In short, my life has been a series of disappointments, embarrassments and failure. I will elaborate further below for those interested in knowing my "story," but this first paragraph or so will be the summary. If you decide to read all, I really appreciate it as this ties into one of my problems, which is that American people are so apathetic and numb to everything. Nowadays, when you try and talk to people, you get a weird reaction. Whenever I have a conversation with someone, they never really respond to anything directly or ask me questions, and their attention span and comprehension is very poor. I could say something three times and they still ask the very thing I've said. And reaching out to anyone online never elicits a response. You put yourself out there and it's just nothing. On that note, I've noticed that people generally respond to negativity way faster. For instance, you can send an email saying all the beautiful things to someone you want or maybe need to connect with and it will be ignored. Just nothing. But as soon as you hit them with something remotely negative or expressing the slightest disappointment, suddenly they're not busy anymore and seem to enjoy flipping the tables on you a bit too much. "I was busy jerk, you're not entitled to anything..." blah blah blah. It's the same every time. No one is true to their word either.
I've started to come to this realization the past few years. It's like nobody reacts to anything anymore. You could tell them something extraordinary and they would give some weak reaction like "really?" My family is like this. They just have this weird glaze, especially my boomer father who is just embarrassing. He was in the Army but he was a deadbeat dickhead whose only hobby was watching TV. He never showed me how to do anything and always gave generic, unusable advice as he would drone on for hours, sometimes through the night as if making up for lost time. He would have my three brothers and I lined up, standing the entire time, sometimes for four hours and then he would slap us all in a row, even when I was four years old. My hang up isn't that I got my ass kicked growing up though, I think it made me strong. What really weakened me was my dipshit parents. My mother is just an emotionalist and an unstable, histrionic weirdo. She was a stay at home mom, but she didn't do her job very well. Whenever I would wait on her to pick me up from school, she would keep me waiting until 5PM and the lights turned off and we lived less than 10 miles away. She was just sitting at home surfing the internet, befriending random people to solve all their problems in order to feed her savior complex.
My mom's side of the family has a bizarre, phony altruistic quality in which they are fascinated by screwed up people, dysfunction, etc. They just sit aroound swapping the saddest or most disturbing things they've heard about. And they prefer movies of this nature. Think misery porn movies like Dolores Claiborne and What's Eating Gilbert Grape. So they focus on all the rejects and freaks, shedding crocodile tears for people they don't even know while they just ignore their real family's problems. Everyone in my family treats me like a dog, especially the women. It really does feel that way. Growing up in a military "family," I was moved around a lot. Never had any stability, a hometown, nothing. I'm from nowhere. I never even had basic things most take for granted even though we weren't poor. I was just denied these things because my parents are neglectful dipshits. When we had to move to Hawaii, our dad didn't have a single clue about a plan before we got there. He thought we could just wing it and find a house in a week or something. Ended up staying in hotel for months, riding around with him going into different housing offices to find out -- "whoops, housing is scarce in Honolulu". So we ended up in some trailer on an Army base that was barely enough room for a couple people (there was six of us.) The schools were just alienating and offered poor education. Our dad just let the family fall apart because he didn't care. So I left with my mom because we had our old house. But she's a psycho and I could only tolerate it for about a year and a half before going back. I thought maybe it'd be better the second time because it was just me he had to take care of. Nope. He was roommates with another officer and I had to sleep on a bunk above my dad in a closet-sized bedroom. My brother came out shortly thereafter and was on the guy's couch so we had to leave.
We got a place of our own but he wouldn't buy a single piece of furniture. We just slept on air mattresses that would be deflated by the morning, and would go to school and football practice with sore necks and backs. That was another thing, this dumbass I'm ashamed to be related to only cared about us playing football. It was a six day committment that I didn't even care about and it prevented me from really exploring Hawaii. Since the military is a small world, I ended up reconnecting with an old classmate who had moved there also before I went out the second time. We talked a lot in the weeks leading up to my second move, but when I got there she ghosted me. I will never understand why I hit such a severe stroke of bad luck with women, but let me tell you, this one HURT. I cannot describe how low it makes a guy feel to be treated that way. Just the thought of a girl not caring about you at all, happily going on with their life is such a cold thing when you don't understand why. I enjoyed some popularity at my high school there because I was tall and good-looking, but it was just superficial.
From before I even started school to 5th grade, I was always very popular with other kids. But for some reason, as soon as I entered middle school/6th grade, right when we all start getting hormonal and more interested in sex, I dropped out of popularity and went into a strange depression. In hindsight, it almost felt like I was suddenly neuro-divergent, as they say. I'm not, but that's how bad it was. I just suddenly lost a feeling of connection to other people and this affected my interactions with girls, and my confidence took a blow. Through the rest of middle school and into high school, I guess I had a bit of social anxiety after some bad experiences. It was like I couldn't even think of what to say in the presence of a girl. I have such a deep attraction and love for women but I struggle to show it. I'm pushing 30 now and have been with women, but none that I was very attracted to, like the kind that give me cotton mouth. I don't know what my problem is.
The way this relates to the current state of the U.S. is that there is simply nowhere to meet not only women, but people in general. What are you supposed to do -- approach women at grocery stores? We don't have any authentic villages or markets here like they do over in Europe. There's no social scene, no cruising, just nothing. People remain confined to their homes and when they go out, it's usually with people they know. There's nowhere to just mingle and get into some trouble. I mean, I'd like to have some fun while I'm still kind of young (I'm 28) because I've never had those experiences. I'm not even exaggerating: all I've ever wanted my entire life was to have one of those experiences where you go out, there's parties going on, something going down, meet a hot girl who likes me and have a summer fling or something. I just want that so bad but I've never been anywhere it's possible. Just the same boring, shitty ass gas station wal-mart towns. And the frightening thing is, the majority of the US is more or less the same now.
I recently saw American Graffiti at a drive-in and it was an amazing experience, but it also made me so sad because it is a perfect representation of the exact thing I'm talking about here. It's just never gonna happen. Those times are never coming back. As for me, I'm just unhireable. I have a four year degree, but it doesn't help me get any jobs. I have experience too in a variety of different fields too. I put myself out there, I say "here I am, I'm willing to work like the stupid boomers say I'm not" and just.... nothing. No response from any employer. I had a job lined up and I was so excited to finally tell my parents so they would know I have something going on and won't have to ask for help anymore, and then there's a delay where I have to wait several months with no guarantee to start. So I'm desperate and try driving for uber but the app is just awful and unusable. I don't get any ride requests, can't see anything. Running out of money and all my family cannot stand to have me around.
Everything I attempt to support myself just does not work. Since I'm having a problem with uber, I attempted "runner." It tells me the last step is to get a runner card at a participating store's curbside pickup. I go there and this dumb bitch tells me I can't be there and that I go to the front to get a card. She seems completely lucid and like she knows what she's talking about. I go all the way through this massive store. Cashier doesn't know what I'm talking about, neither does the manager. Or the other manager. I go back to the curbside losers with a manager this time and some other bitch says "oh you need a runner card?" and pulls open a drawer and I go "that lady over there told me you guys don't handle this and to go inside" and she tells me to calm down because she's "special needs." OK so she's competent enough to work there but if she messes up the special needs excuse is supposed to protect anyone from being pissed about the problems she's causing. After this she says "oh, looks like we're out of cards." And then that's it. Nothing. I'd have to wait a week to get one by mail but I'm already so behind that I'd need to do this kind of work 24/7 to have any chance of paying my bills. I have nothing going on, nothing for show for anything and everything I try goes more or less the way I described.
I'm just blocked at every turn from doing anything. I'm a very thoughtful and deep person who just wants to live a peaceful life with a woman who is beautiful inside and out, but it seems like reality just will not allow me to have these things. And these agendas are really affecting me. I've inquired about anything I can think of like flight school or law school -- you name it. The flight school said scholarships are only for minorities. Every job I get is dominated by these SJW women (bitches) and there's too many foreigners. Whenever I see a girl I really like in public, the situation never allows for me to do anything because it's in passing or maybe they're at the end of the checkout line as I'm coming in so if I persist it turns into stalking. Men just cannot do anything in this country. It's just a cold, corporatized wasteland only for rich people to enjoy. The rich don't just have money -- they have their networks, and fraternities, and brotherhoods and alumni, etc. There's nothing for the regular person here. The quality of all our products is total shit compared to even just 10 years ago. At least in Taxi Driver, Travis could afford his living. I can't even do that and I'm completely out of options. I am very good-looking and tall and everyone tells me I look 18 but it doesn't matter because I can't find any venue or arena to show myself, to give my thoughts, to put myself out there. Even if I found something, I would still require significant financial assistance just to be relocated. And everything takes so much time. I'm running out of money and have no one to stay with. This world will just not allow me success, joy or even just peace. Despite all this, my desire for a woman just KILLS me. For some of you who might have had good experiences, it doesn't hurt as much. But for me, I'm still trying to experience it for the first time.
I'm finished.
I've started to come to this realization the past few years. It's like nobody reacts to anything anymore. You could tell them something extraordinary and they would give some weak reaction like "really?" My family is like this. They just have this weird glaze, especially my boomer father who is just embarrassing. He was in the Army but he was a deadbeat dickhead whose only hobby was watching TV. He never showed me how to do anything and always gave generic, unusable advice as he would drone on for hours, sometimes through the night as if making up for lost time. He would have my three brothers and I lined up, standing the entire time, sometimes for four hours and then he would slap us all in a row, even when I was four years old. My hang up isn't that I got my ass kicked growing up though, I think it made me strong. What really weakened me was my dipshit parents. My mother is just an emotionalist and an unstable, histrionic weirdo. She was a stay at home mom, but she didn't do her job very well. Whenever I would wait on her to pick me up from school, she would keep me waiting until 5PM and the lights turned off and we lived less than 10 miles away. She was just sitting at home surfing the internet, befriending random people to solve all their problems in order to feed her savior complex.
My mom's side of the family has a bizarre, phony altruistic quality in which they are fascinated by screwed up people, dysfunction, etc. They just sit aroound swapping the saddest or most disturbing things they've heard about. And they prefer movies of this nature. Think misery porn movies like Dolores Claiborne and What's Eating Gilbert Grape. So they focus on all the rejects and freaks, shedding crocodile tears for people they don't even know while they just ignore their real family's problems. Everyone in my family treats me like a dog, especially the women. It really does feel that way. Growing up in a military "family," I was moved around a lot. Never had any stability, a hometown, nothing. I'm from nowhere. I never even had basic things most take for granted even though we weren't poor. I was just denied these things because my parents are neglectful dipshits. When we had to move to Hawaii, our dad didn't have a single clue about a plan before we got there. He thought we could just wing it and find a house in a week or something. Ended up staying in hotel for months, riding around with him going into different housing offices to find out -- "whoops, housing is scarce in Honolulu". So we ended up in some trailer on an Army base that was barely enough room for a couple people (there was six of us.) The schools were just alienating and offered poor education. Our dad just let the family fall apart because he didn't care. So I left with my mom because we had our old house. But she's a psycho and I could only tolerate it for about a year and a half before going back. I thought maybe it'd be better the second time because it was just me he had to take care of. Nope. He was roommates with another officer and I had to sleep on a bunk above my dad in a closet-sized bedroom. My brother came out shortly thereafter and was on the guy's couch so we had to leave.
We got a place of our own but he wouldn't buy a single piece of furniture. We just slept on air mattresses that would be deflated by the morning, and would go to school and football practice with sore necks and backs. That was another thing, this dumbass I'm ashamed to be related to only cared about us playing football. It was a six day committment that I didn't even care about and it prevented me from really exploring Hawaii. Since the military is a small world, I ended up reconnecting with an old classmate who had moved there also before I went out the second time. We talked a lot in the weeks leading up to my second move, but when I got there she ghosted me. I will never understand why I hit such a severe stroke of bad luck with women, but let me tell you, this one HURT. I cannot describe how low it makes a guy feel to be treated that way. Just the thought of a girl not caring about you at all, happily going on with their life is such a cold thing when you don't understand why. I enjoyed some popularity at my high school there because I was tall and good-looking, but it was just superficial.
From before I even started school to 5th grade, I was always very popular with other kids. But for some reason, as soon as I entered middle school/6th grade, right when we all start getting hormonal and more interested in sex, I dropped out of popularity and went into a strange depression. In hindsight, it almost felt like I was suddenly neuro-divergent, as they say. I'm not, but that's how bad it was. I just suddenly lost a feeling of connection to other people and this affected my interactions with girls, and my confidence took a blow. Through the rest of middle school and into high school, I guess I had a bit of social anxiety after some bad experiences. It was like I couldn't even think of what to say in the presence of a girl. I have such a deep attraction and love for women but I struggle to show it. I'm pushing 30 now and have been with women, but none that I was very attracted to, like the kind that give me cotton mouth. I don't know what my problem is.
The way this relates to the current state of the U.S. is that there is simply nowhere to meet not only women, but people in general. What are you supposed to do -- approach women at grocery stores? We don't have any authentic villages or markets here like they do over in Europe. There's no social scene, no cruising, just nothing. People remain confined to their homes and when they go out, it's usually with people they know. There's nowhere to just mingle and get into some trouble. I mean, I'd like to have some fun while I'm still kind of young (I'm 28) because I've never had those experiences. I'm not even exaggerating: all I've ever wanted my entire life was to have one of those experiences where you go out, there's parties going on, something going down, meet a hot girl who likes me and have a summer fling or something. I just want that so bad but I've never been anywhere it's possible. Just the same boring, shitty ass gas station wal-mart towns. And the frightening thing is, the majority of the US is more or less the same now.
I recently saw American Graffiti at a drive-in and it was an amazing experience, but it also made me so sad because it is a perfect representation of the exact thing I'm talking about here. It's just never gonna happen. Those times are never coming back. As for me, I'm just unhireable. I have a four year degree, but it doesn't help me get any jobs. I have experience too in a variety of different fields too. I put myself out there, I say "here I am, I'm willing to work like the stupid boomers say I'm not" and just.... nothing. No response from any employer. I had a job lined up and I was so excited to finally tell my parents so they would know I have something going on and won't have to ask for help anymore, and then there's a delay where I have to wait several months with no guarantee to start. So I'm desperate and try driving for uber but the app is just awful and unusable. I don't get any ride requests, can't see anything. Running out of money and all my family cannot stand to have me around.
Everything I attempt to support myself just does not work. Since I'm having a problem with uber, I attempted "runner." It tells me the last step is to get a runner card at a participating store's curbside pickup. I go there and this dumb bitch tells me I can't be there and that I go to the front to get a card. She seems completely lucid and like she knows what she's talking about. I go all the way through this massive store. Cashier doesn't know what I'm talking about, neither does the manager. Or the other manager. I go back to the curbside losers with a manager this time and some other bitch says "oh you need a runner card?" and pulls open a drawer and I go "that lady over there told me you guys don't handle this and to go inside" and she tells me to calm down because she's "special needs." OK so she's competent enough to work there but if she messes up the special needs excuse is supposed to protect anyone from being pissed about the problems she's causing. After this she says "oh, looks like we're out of cards." And then that's it. Nothing. I'd have to wait a week to get one by mail but I'm already so behind that I'd need to do this kind of work 24/7 to have any chance of paying my bills. I have nothing going on, nothing for show for anything and everything I try goes more or less the way I described.
I'm just blocked at every turn from doing anything. I'm a very thoughtful and deep person who just wants to live a peaceful life with a woman who is beautiful inside and out, but it seems like reality just will not allow me to have these things. And these agendas are really affecting me. I've inquired about anything I can think of like flight school or law school -- you name it. The flight school said scholarships are only for minorities. Every job I get is dominated by these SJW women (bitches) and there's too many foreigners. Whenever I see a girl I really like in public, the situation never allows for me to do anything because it's in passing or maybe they're at the end of the checkout line as I'm coming in so if I persist it turns into stalking. Men just cannot do anything in this country. It's just a cold, corporatized wasteland only for rich people to enjoy. The rich don't just have money -- they have their networks, and fraternities, and brotherhoods and alumni, etc. There's nothing for the regular person here. The quality of all our products is total shit compared to even just 10 years ago. At least in Taxi Driver, Travis could afford his living. I can't even do that and I'm completely out of options. I am very good-looking and tall and everyone tells me I look 18 but it doesn't matter because I can't find any venue or arena to show myself, to give my thoughts, to put myself out there. Even if I found something, I would still require significant financial assistance just to be relocated. And everything takes so much time. I'm running out of money and have no one to stay with. This world will just not allow me success, joy or even just peace. Despite all this, my desire for a woman just KILLS me. For some of you who might have had good experiences, it doesn't hurt as much. But for me, I'm still trying to experience it for the first time.
I'm finished.
