Story The Desperate Edge Of Now

[pain6batch9]

I first heard this term in a documentary and it stuck with me. It was originally coined by an American servicemen fighting in Germany towards the end of WW2. If refers to that feeling that the human grip on this life is so tenuous and can be ripped away at any moment. That the natural chaos of the world can punish us arbitrarily and that we, as individuals have no control over any of it. I understood the term to mean something quite profound for me when I was homeless.

I often feel like that. Last night when I decided to join this site, I wasn't sleeping. Simply, desperately trying to find something on the internet I know cannot be there. Some answer to my depression. Some connection. This is my duality because when I think about how my life has been, I've wanted to write that final chapter for some time. And yet, I'm driven on by sheer bloody-mindedness to try to improve this existence by degrees, slowly and chaotically. I feel like a traveller caught between two worlds. On the desperate edge of now.

Sorry if this seems cryptic. My first thread, be gentle.

 

[CatLvr]

I couldn't have said it better myself. I do feel caught between the pull of the quiet peace death would bring and the promises I have made here that need to be honored. I have likened it to being a ping-pong ball bouncing around a room. Never still, never happy, always moving away from what I want to what I need. Makes no sense but makes perfect sense to me.