Venting "The debate was wearing me out..."

[Aergia]

"The debate was wearing me out. Once you've posed that question, it won't go away. I think many people kill themselves simply to stop the debate about whether they will or they won't."
—Susanna Kaysen

Low-effort post, but anyone else relate?

I'm so tired. I just want to proclaim that yes, it's irrational to make the decision now because no, I'm not actually in an informed enough position to do so (by my own standards) (and that's largely my own fault)... and then I want to take the SN. It's easier to just figure that there's no objective reason I should stay alive so even the potential subjective reasons I feel there are (on better days) aren't sufficient for me to stay around (because it's not like I'm necessarily right in having those reasons).

 

[derpyderpins]

"The debate was wearing me out. Once you've posed that question, it won't go away. I think many people kill themselves simply to stop the debate about whether they will or they won't."
—Susanna Kaysen

Low-effort post, but anyone else relate?

I'm so tired. I just want to proclaim that yes, it's irrational to make the decision now because no, I'm not actually in an informed enough position to do so (by my own standards) (and that's at least partially my own fault)... and then I want to take the SN. It's easier to just figure that there's no objective reason I should stay alive so even the potential subjective reasons I feel there are (on better days) aren't sufficient for me to stay around (because it's not like I'm necessarily right to have those reasons).

I certainly have related. I always thought about my misery as a graph over time, where 0 is neither happy nor sad. Eventually, after years of only far negatives every hour, you eventually start to think "Jesus why don't I cut my losses already?" It can always get worse.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I don't have that kind of ambivalence but I sure am tired of being in able to summon the resolve e energy as things grow more urgent with each passing day and even as I feel.My residence bearing worn down. But I do agree that even if I were more orientated to life the call of death would never shut up.

 

[Vivir_O_No]

Fuck yeah. Amen to that shit lol.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Most debates of this site wear me out tbh. They always end with threads locked or nobody ever actually changing their mind. I guess that's the same with internal debates as well.

 

[Callie Arcale]

No, I cannot relate. I don't think people kill themselves if they don't feel like they've reached the end of the road, whatever that is.

The quote implies that people ctb because they are tired of going back and forth on the decision. That to me sounds bizarre because as long as you still debate the pros and cons, you still haven't reached either that deep despair or calm resolution that lead to suicide.

But maybe I missunderstand the quote :-)

 

[Aergia]

That to me sounds bizarre because as long as you still debate the pros and cons, you still haven't reached either that deep despair or calm resolution that lead to suicide.

But with the understanding that a calm resolution may never be reached in life (because the debate may continue forever) and the knowledge that death is guaranteed to stop the debate (which has become its own source of inner turmoil), one may be tempted to just do it.

 

[real human being]

No, I cannot relate. I don't think people kill themselves if they don't feel like they've reached the end of the road, whatever that is.

The quote implies that people ctb because they are tired of going back and forth on the decision. That to me sounds bizarre because as long as you still debate the pros and cons, you still haven't reached either that deep despair or calm resolution that lead to suicide.

But maybe I missunderstand the quote :-)

sometimes the pain is just too unbearable to wait to reach a resolution.

 

[Callie Arcale]

sometimes the pain is just too unbearable to wait to reach a resolution.

That's exactly what I mean. If the pain is too great, then that's the end of the road and the decision is made.

But with the understanding that a calm resolution may never be reached in life (because the debate may continue forever) and the knowledge that death is guaranteed to stop the debate (which has become its own source of inner turmoil), one may be tempted to just do it.

Yes, so you ctb because the debate - "the source of turmoil" - inside your head is unbearable. Meaning there are more reasons to ctb, than not. Ergo the pros win.

It's the same as saying: my chronic pain is in unbearable, I ctb.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

That's exactly what I mean. If the pain is too great, then that's the end of the road and the decision is made.

Yes, so you ctb because the debate - "the source of turmoil" - inside your head is unbearable. Meaning there are more reasons to ctb, than not. Ergo the pros win.

It's the same as saying: my chronic pain is in unbearable, I ctb.

Well yeah, killing yourself ends the interminable internal debate.