Venting the date is set, at least for now.

[krxbs]

i think i'm giving myself until march to make something happen. i've driven away some of my toxic friends, which is nice, but i've also lost my support group and the willingness to find another. the same thing will happen anyway.
this mental illness is killing me too. it's so hard to manage mental health issues by myself without any family or friends to rely on. everything is piling up and falling apart and i don't have the resources, executive function or willpower to turn this shitty life into something workable. i wish i was a better person, and i wish i was less fragile. i have nobody to blame but myself; i just need to stop depending on people.

regardless, i'll be ordering the SN soon. probably gonna wash it down with some vodka or whiskey, and if i can get my hands on some decent antiemetics then i'll add those to the mix. i could've handled a hostile environment with a normal brain, or a loving environment with a broken brain, but dealing with a shitty life while my brain is trying to kill me anyway is just too much. i really wish i could've had a normal life. i hope maybe having the ability to CTB at any time will make things hurt less and give me the strength to push on. it's already a real relief knowing where i'll get everything from.
thanks for reading my disjointed, rambly rant. i feel less suicidal just having written everything down in a more controlled way than i did in my personal notes. i hope everyone is doing okay.

 

[CTB Dream]

Vry sorry hope peace real understand how brain broke awful envirmnt combo no able do, feel same no good brain no good envi

 

[krxbs]

Vry sorry hope peace real understand how brain broke awful envirmnt combo no able do, feel same no good brain no good envi

you seem very kind, i'm sorry to hear you feel the same way. :( we all deserve better than this. i hope you find peace too, it's cruel that these things have to happen to us.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you would feel so relieved at knowing that you will have a way out of this life, it does sound really tiring what you have been through and it's just so unfair how all this suffering exists here. But anyway I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Unending]

I'm hoping to order my sn soon as well. Not for immediate use but just to have in case it gets banned or in case I have an emergency circumstance where I need to ctb. Otherwise, it's just going to be a rope which is far less appealing so I'll be happy when I finally have it secured.

Anyway, I feel your pain and am sorry that you've had a rough go at things. It can be pretty overwhelmingly difficult to cut out a whole friend group even if they are toxic. Years ago I had to do it to my old addict/alcoholic in and out of jail type of friend group and the isolation was still pretty hard to cope with for a while since I wasn't too social with those who I hadn't known for years.

But yeah, just wanted to say I know that can be really hard whether the friends are good or not.

 

[Kurushii]

I'm sorry you lost your support group after driving away the toxic friends. I went to my friends for support but I was always too much for them and they all eventually cut me out of their life and I ended up with nobody. Even with my partner I can't tell him completely about my feelings without him feeling awful and depressed. I wish I didn't have to depend on anyone, but because of life circumstances I'm forced to and I hate it.

I'm sorry you couldn't live a normal life. I feel that most of the time that's all we what. Normal. I'm glad that venting made you feel better, if only a little. It helps me too, especially when others can see it. I hope you're doing ok too.

 

[krxbs]

thanks for the kind words, everyone. i'll be wishing for better days for all of us. take care.