The cycle has to end

[Exact Change]

Loneliness, alcohol, search for comfort, then guilt and shame. Then repeat, over and over again. I'm lost, sick, and hopeless. I want it all to end. Now tonight I have to go to a wedding and watch families with such perfect lives and paint a smile on my face while I'm dying inside. It's 8:30 in the morning and I'm listening to Springsteen songs sipping on vodka, to release some emotion that is stuck in my gut because all I do each day is swallow my emotion. But, now it seems I can't let it out without something to help purge it. Is that how it feels for people who self-harm? Because I kindof have the urge

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable just wishing to be free from this endless cycle of suffering, existence really is so cruel, and nobody knows if those people who supposedly have "perfect" lives are as content as they seem, a lot of people pretend and as a result hide how much they truly suffer, I doubt that anyone is truly satisfied with existing.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Loneliness, alcohol, search for comfort, then guilt and shame. Then repeat, over and over again. I'm lost, sick, and hopeless. I want it all to end. Now tonight I have to go to a wedding and watch families with such perfect lives and paint a smile on my face while I'm dying inside. It's 8:30 in the morning and I'm listening to Springsteen songs sipping on vodka, to release some emotion that is stuck in my gut because all I do each day is swallow my emotion. But, now it seems I can't let it out without something to help purge it. Is that how it feels for people who self-harm? Because I kindof have the urge

Hello @Exact Change,
I've hated happy people, too.
On them, I even wanted to take revenge,
I wanted to erase them from my view.

Even though everybody seems to have a heart of ice
and not have a clue,
Please know that here you have a voice.
Somebody hears you.

I'm so sorry that you are in very dark place. I think I once was in similar position.

I no longer self-harm but when I did I felt it's not my fault, I'm mentally ill, I deserve people's care and I could pat myself on the back. But when I'm not bleeding I thought I'm just a lazy loser who doesn't deserve any respect. It was excruciating.

Sorry to be clueless but I wish something or somebody gave you way out

 

[DesperateOne]

Loneliness, alcohol, search for comfort, then guilt and shame. Then repeat, over and over again. I'm lost, sick, and hopeless. I want it all to end. Now tonight I have to go to a wedding and watch families with such perfect lives and paint a smile on my face while I'm dying inside. It's 8:30 in the morning and I'm listening to Springsteen songs sipping on vodka, to release some emotion that is stuck in my gut because all I do each day is swallow my emotion. But, now it seems I can't let it out without something to help purge it. Is that how it feels for people who self-harm? Because I kindof have the urge

I had this cycle as well. Life only feels good and worth living when high or drunk. I wish those 1-2 hours of alcohol intoxication could last my entire life...

 

[imbroken]

I cut myself because I need to feel the pain. I hate myself. It gives me a little control. Pride in doing something most people can't. I havent cut in a few days. Definitely time. Sitting under the bridge that ill hang myself under tonight.