohol and anti-nausea pills so I wouldn't puke, left my phone so I couldn't be tracked, and hid in the dark of an empty park to wait. No goodbye, no thought-out note, just an "I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore." Quickly and almost illegibly written on my whiteboard.

That was like 8 pm and I woke up at almost 6. I woke up. At first I was disorientated and thought I was in the streets of some busy city having become addicted to hard drugs and this intense scenario. It felt like a dream but I was mostly awake, so a hallucination? It finally all came back to me and I was so devastated that it didn't work. I don't know if I was just dumb and Percocet and Vicodin overdoses just aren't lethal or if I really underestimated how much I should take, but compared to the absolutely assured comfort the night before that I'd never wake up again, I was in so much pain all over again. I cried while puking blood. I was still mostly disoriented but I vaguely remember barely being able to stand up, let alone walk but I made it back to my apartment building and someone took me to the ER.

I fucking hate hospitals and after I told my doctor what I did, he was an ass, coldly telling me how I now have no rights and I am involuntarily admitted and will be constantly supervised. At this point, I'm still incredibly out of it, can't stop crying, keep switching from falling asleep and puking more blood while they take care of my failing liver. The cops that came to take a statement were much warmer though. I was reminded of all these people later though because I had completely forgot.

I had to stay in the hospital for almost a week because of my failing liver and also because it was a suicide attempt. They didn't let someone bring my phone and didn't let me even have a book. They had to watch me pee and shit too. So dehumanizing. I'm a baby and just cried the whole time and wanted to die more. I think the system is fucked up, when someone is going through that you shouldn't isolate them further with no one they can go to for love and comfort and a patronizing hospital counselor who doesn't care about shit.

I had to stay longer than I would have because when they asked about therapy options for me, I told them I already had a therapist and gave them her information. She had been helping me through childhood trauma and was doing EMDR for my PTSD and depression. She knew about my suicidal ideation and how long it had been going on. When they called her to confirm I was a current patient, she let both of us know that she couldn't see me anymore because they don't have the resources. So they wouldn't release me when they would have. I still haven't found a new one.

I don't know why I'm writing this but only two people know because I needed help with the pets and getting home and whatnot. But for the first two or three weeks out, it was just continual panic attacks and crying and exhaustion. I still get depressed when I walk by the library with the park. And I'm still so disappointed it hurts. That I failed, that I had to be in the hospital, that I can't be happy. I hate not knowing what I did wrong and that I was reckless and wasted those pills for a traumatic experience. They were a source of comfort for me, an escape option. I was so close and everything I've wanted for decades but haven't had the guts to do, was almost there. The relief I felt as I was falling asleep was such a comfort. I was happy for a moment. Now I just have more depression, hospital bills, and no therapist.

I'm beyond sorry what you're going through. I plan on dying by pills and hearing your story scares me. I have a ton more than you do because I knew this day was going to come so I had been saving. People have told me I have enough to knock an elephant out but it's always hard to know. My good friend killed herself by pills but she had a bunch of seconal and fentanyl patches that she put all over her chest. I've been on suicide watch in the hospital too when I was having massive headaches which turned into a rare chronic pain disorder. I didn't mind it much because the girl was close to my age but I said don't think for one second you're going to watch me go to the bathroom. I said if you head me break the mirror then you can worry. My heart breaks for you. Wanting to be out if misery so badly and waking up to not understanding what is going on. And I can't believe your piece of shit therapist dropped you now when you need her the most. All I can do is let you know you're in my thoughts.

Some doctors think they are Gods and think their skills are undeniable.... Turn out that when everything fails, instead on blaming themselves and refining their skills...... They blame patients.... Just like a 5 year old would do.
Ironic isn't it?

You got that right!

 

[blackflag1]

The OP will likely recover as far as the Liver is concerned. You usually find that out within two weeks after a suicide attempt with any pill containing Acetaminophen. The Liver is one of the few organs in your body that you can destroy a portion of or even cut off a portion of and it will regenerate in time. That of course does not give you a green light to continue causing damage because eventually you will end up with a failed Liver.

If one is going to CTB with pills, they need to be fully aware of all active drugs in the pill. Acetaminophen is not a fun way to die or experience temporary liver from. Even temporary Liver failure will make you feel sicker than you have felt in your life. It also involves an ICU stay which sucks in and of itself. ICUs tend to have more restrictive visitation policies than other parts of the hospital.

 

[color_me_gone]

I am so sorry about all that you have been through.
Spur of the moment ctb attempts almost always fail.
SS teaches us that we must plan carefully, select a reliable method, follow all the rules for success.
I realize that you didn't really intend to do what you did.
Prescription drugs is a very unreliable method, except for fentanyl.
My heart goes to you!

 

[You Can Call Me Al]

Sorry you went through all that. Just like Tylenol is not a good CTB option, neither is Percocet or Vicodin which both also contain Acetaminophen. They are more likely to make you sick with Liver failure than kill you outright. Not a fun experience for anybody. If you choose to use a narcotic in the future, avoid those that are mixed with other non-narcotic drugs, especially Acetaminophen.

That's good to know, thank you so much. I had no idea and had it not come of out nowhere and I hadn't been so irrational, I could have done my research. Ugh.

So sorry you had to suffer so much. I hope everything gets better for you. How are you physically, and how is your liver. You said you were throwing blood.

Thank you, you're kind. Physically, I'm great. They said I almost died from the liver failure amd yet my liver was back to normal after like three days. I haven't been back to the doctor to check up or anything like they wanted, too traumatic, but I feel fine.
Thanks everyone for your kind words. I didn't realize until now that so many people commented. Everything is fine physically, my liver got back to normal in like half a week. And yes, I definitely agree to do your research and plan ahead rather than last minute. Trust me, I would have had I been able to. I was just not there mentally. There was no hesitation or considering if I should sit down and look it up online. I just did it, downed alcohol and anti nausea, and walked out the door. I hope I never reach that point of not being able to reason again.

I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you. Boy, do I remember that horrified and disappointed feeling you get when you first wake up and realize your attempt failed and you're still stuck here in hell. And then they make it worse by holding you in a hospital against your will and observing you like you're some kind of an experiment or an animal in the zoo. I've always wondered how that was supposed to help anybody who is suicidal feel any better, or feel any less suicidal. I hope things begin to go better for you soon.

I wonder how they think that too, it makes me want to change it but I don't know how. I don't where I'd even start with that and being a public advocate for it scares because it means people in my life would know something about me that I'd obviously rather keep private.

 

[BlueWidow]

That's good to know, thank you so much. I had no idea and had it not come of out nowhere and I hadn't been so irrational, I could have done my research. Ugh.


Thank you, you're kind. Physically, I'm great. They said I almost died from the liver failure amd yet my liver was back to normal after like three days. I haven't been back to the doctor to check up or anything like they wanted, too traumatic, but I feel fine.
Thanks everyone for your kind words. I didn't realize until now that so many people commented. Everything is fine physically, my liver got back to normal in like half a week. And yes, I definitely agree to do your research and plan ahead rather than last minute. Trust me, I would have had I been able to. I was just not there mentally. There was no hesitation or considering if I should sit down and look it up online. I just did it, downed alcohol and anti nausea, and walked out the door. I hope I never reach that point of not being able to reason again.

I wonder how they think that too, it makes me want to change it but I don't know how. I don't where I'd even start with that and being a public advocate for it scares because it means people in my life would know something about me that I'd obviously rather keep private.

Yes, The psychiatric system that we seem to have all over the world has been this way for so long now that I think you would get all kinds of backlash if you tried to change it. The people who run it and the people who don't need it have this need to "know that it works". I've had people in that industry challenge me when I've made statements about how the things they do don't work. They get very defensive and insist that they do work and it's the patients who aren't trying hard enough to get well. It always goes back to blaming the patient when things don't work

 

[c824767]

TL;DR
Tried to overdose, didn't work. Liver started failing, admitted to hospital, therapist said she can't see me anymore. Waking up was one of the worst feelings of my life.


God, it's been what? Nine or ten years since my last attempt up until now. I've been heavily suicidal since I was seven but I haven't attempted it in years because of reasons like my pets, debt that I don't want my family to get (despite their utter uninvolvement in my life), my apartment is messy, my life insurance doesn't cash out for suicide, etc. Basically I do well talking myself out of it despite wishing I was dead every single day. I don't necessarily want to kill myself, but I would be happy if I died. You know the feeling.

Two months ago I suddenly had a breakdown, no warning. I called the cops right before to let them know about my pets, didn't clean my apartment like I normally try to do during an episode. This time there was no preparation and no stopping me. I took a mixture of at least 50 Percocet/Vicodin (I had a few bottles still from a recent surgery) with a bunch of alcohol and anti-nausea pills so I wouldn't puke, left my phone so I couldn't be tracked, and hid in the dark of an empty park to wait. No goodbye, no thought-out note, just an "I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore." Quickly and almost illegibly written on my whiteboard.

That was like 8 pm and I woke up at almost 6. I woke up. At first I was disorientated and thought I was in the streets of some busy city having become addicted to hard drugs and this intense scenario. It felt like a dream but I was mostly awake, so a hallucination? It finally all came back to me and I was so devastated that it didn't work. I don't know if I was just dumb and Percocet and Vicodin overdoses just aren't lethal or if I really underestimated how much I should take, but compared to the absolutely assured comfort the night before that I'd never wake up again, I was in so much pain all over again. I cried while puking blood. I was still mostly disoriented but I vaguely remember barely being able to stand up, let alone walk but I made it back to my apartment building and someone took me to the ER.

I fucking hate hospitals and after I told my doctor what I did, he was an ass, coldly telling me how I now have no rights and I am involuntarily admitted and will be constantly supervised. At this point, I'm still incredibly out of it, can't stop crying, keep switching from falling asleep and puking more blood while they take care of my failing liver. The cops that came to take a statement were much warmer though. I was reminded of all these people later though because I had completely forgot.

I had to stay in the hospital for almost a week because of my failing liver and also because it was a suicide attempt. They didn't let someone bring my phone and didn't let me even have a book. They had to watch me pee and shit too. So dehumanizing. I'm a baby and just cried the whole time and wanted to die more. I think the system is fucked up, when someone is going through that you shouldn't isolate them further with no one they can go to for love and comfort and a patronizing hospital counselor who doesn't care about shit.

I had to stay longer than I would have because when they asked about therapy options for me, I told them I already had a therapist and gave them her information. She had been helping me through childhood trauma and was doing EMDR for my PTSD and depression. She knew about my suicidal ideation and how long it had been going on. When they called her to confirm I was a current patient, she let both of us know that she couldn't see me anymore because they don't have the resources. So they wouldn't release me when they would have. I still haven't found a new one.

I don't know why I'm writing this but only two people know because I needed help with the pets and getting home and whatnot. But for the first two or three weeks out, it was just continual panic attacks and crying and exhaustion. I still get depressed when I walk by the library with the park. And I'm still so disappointed it hurts. That I failed, that I had to be in the hospital, that I can't be happy. I hate not knowing what I did wrong and that I was reckless and wasted those pills for a traumatic experience. They were a source of comfort for me, an escape option. I was so close and everything I've wanted for decades but haven't had the guts to do, was almost there. The relief I felt as I was falling asleep was such a comfort. I was happy for a moment. Now I just have more depression, hospital bills, and no therapist.

Yes to all of the above. Waking up in hospital after my failed attempt was the worst thing especially after I felt SO GOOD when I was drifting away... My s/o called 911 on me when he came home unexpectedly early. OMG. I could be dead now !!!!!! Why do I deserve this aliveness which is torture.

 

[BlueWidow]

Yes to all of the above. Waking up in hospital after my failed attempt was the worst thing especially after I felt SO GOOD when I was drifting away... My s/o called 911 on me when he came home unexpectedly early. OMG. I could be dead now !!!!!! Why do I deserve this aliveness which is torture.

I'm so sorry you got "saved". I'm sure your s/o thought they were helping you.
I'm sending my support and love.

 

[c824767]

I'm so sorry you got "saved". I'm sure your s/o thought they were helping you.
I'm sending my support and love.

He knows now he did not help. At the time he was unsure, he did not want to be arrested for assisting...

 

[BlueWidow]

He knows now he did not help. At the time he was unsure, he did not want to be arrested for assisting...

Yeah, it's too bad the legal systems of this world puts people in that kind of a position.
They have to choose between being falsely accused of assisting and possibly going to jail, and doing something they might know is going to cause their loved one more suffering.

 

[Farmmaa]

This is seriously my biggest fear... failing and waking up.
Because, it's not like we're suicidal because we already feel like complete failures.
I can't imagine having to face my family

 

[c824767]

I am slowly introducing the subject of suicidal ideation to my circle of friends...

 

[LMLN]

This is seriously my biggest fear... failing and waking up.
Because, it's not like we're suicidal because we already feel like complete failures.
I can't imagine having to face my family

Its terrible! My family will never trust me again. :(

 

[c824767]

Its terrible! My family will never trust me again. :(

Yes they will. They are just rattled. They will be a little bit jumpy the first few times they leave you to yourself for a couple of hours, if they cannot get over it, they need therapy as much as you do. You could all go together.

 

[TowerUpright]

Your friends and family will eventually forgive but it takes a long time. Mine took a while, but they also wrote it off to college stress.