The concept of family

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I have never understood why you are meant to show allegiance to blood relatives, even when those people couldn't care less about you. Others often talk about finding your tribe and building your own family, but I don't always think this is possible and is likely the exception rather than the rule for someone with no connections.

Unconditional love is extremely rare. I'm very jealous of people who have family support systems, or friends who effectively function as a family. It is hard to find relationships in this world that are not transactional and built off how much entertainment/utility that you can provide someone.

In regards to socialisation and lacking family/friends, my entire life has felt like being a beggar outside of a Michelin star restaurant, munching on crumbs while people in the window are feasting on exquisite cuisine. No one wants to invite you into the restaurant, into their family.

Building your own family sounds great in theory, who wouldn't rather be around people who actually share interests, belief systems, and life experiences with you? However, this is incredibly difficult when you don't have something to bring to the table, or boundless energy to go out and do activities, hoping someone will be more than an acquaintance.

I've met many people, in real life, who despise their parents/families or find them annoying, but I would kill to have their parents. One of my housemates for example, really can't stand his mother because she is always asking him if he wants tea, if he wants help with something, or to chat about gardening.

When I saw the way he coldly speaks to her at times when she's perceived as annoying, it shocked me because I would do anything to have a mother who loved me like that. I believe many people take their parents or families for granted and don't realize there are people who don't have anyone in this world. I would do anything to have people who loved me unconditionally. But what drives people to love unconditionally?

I have noticed that some individuals, especially edgy redditor types, firmly believe that others should have less so that their biological family could prosper and come out on top. NIMBY sort of attitude.

Even though we are no longer living in a world rife with carnivorous predators, and for the most part, no crazy natural disasters or constant threat from nature, a lot of people display animalistic instincts when it comes towards those who share DNA, even though there is rarely any need to fight over food or shelter.

Looking back at my childhood, I noticed that other people's families would only be nice to me to a certain degree. They would always prefer their biological relative no matter what, even if the child was throwing a temper tantrum or stomping around. At the end of the day, you're still a stranger to them.

I remember one time my aunt had one of her extreme volatile episodes and got sent to the psych ward again, I was around 12 years old I think, and I had to stay with one of her best friends for a couple of days. I begged this woman to please let me stay there, that I didn't want to go back to my aunt and her parents abusing me everyday. She just stared at me and said something along the lines of they're your family, they love you, you belong there, not here.

No matter how much I'd tell people about the abuse, they seemed to always think that my relatives should have ownership of me no matter what and by default they loved me, because that's what your blood kin is meant to do. Every single person where I grew up is a very strict, traditional, religious, conservative and believes that you have familial piety. Those who don't believe this become outcast and leave.

Having to endure verbal abuse daily for years as a child, threats of being kicked out and my things thrown outside (which happened a couple of times), sometimes physical violence like a chair being thrown at my bedroom and busting a hole through my door, toys thrown at my head, watching family members fight, throwing and busting glass, having to see suicide attempts, neglect, being told I was going to burn in hell, blackmailing me about liking women, does a number on a young child's mine. I also grew up being beaten and lashed with a stick, belts, etc because the church said it's a great punishment.

My family continually tore down my self esteem by insinuating that I was ugly and weird constantly, they were ashamed of me no matter how many times they'd pontificate that they loved me so much. My dad's mother bought loads of tight clothing and demanded I wear it to be prettier, said I needed makeup, and begged me many times to play sports so that I could be normal please.

They took photos of me wearing masculine clothing or cosplay and shown them to people, giggling about how weird and queer it was. These are the same people who blocked my autism diagnosis appointment as a toddler and prevented me from getting help, because they had such a deep shame and disdain for autistic people. Yet, they wanted to conceal that I was odd. Now I have to live with the reality of a speech impediment and autistic traits, due to the fact that my family loved the idea of me, more than the real me.

Because she was psychotic and her husband did nothing but enable her, my dad's mother was convinced that everyone had a satanic vendatta against her. She demanded that I hug her and let her kiss all over my face and lips. I was never comfortable with this and I always begged my other relatives to stop it from happening. They always told me, even as a little child, that I was cruel and should give into her wishes or else I didn't love her.

Even though I know they were just dumb and didn't mean to be skeevy, my aunt and my dad's mother would come into the bathroom while I was naked or dressing as a young teenager, and make comments about my body. They loved telling people that I had, "massive, huge tits." I hated them for this. Once while I was bathing, my aunt swung open the door and cackled, "When's the sex change?" They knew I was recovering from my classmate molesting me and had no dignity whatsoever about my sexual abuse.

Of course, when I had enough of their abuse, they told everyone they loved me so much and I was cruel because I wouldn't talk to them. They posted pages of rants about how I'm a no good liar on social media for people to lap up.

When my aunt died, my father's parents disowned me. I cannot even go in the one shop in the place I was born because people truly think I'm a monster for not wanting to be around "my loving family." Oh, and when I tried to give them another chance, they just threw a fit about how me mourning my grandfather is horrible because he "didn't do as much as they did for me."

So not only do I have no parents, and a lot of my family is dead or disappeared into their own world, but I got disowned by abusers who ensured that I would never make another connection in their area because it's so small. Even when I left my foster family, it was the same deal of people gossiping like mad about me, a child, because they had nothing better to do.

My stint in a foster home was not mandated by government (though my Foster parents were employed in the legal and social care system). My family willingly signed me over to them, and there was no messy legal/judicial battle involved. Because of that, I do not get any sort of acknowledgement from any government that I was in the system, and have always been exempt from any programs or help for children who had aged out of care, runaway, etc.

There are two distinct sentences that I will never forget hearing when I was in their care. Once, my foster mother was scolding my sister, her biological daughter, because my sister kept letting me get bullied at school and would be very jealous of me when her parents showed me any love or attention. She said, "KuriGohan has nobody. She's all alone, remember that."

When I left them, because I couldn't stand arguing with my sister and the fact that my parents had let multiple pet cats just suffer terribly and die in our house, seemed to be abusing the money they were given, and didn't feed me enough, another sister made it known to me that, "You aren't really our sibling. You never will be. You aren't blood."

That stuck with me. You don't matter, because you don't share our DNA. It's hard for me to accept that most concept of family is animal instinct, or any love for me stemmed from seeing me as a doll in my father's image after he died, rather than a living human being. I don't think I will ever know the feeling of unconditional love.

Adult romantic relationships have been even more stressful, and it's been made clear to me that if the sexual or romantic aspect was ever gone, that I wouldn't be cared for anymore. Love is contingent on transactional exchanges, in many cases, but not always. I am entitled to nothing, yet family is entitled to everything, it seems.

It is interesting to note that you can see the sentiment a lot in UK news articles and comments section, that people hate having to pay taxes to help a "stranger's kids". There seems to be a huge culture of selfishness where only your biological family matters, and helping others is deplorable if it may take away from your chance of owning a second home and becoming a landlord, or you suddenly have to share public spaces with someone you don't fancy (when these people never reach out to the strangers, they just scoff at them from afar.)

What do you think about the concept of family? Does not having anyone, or living with scars of abuse, while being surrounded by others who have plenty and have no desire for you to ever be part of their tribe, contribute to your suicidal ideation?

 

[whatevs]

What is unconditional love? Can love be unconditional? It seems to be the kind of skill only some kind of highly accomplished spiritual pursuer can achieve. For everyone else, you 'like/love/support' someone or something 'as long as...'. There is no 'I will want this no matter what' for normal people but 'I like this for these reasons and if they go away I will stop wanting it'.

You might be thinking of these people that stick with their deformed or crippled spouses? That's conditional too, simply the conditions that make love possible are still met, or they have a personality that makes abandonment impossible (they are 'very good', 'noble' etc).

Yes, instinctual love (family) is one of the closest things to 'unconditional love' normal people display, and it seems to be something deep and animalistic. There's probably a lighter version of this going on with racism, understanding ethnicity as an extended family.

 

[Water-Lily]

I skimmed through most of your story, but my heart sank. I can relate to a lot of the abuse you wrote about and from what you suffered. I feel the more people open up about their stories of abuse, many more can feel less alone. What you have described is so very common. The gaslighting, the lack of privacy, inappropriate comments on my body and entitlement, touching, staring, verbal abuse, gaslighting, invalidation, and being told "go back home your mom loves you. Stop complaining. get over it".

The sad reality is that many people see children as property. Many people, when they see a child being abused, do not want to take responsibility or admit to themselves that someone could be so heartless. And so to protect themselves and their own sanity the gaslight the victim and insist everything is ok so they can go to bed at night. Its sick and leaves many children suffering for years. And then when that child is an adult they are expected to "forgive" and "get over it". The way society treats abused children is horrific and I feel for your pain.

I always found the concept of a "chosen family" weird. I don't know how I can go out and find another mom to parent me or another family. Though I do believe in creating relationships, finding a family per say isn't cut and dry. Probably the most one can do is one day fall in love, get married and create their own family. Or make friends that become like family. Though making friends, especially when coming from trauma and illness, is challenging

You are not alone and I feel you in every way. Child abuse and trauma sucks and you deserved so much better than the monsters who raised you. Family is not restricted to blood. Imo, family should be those who love and respect you unconditionally. The idea of "family" being blood is unhealthy. Biologically yes they are your family. But their actions do not show familial love.

I often wish I had a better family. I wish I had more love in my life and care. My main abuser (mom) is dead. Though that isn't to say my life is magically better. Healing and therapy is hard and processing is a bitch. I do what I can (today I am sick so resting) and got off the phone with my grandmother. She is the mother of my mom who abused me. And though I hold resentment to her for not doing enough to protect me, I still love how she checks up on me and loves to spend time with me. My father who I have a lot of resentment towards for being an enabler and abusive also shows moments where he cares. I told him I feel like a financial burden to him and he told me I wasn't, and that he wants to work to keep me and my brother ok. He is still toxic at times, but I like those small moments

I dont know what life has in store for me. I do have friends who care and they have healthier families and lives. A part of me might always be jealous for having such a shit family and that will be a grieving process. I do what I can, and that's all anyone can do.

 

[archipelago]

I'm really sorry that you've had to deal with all sorts of abuse. It's cruel and unfair, and you deserve so much better than that.

It's interesting timing for me, seeing this post. I have several chronic illnesses and despite me being well into adulthood have had to move back in with family. It's been too difficult to work without aggravating my health. I'm angry because I knew I used to have a bright future until I was diagnosed with a neurological disorder.

I have one parent who I love very much, and the other I don't like as a person at all. They use their own mental health struggles and culture as an excuse to be abusive and narcissistic. The unfortunate thing is that the good parent will often excuse the behaviour of the shitty parent. Everyone likes the shitty parent from the outside, praising them for being nice or whatever but that person has said and done really awful things behind others' backs. They're a massive hypocrite and I realized that they will never change.

I feel incredibly suffocated right now. I'm forced in some capacity to follow their religion when it is not my own, but outing myself could be risky. At the very least, I know I would be constantly harassed about it. It really does make me question the nature of unconditional love, but I think the good parent is an exception here. I even came out to them as bisexual and they were accepting of that.

I'm likely to ctb soon. I used to feel guilty but why should I be knowing that if I stay, I will have to live a life of other peoples' values being imposed onto me? Everything comes with strings attached. It's why I outright refuse gifts for holidays from them. I'm not fucking selling my soul or betraying who I am to accept gifts.

I've spent more than a decade trying to undo the damage the shitty parent caused. They were my first bully. They accused me of caring so much of what other people think, but I recognize it was projection. Now, they're almost elderly and still care too damn much which is honestly pathetic, while I've learned to free myself from it. I feel liberated. (Edit: liberated in terms of how I view myself)

I've realized how much happier I am when I have minimal contact with people who are damaging. I feel like I finally learned to love myself, and I'm so proud of myself for it.

I think that the idea of choosing your own family (ie friends) applies mostly to people who have similar abuse backgrounds. They tend to get it.

 

[Water-Lily]

I'm really sorry that you've had to deal with all sorts of abuse. It's cruel and unfair, and you deserve so much better than that.

It's interesting timing for me, seeing this post. I have several chronic illnesses and despite me being well into adulthood have had to move back in with family. It's been too difficult to work without aggravating my health. I'm angry because I knew I used to have a bright future until I was diagnosed with a neurological disorder.

I have one parent who I love very much, and the other I don't like as a person at all. They use their own mental health struggles and culture as an excuse to be abusive and narcissistic. The unfortunate thing is that the good parent will often excuse the behaviour of the shitty parent. Everyone likes the shitty parent from the outside, praising them for being nice or whatever but that person has said and done really awful things behind others' backs. They're a massive hypocrite and I realized that they will never change.

I feel incredibly suffocated right now. I'm forced in some capacity to follow their religion when it is not my own, but outing myself could be risky. At the very least, I know I would be constantly harassed about it. It really does make me question the nature of unconditional love, but I think the good parent is an exception here. I even came out to them as bisexual and they were accepting of that.

I'm likely to ctb soon. I used to feel guilty but why should I be knowing that if I stay, I will have to live a life of other peoples' values being imposed onto me? Everything comes with strings attached. It's why I outright refuse gifts for holidays from them. I'm not fucking selling my soul or betraying who I am to accept gifts.

I've spent more than a decade trying to undo the damage the shitty parent caused. They were my first bully. They accused me of caring so much of what other people think, but I recognize it was projection. Now, they're almost elderly and still care too damn much which is honestly pathetic, while I've learned to free myself from it. I feel liberated.

I've realized how much happier I am when I have minimal contact with people who are damaging. I feel like I finally learned to love myself, and I'm so proud of myself for it.

I think that the idea of choosing your own family (ie friends) applies mostly to people who have similar abuse backgrounds. They tend to get it.

The part where yo used you are happier and have learned to love yourself. That is truly inspiring and I hope to get to a similar place. With that in mind, do you feel being able to live having come to such a place? Is the desire for CTB still strong?

And I feel that about the "good" parent. Imo, the good parent isn't really "good". The "good" parent who enables and doesn't protect the victim is an enabler and is bad in a way that is more insidious. I had to realize that with my own father and it's very painful.

I also relate to the narc parent being loved. Mostly since people love their fake side. But even when you tell them about how they hurt you, they still take their side. Showing you that those who stand by the narc are toxic as well. It can sometimes feel like you're surrounded by a whole community of enables and abusers.

 

[Achlys]

Sorry to hear you've been subjected to such abuse. I think the concept of "unconditional love" is inherently flawed to begin with.

Should a loved one continue to love someone if they commit genocide or another heinous act? And if they do, should such unconditional love even be considered a 'good' thing? If someone loves unconditionally, are they loving you for you? Or just because you were birthed of the same blood? The idea has always felt hollow to me.

If someone not related by blood loves as much as a parent can, I think that speaks volumes more to the love they hold because they aren't blinded by blood-ties. They chose that love.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I feel that. People only want you for something or other, inevitably. And if you're not part of the happy, functional family unit you're on your own because often nobody, even your own blood, wants to deal with your shit.

 

[Water-Lily]

Overall I think unconditional love from parent to child does exist. But I can't speak from personal experience as I never got that in a healthy way. There was glimpses and I am fortunate for some positive childhood memories. But the abuse permanently damaged me

I have friends who have loving moms and dads, unconditional love from their families and they have this sense of positivity to themselves. Not that they don't have their own issues and insecurities, but having that foundation of love and care has influenced them in a positive way. Something I wish I had from birth.

 

[archipelago]

The part where yo used you are happier and have learned to love yourself. That is truly inspiring and I hope to get to a similar place. With that in mind, do you feel being able to live having come to such a place? Is the desire for CTB still strong?

And I feel that about the "good" parent. Imo, the good parent isn't really "good". The "good" parent who enables and doesn't protect the victim is an enabler and is bad in a way that is more insidious. I had to realize that with my own father and it's very painful.

I also relate to the narc parent being loved. Mostly since people love their fake side. But even when you tell them about how they hurt you, they still take their side. Showing you that those who stand by the narc are toxic as well. It can sometimes feel like you're surrounded by a whole community of enables and abusers.

It's a difficult thing to gauge, to be honest. Sometimes I think that my happiness with myself lulls me into thinking I should stay, but the truth is that there isn't anything left for me here.

Covid would be disastrous for me. I don't want to risk long covid either. I fear disability so much more than death. I've seen how it destroyed several people in my extended family.

I think the major difference now is that if I had ctb before, I would have done so being miserable. I would have died still hating myself, thinking that I was never enough. But now, I've reached a place where I can do it knowing I died happy with myself. I was reminded of my capacity to love both myself and others. I learned that I am enough exactly as I am. And to be honest, a lot of the discourse surrounding worker's rights and the right to die has helped me see that I am so much more than my ability or lack thereof to be productive. It would have been harder to recognize these things without others talking openly about them. It made me realize that I wasn't alone in my thinking, and that it's okay that I have different values compared to protecting my life at all costs. I think the outcome may not have changed, but the circumstances definitely did.

These things genuinely did more for me than therapy ever did. I realized that a lot of therapy can be gaslighting too (for example, I used to think that I was seen as useless because of my illness, and it was one of those things that was labelled a worst case scenario. Covid has really shown that people DGAF about vulnerable people, so it wasn't all in my head).

About the enablers, I've thought about this before too. But I guess it's something painful for me to address, and I just prefer not to. I was in an abusive relationship before, and knowing that I had one good parent helped me through that I think.

 

[Water-Lily]

It's a difficult thing to gauge, to be honest. Sometimes I think that my happiness with myself lulls me into thinking I should stay, but the truth is that there isn't anything left for me here.

Covid would be disastrous for me. I don't want to risk long covid either. I fear disability so much more than death. I've seen how it destroyed several people in my extended family.

I think the major difference now is that if I had ctb before, I would have done so being miserable. I would have died still hating myself, thinking that I was never enough. But now, I've reached a place where I can do it knowing I died happy with myself. I was reminded of my capacity to love both myself and others. I learned that I am enough exactly as I am. And to be honest, a lot of the discourse surrounding worker's rights and the right to die has helped me see that I am so much more than my ability or lack thereof to be productive. It would have been harder to recognize these things without others talking openly about them. It made me realize that I wasn't alone in my thinking, and that it's okay that I have different values compared to protecting my life at all costs. I think the outcome may not have changed, but the circumstances definitely did.

These things genuinely did more for me than therapy ever did. I realized that a lot of therapy can be gaslighting too (for example, I used to think that I was seen as useless because of my illness, and it was one of those things that was labelled a worst case scenario. Covid has really shown that people DGAF about vulnerable people, so it wasn't all in my head).

About the enablers, I've thought about this before too. But I guess it's something painful for me to address, and I just prefer not to. I was in an abusive relationship before, and knowing that I had one good parent helped me through that I think.

Thats understandable. My apologies for projecting. I am glad you had a parent on your side to help with that. I think when one has someone they can latch onto in the household (be it parent, sibling, etc) it can make things somewhat more barable. My father did that for me at times, and my brother at one point too

Yeah, I would hate to die now as I still hate myself and would hate to die in a miserable way. If you don't mind me asking, how did you get to this place of finding happiness and acceptance in yourself?

 

[archipelago]

Thats understandable. My apologies for projecting. I am glad you had a parent on your side to help with that. I think when one has someone they can latch onto in the household (be it parent, sibling, etc) it can make things somewhat more barable. My father did that for me at times, and my brother at one point too

Yeah, I would hate to die now as I still hate myself and would hate to die in a miserable way. If you don't mind me asking, how did you get to this place of finding happiness and acceptance in yourself?

No need to apologize, I didn't see it as projecting at all. It's something I've legitimately thought about before but I know that the good parent loves me in a way that's closer to unconditional love than the other one does.

It was a mix of things. I discovered hobbies that I do just for myself - things that have nothing to with external validation, things I do only because I enjoy them. A very big factor was avoiding people who held toxic values, but I know this isn't something everyone can do. It truly is amazing how your inner voice talks to you differently when the background noise of constant (unwarranted) criticism and abuse that came from other people is gone. I found smaller communities that shared my interests and values, and generally stick to those for social interaction. I have a few very good friends who share my values as well (maybe with the exception of the right to die). And the one I don't know exactly how to explain how I did it... learning to see and experience love in different ways. We place too much importance on romantic love as the be all end all. But I learned to celebrate love for myself, platonic love, love of nature, etc.

 

[Water-Lily]

No need to apologize, I didn't see it as projecting at all. It's something I've legitimately thought about before but I know that the good parent loves me in a way that's closer to unconditional love than the other one does.

It was a mix of things. I discovered hobbies that I do just for myself - things that have nothing to with external validation, things I do only because I enjoy them. A very big factor was avoiding people who held toxic values, but I know this isn't something everyone can do. But it truly is amazing how your inner voice talks to you differently when the background noise of constant (unwarranted) criticism and abuse that came from other people is gone. I found smaller communities that shared my interests and values, and generally stick to those for social interaction. I have a few very good friends who share my values as well (maybe with the exception of the right to die). And the one I don't know exactly how to explain how I did it... but learning to see and experience love in different ways. We place too much importance on romantic love as the be all end all. But I learned to celebrate love for myself, platonic love, love of nature, etc.

I am so glad you got to that place. Perhaps because I am still living at home around toxicity its still difficult. I just keep to myself and do things outside. My gran wants me to shopping at her so we can make matza ball soup tomorrow.

My dad had his moments. I think he loves me, but I just wish he did more for me too.

 

[archipelago]

I am so glad you got to that place. Perhaps because I am still living at home around toxicity its still difficult. I just keep to myself and do things outside. My gran wants me to shopping at her so we can make matza ball soup tomorrow.

My dad had his moments. I think he loves me, but I just wish he did more for me too.

Thank you It is difficult to remove the toxicity if you live in it, I completely relate. Tbh it's why I don't spend much time with my family despite living with them, but I know it's not easy for everyone to do that.

It's good that you do things outside! Keep doing things you enjoy. It helps whatever time you have here - whether you're staying for long or ctb - more enjoyable.

I understand that, how you feel about your dad. I definitely felt that way and sometimes still do. I feel it most when I feel suffocated, which has been a problem lately.

 

[pikku.tiikeri]

I'm so sorry for your suffering due to abuse at the hands of your relatives and later your foster family. You are correct, some of us do take our blood relatives for granted.

I've been thinking of this recently. I thought my parents didn't care much about me, and that my girlfriend who was my soulmate was the only one who really cared about me in this world. I grew more and more distant from my parents over the last decade. I did maintain contact with them and did visit them on important occasions, partly out of duty (the blood bond you describe so well) and partly out of guilt (I'm their only child and so I cannot afford to ignore them).

The loss of my soulmate prompted a deep rethink. I began to realise I was taking my parents for granted. They were genuinely heartbroken at my loss and consoled me for days and still do so. They liked her, they were glad I was able to find my soulmate and they were very saddened that fate was so cruel to their son.

My extreme grief has also made me more forgiving of my parents' past mistakes. They are not bad parents as they never abused me. My mother has whacked me a few times for bad behaviour and my father has said some very nasty things to me in anger. More than these forgettable things, it was a series of some extremely bad decisions they made for me which led to my lingering resentment towards them.

I'm now willing to forgive them for that. There is no use in holding on to past bitterness for so long, especially against my closest relatives whose DNA I carry. Moreover, they're getting older and suffering from health conditions. As their only child, I'm bound by a blood bond to make them feel better.

Thank you for sharing your story and asking such questions. It has only validated my belated but very necessary realisation that I have not let my resentment towards them fade away much earlier. I will make amends.

 

[Water-Lily]

I'm so sorry for your suffering due to abuse at the hands of your relatives and later your foster family. You are correct, some of us do take our blood relatives for granted.

I've been thinking of this recently. I thought my parents didn't care much about me, and that my girlfriend who was my soulmate was the only one who really cared about me in this world. I grew more and more distant from my parents over the last decade. I did maintain contact with them and did visit them on important occasions, partly out of duty (the blood bond you describe so well) and partly out of guilt (I'm their only child and so I cannot afford to ignore them).

The loss of my soulmate prompted a deep rethink. I began to realise I was taking my parents for granted. They were genuinely heartbroken at my loss and consoled me for days and still do so. They liked her, they were glad I was able to find my soulmate and they were very saddened that fate was so cruel to their son.

My extreme grief has also made me more forgiving of my parents' past mistakes. They are not bad parents as they never abused me. My mother has whacked me a few times for bad behaviour and my father has said some very nasty things to me in anger. More than these forgettable things, it was a series of some extremely bad decisions they made for me which led to my lingering resentment towards them.

I'm now willing to forgive them for that. There is no use in holding on to past bitterness for so long, especially against my closest relatives whose DNA I carry. Moreover, they're getting older and suffering from health conditions. As their only child, I'm bound by a blood bond to make them feel better.

Thank you for sharing your story and asking such questions. It has only validated my belated but very necessary realisation that I have not let my resentment towards them fade away much earlier. I will make amends.

I hope to do the same with my own family. Though still toxic in their own ways, I want to forgive so I can let go of resentment. There is still much to process but I have only one life to live. A shame to spend a majority of it on hatred and pain for the rest of my life.

Thank you It is difficult to remove the toxicity if you live in it, I completely relate. Tbh it's why I don't spend much time with my family despite living with them, but I know it's not easy for everyone to do that.

It's good that you do things outside! Keep doing things you enjoy. It helps whatever time you have here - whether you're staying for long or ctb - more enjoyable.

I understand that, how you feel about your dad. I definitely felt that way and sometimes still do. I feel it most when I feel suffocated, which has been a problem lately.

Living with toxic family sucks but I feel it's common. Not everyone has the means to leave and I certainly don't and accept that it will take a while. I do what I can, but talking to others who get it helps.

How do you get space from your fam while living with them?

 

[archipelago]

I hope to do the same with my own family. Though still toxic in their own ways, I want to forgive so I can let go of resentment. There is still much to process but I have only one life to live. A shame to spend a majority of it on hatred and pain for the rest of my life.

Living with toxic family sucks but I feel it's common. Not everyone has the means to leave and I certainly don't and accept that it will take a while. I do what I can, but talking to others who get it helps.

How do you get space from your fam while living with them?

I have a lock on my door lol. I mostly stay in my room because it feels like a safe space for me. The shitty parent used to burst in my room all the time at the worst of their mental illness, and it's triggering for me because it never used to feel safe. The good parent is pretty understanding about that, thankfully.

Usually when I go outside, it tends to be at night. I prefer the calmness at that time.

 

[Water-Lily]

I have a lock on my door lol. I mostly stay in my room because it feels like a safe space for me. The shitty parent used to burst in my room all the time at the worst of their mental illness, and it's triggering for me because it never used to feel safe. The good parent is pretty understanding about that, thankfully.

Usually when I go outside, it tends to be at night. I prefer the calmness at that time.

My dad always knocks and gives me privacy. I usually leave my door unlocked only because we live in a 1 bedroom apartment and some of his clothes are in a closet in my room. So he'll usually knock and apologize since he has to get clothes or somethign. Other than than he leaves me be or will check up on me to chit chat or ask about how I'm doing. My brother leaves me alone thankfully.

 

[archipelago]

My dad always knocks and gives me privacy. I usually leave my door unlocked only because we live in a 1 bedroom apartment and some of his clothes are in a closet in my room. So he'll usually knock and apologize since he has to get clothes or somethign. Other than than he leaves me be or will check up on me to chit chat or ask about how I'm doing. My brother leaves me alone thankfully.

I'm glad he respects your privacy, it's a very important thing.

 

[Water-Lily]

I'm glad he respects your privacy, it's a very important thing.

Yeah, much better than how my own mom was

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

What is unconditional love? Can love be unconditional? It seems to be the kind of skill only some kind of highly accomplished spiritual pursuer can achieve. For everyone else, you 'like/love/support' someone or something 'as long as...'. There is no 'I will want this no matter what' for normal people but 'I like this for these reasons and if they go away I will stop wanting it'.

You might be thinking of these people that stick with their deformed or crippled spouses? That's conditional too, simply the conditions that make love possible are still met, or they have a personality that makes abandonment impossible (they are 'very good', 'noble' etc).

Yes, instinctual love (family) is one of the closest things to 'unconditional love' normal people display, and it seems to be something deep and animalistic. There's probably a lighter version of this going on with racism, understanding ethnicity as an extended family.

You have a really good point here, with the tribalism, even if there's no deep sense of connection there, people seem to be innately drawn to similarities in background and appearence in many places. Hence distrust of immigrants, expats, and anyone else viewed as an outsider.

I agree there's usually a caveat to people staying with a spouse who is disabled or has traits that are seen as undesirable by society, I've noticed that in chronic pain groups the people usually described themselves as very cheery, funny, outgoing, and active before illness crippled them. For people who never had these traits, I think it's easier to get abandoned, because people do not see value in you- i.e. "the face only a mother could love."

Many say it is low self esteem, or self image, but it's not hard to objectively observe patterns in how people have treated you across a lifetime regardless of how you viewed yourself in those moments. I can't hide having autism, or other illnesses, so even when I fake it and make it, inevitably people are going to run away because there's not constant fun, people love to live in the heat of the moment and don't want someone slowing them down.

Objectively, I am a burden and not the sort of person who is valued in society, in friendship groups, or hobby groups because I'm too exhausted to have any semblance of life.

I skimmed through most of your story, but my heart sank. I can relate to a lot of the abuse you wrote about and from what you suffered. I feel the more people open up about their stories of abuse, many more can feel less alone. What you have described is so very common. The gaslighting, the lack of privacy, inappropriate comments on my body and entitlement, touching, staring, verbal abuse, gaslighting, invalidation, and being told "go back home your mom loves you. Stop complaining. get over it".

The sad reality is that many people see children as property. Many people, when they see a child being abused, do not want to take responsibility or admit to themselves that someone could be so heartless. And so to protect themselves and their own sanity the gaslight the victim and insist everything is ok so they can go to bed at night. Its sick and leaves many children suffering for years. And then when that child is an adult they are expected to "forgive" and "get over it". The way society treats abused children is horrific and I feel for your pain.

I always found the concept of a "chosen family" weird. I don't know how I can go out and find another mom to parent me or another family. Though I do believe in creating relationships, finding a family per say isn't cut and dry. Probably the most one can do is one day fall in love, get married and create their own family. Or make friends that become like family. Though making friends, especially when coming from trauma and illness, is challenging

You are not alone and I feel you in every way. Child abuse and trauma sucks and you deserved so much better than the monsters who raised you. Family is not restricted to blood. Imo, family should be those who love and respect you unconditionally. The idea of "family" being blood is unhealthy. Biologically yes they are your family. But their actions do not show familial love.

I often wish I had a better family. I wish I had more love in my life and care. My main abuser (mom) is dead. Though that isn't to say my life is magically better. Healing and therapy is hard and processing is a bitch. I do what I can (today I am sick so resting) and got off the phone with my grandmother. She is the mother of my mom who abused me. And though I hold resentment to her for not doing enough to protect me, I still love how she checks up on me and loves to spend time with me. My father who I have a lot of resentment towards for being an enabler and abusive also shows moments where he cares. I told him I feel like a financial burden to him and he told me I wasn't, and that he wants to work to keep me and my brother ok. He is still toxic at times, but I like those small moments

I dont know what life has in store for me. I do have friends who care and they have healthier families and lives. A part of me might always be jealous for having such a shit family and that will be a grieving process. I do what I can, and that's all anyone can do.

I am sorry that you and many others in this thread suffered from similar things. We have spoken before, and I can tell your life certainly is not easy when you have to depend on family as working a job is out of your grasp.

I hope that your grandmother will become someone you can rely on, who will be there for you, though I understand it isn't easy to fully forgive her. I have similar feelings at times, because my mother pretty much abandoned me as a baby, and I had wished my grandmother had talked her out of having me or told her to get her act together once I was shoved into this world with a drunken father and a mother who couldn't give a shit less about me due to ECT frying her brain.

Perhaps, your friends may introduce you to their families, if they are very caring and understanding. It might be worth it to try and figure out if they do things together and if they'd feel comfortable including you in dinners and stuff. I'm not entirely sure if this would pan out, but it might help with some feelings of jealousy.

I wish there was a clear cut solution. The jealousy is really horrible to grapple with, especially because it's grounded in the reality that you were deprived of that loving family unit, and like everyone else, you crave that connection. Humans all yearn for it.

 

[Water-Lily]

You have a really good point here, with the tribalism, even if there's no deep sense of connection there, people seem to be innately drawn to similarities in background and appearence in many places. Hence distrust of immigrants, expats, and anyone else viewed as an outsider.

I agree there's usually a caveat to people staying with a spouse who is disabled or has traits that are seen as undesirable by society, I've noticed that in chronic pain groups the people usually described themselves as very cheery, funny, outgoing, and active before illness crippled them. For people who never had these traits, I think it's easier to get abandoned, because people do not see value in you- i.e. "the face only a mother could love."

Many say it is low self esteem, or self image, but it's not hard to objectively observe patterns in how people have treated you across a lifetime regardless of how you viewed yourself in those moments. I can't hide having autism, or other illnesses, so even when I fake it and make it, inevitably people are going to run away because there's not constant fun, people love to live in the heat of the moment and don't want someone slowing them down.

Objectively, I am a burden and not the sort of person who is valued in society, in friendship groups, or hobby groups because I'm too exhausted to have any semblance of life.



I am sorry that you and many others in this thread suffered from similar things. We have spoken before, and I can tell your life certainly is not easy when you have to depend on family as working a job is out of your grasp.

I hope that your grandmother will become someone you can rely on, who will be there for you, though I understand it isn't easy to fully forgive her. I have similar feelings at times, because my mother pretty much abandoned me as a baby, and I had wished my grandmother had talked her out of having me or told her to get her act together once I was shoved into this world with a drunken father and a mother who couldn't give a shit less about me due to ECT frying her brain.

Perhaps, your friends may introduce you to their families, if they are very caring and understanding. It might be worth it to try and figure out if they do things together and if they'd feel comfortable including you in dinners and stuff. I'm not entirely sure if this would pan out, but it might help with some feelings of jealousy.

I wish there was a clear cut solution. The jealousy is really horrible to grapple with, especially because it's grounded in the reality that you were deprived of that loving family unit, and like everyone else, you crave that connection. Humans all yearn for it.

Indeed. Perhaps my jealousy might not be so constant with both time and work. I don't believe time heals wounds. I believe time mixed with work make a difference. You can get trapped in time and time itself is not a cure for trauma

Most of my friends are online, though I have few in person. My best friend and a few others I have connected with in my life. I am fortunate for the people I do have in my life

As for my family, I do wish they did more. They were enablers and abusers in ways. My grandmother definetly abused my mom and her kids and the impacts of said abuse is evident in her relationships withy aunt and uncles. For the time being, it's learning boundaries and I think forgiveness. I hope to forgive for my sanity, and that forgiveness does not mean reconciliation or closeness either.

 

[whatevs]

I mean, I value you, you're an epic effortposter! In the age of mobile phones, churning out thoughtful walls of text is a trait that benefits everyone, the writer and the readers. We don't need to get more tangled up in instant gratification like "YouTube shorts", we need to recover the appreciation for "slow content" for sure.

 

[Nemeshisu]

It breaks my heart to hear that you had to endure such a horrible abuse from your family. No one should be subjected to such a treatment. Ideally, family should bring atmosphere of safety and understanding.

I also find the concept that I am supposed to act nice towards someone only because they are closely related to me by blood, bizzare. In my opinion, only because someone is a family member doesn't mean that their horrible behaviour should be tolerated. Unfortunately, our society loves to glorify the family and people think that we're supposed to endure any kind of treatment from family members.

The whole family bond seemed always kind of fake and artificial to me. When I was young, my parents often would take me to visit our various family members. And during such visits my parents would act 'nice' to my aunts and uncles etc.. However, the moment we left my parents would always start complaining that "X family member is so horrible". So, I never really understood why my parents would feel some strange obligation to keep contact with people they hate so much only because they are related to them by blood.

Back to my parents, I suppose they were mediocre compared to parents of other SS members due to fact that I never had to endure much physical abuse. Though, I had to endure various forms of emotional and verbal abuse. They are proably the reason why I suffer from fear of loud noises due to how much they used to yell at me for no reason. Like, I remember that my father did yell at me due to having spend money on my glasses like it was somehow my fault that I have myopia which was ridiculous. I have cold relationship with them nowadays.

I think our experiences during childhood play a big role in our development as a person. People that had to grew up in abusive environment have trouble forming healthy relationships with other people during adulthood. That in turn can play part in person becoming suicidal.

I don't think that truly 'unconditional' love does exist. Even most ideal romantic relationship has deep down some selfish cause behind it like staying with another person simply due to fear to be alone etc.
Not entirely sure if relationship between parent and child is truly unconditional either.

 

[Water-Lily]

It breaks my heart to hear that you had to endure such a horrible abuse from your family. No one should be subjected to such a treatment. Ideally, family should bring atmosphere of safety and understanding.

I also find the concept that I am supposed to act nice towards someone only because they are closely related to me by blood, bizzare. In my opinion, only because someone is a family member doesn't mean that their horrible behaviour should be tolerated. Unfortunately, our society loves to glorify the family and people think that we're supposed to endure any kind of treatment from family members.

The whole family bond seemed always kind of fake and artificial to me. When I was young, my parents often would take me to visit our various family members. And during such visits my parents would act 'nice' to my aunts and uncles etc.. However, the moment we left my parents would always start complaining that "X family member is so horrible". So, I never really understood why my parents would feel some strange obligation to keep contact with people they hate so much only because they are related to them by blood.

Back to my parents, I suppose they were mediocre compared to parents of other SS members due to fact that I never had to endure much physical abuse. Though, I had to endure various forms of emotional and verbal abuse. They are proably the reason why I suffer from fear of loud noises due to how much they used to yell at me for no reason. Like, I remember that my father did yell at me due to having spend money on my glasses like it was somehow my fault that I have myopia which was ridiculous. I have cold relationship with them nowadays.

I think our experiences during childhood play a big role in our development as a person. People that had to grew up in abusive environment have trouble forming healthy relationships with other people during adulthood. That in turn can play part in person becoming suicidal.

I don't think that truly 'unconditional' love does exist. Even most ideal romantic relationship has deep down some selfish cause behind it like staying with another person simply due to fear to be alone etc.
Not entirely sure if relationship between parent and child is truly unconditional either.

I agree. I see it in my family too. I find myself making jokes about certain family members to sort of "fit in" but am realizing more of how toxic that is. When I look back and see how they treat each other, its so toxic. My dad resents my moms family, and they all resent and hurt one another since they all abuse each other daily. Heck when I was with my grandma yesterday my uncle kept on harassing her and she said "he only treats me this badly because he knows I depend on him for everything". Just...ugh

I think even in families with a lot of love, there needs to be healthy boundaries in that. However family is held over your heads and everyone wants to pretend that all families are lovely and happy when I feel there are more abusive and toxic families. Also abuse and toxicity exist on a spectrum. Tt's not all overt physical or sexual abuse like beatings or molestation. But verbal abuse, manipulation, ignoring, neglect, favoristim, scapegoating, gaslighting, etc are all forms of abuse. And because they aren't as overt and are harder to pinpoint it makes it very insidious and destructive. The absue that doesn't show physical scars tend to be the most disgusting and disturbing, and harmful

I feel those who push the narrative of family are either ignorant, likely come from a good place (maybe they never experienced abuse) or they feel intimated by your trauma and want to push the family narrative so they can feel better. In either case, its a fuck you to abused children and leaves so many traumatized and ill

 

[Pluto]

I agree with all that has been said.

We should distinguish between parents who merely make honest mistakes and the full-on basket cases who should be avoided at all cost. But for those of us who miss out, the hardships of childhood only set the stage for an adult life on a dreadful trajectory.

I've also tried to 'adopt' friends to serve the role of family but it never worked out because I needed them, but was a second-rate family member in return. It ultimately ended in anguish. There was another time when I hoped to adopt a child, but ironically was unable to do so because I lack the requisite extended family support network.

I wish I had an answer but instead, I can only say that I feel every word you say.

It's not all overt physical or sexual abuse like beatings or molestation. But verbal abuse, manipulation, ignoring, neglect, favoristim, scapegoating, gaslighting, etc are all forms of abuse.

There are three forms of abuse: physical, sexual and emotional. What you describe is the 3rd, and it is unique in that it is impossible to prove that it has occurred. My family mastered the art of portraying me as the trouble-maker whenever I showed signs of trauma in my behaviour, which is itself a kind of gas-lighting. A perfect vicious circle to thoroughly unravel whatever psychological wellbeing I was born with.

 

[Rogue Proxy]

This discussion reminds me of a concept I've mulled over: how no parental figure, especially not a paternal one, could truly love and accept me as an individual. Every parent has at least one, if not an entire laundry list of expectations and demands they attach to their offspring. The vast majority of parental conditions involve impeccably and promptly completing milestones and checking off the lifescript. These include earning high grades and many awards; graduation, gaining the highest quality education, being independent in every way; homeownership, vehicular ownership, marriage, procreation, employment, earning stable high wages, serving their community and country; having a high social status, having a large circle of friends, abiding by religious teachings, being able-bodied and able-minded; being neurotypical, being heterosexual, being cisgender, being (physically) attractive, always being resilient, and mostly importantly, satisfying their parents' desires and needs, especially during their retirement. On top of all this are the stringent demands most fathers impose onto their sons, like being athletic, fearless, stoic, marrying the "perfect" woman, and producing the best quality offspring.

All in all, I cannot (perfectly) satisfy these standards and ideals burdened onto me. In some cases, like homeownership, marriage, social status, and reproduction, I will not strive to achieve these personally irrelevant "goals". I cannot and will not fulfill even the single, condensed expectation of enjoying life due to countless forms and frequencies of suffering, the ephemerality and futility of pleasure, the nonsensical and nonessentiality of existence, not belonging in either civilization or natural world; incapability and refusal to assimilate myself in either of those worlds, and desiring nonexistence. Due to the various imperfections and deviations, I am unworthy of compassion, empathy, understanding, acceptance, support, protection, or genuine "love", especially from the humans that forced me into existence and those genetically related to me. To them, all I deserve is their disregard, disgust, manipulation, objectification, demonization, disrespect, ridicule, rejection, hatred, cruelty, negligence, and abuse.

I've also been pondering over the futility of wishing for loving, accepting parents. This is primarily due to the fictionality of unconditional love and selfish motives behind reproduction. Granted, there are instances of love with fewer and more simplistic conditions. However, everything in existence has at least one string attached, including love and reproduction. In fact, if all pleasures and benefits of procreation were eliminated, no organism would reproduce. Here is a chart created by VHEMT to exemplify the selfish desires of human reproduction. It appears that my longing originated from the instinctual attachment towards caretakers for survival's sake, and years of social indoctrination regarding family. Therefore, my desire for loving parents and family is personally pointless and unbeneficial as wishing for a mythical creature as a pet. Like every organism, I'm nothing but a product of reproduction commenced by two breeders gratifying their own whims.

 

[Water-Lily]

I agree with all that has been said.

We should distinguish between parents who merely make honest mistakes and the full-on basket cases who should be avoided at all cost. But for those of us who miss out, the hardships of childhood only set the stage for an adult life on a dreadful trajectory.

I've also tried to 'adopt' friends to serve the role of family but it never worked out because I needed them, but was a second-rate family member in return. It ultimately ended in anguish. There was another time when I hoped to adopt a child, but ironically was unable to do so because I lack the requisite extended family support network.

I wish I had an answer but instead, I can only say that I feel every word you say.


There are three forms of abuse: physical, sexual and emotional. What you describe is the 3rd, and it is unique in that it is impossible to prove that it has occurred. My family mastered the art of portraying me as the trouble-maker whenever I showed signs of trauma in my behaviour, which is itself a kind of gas-lighting. A perfect vicious circle to thoroughly unravel whatever psychological wellbeing I was born with.

And because it's hard to prove, it goes under the radar. It creates long lasting damaging effects, likely on some level of PTSD. So tragic

What you said about friends reminded me of a woman I did group therapy with. She told us how she lost her parents at a young age and has no other immediate family. When it comes to Christmas, though she has friends, she doesn't feel comfortable being with them and their families. She's very lonely. I am not sure how she is now but I hope she's found happiness

 

[GentleJerk]

I mean, I value you, you're an epic effortposter! In the age of mobile phones, churning out thoughtful walls of text is a trait that benefits everyone, the writer and the readers. We don't need to get more tangled up in instant gratification like "YouTube shorts", we need to recover the appreciation for "slow content" for sure.

True. Kuri's posts are some of the very few long and detailed posts that I can usually snap out of my brain fog/declining attention span long enough to read fully, and sometimes even respond to with a semi decent chunk of words as they're often relatable.

Being well written, hitting that enter button properly and using perfect grammar definitely helps a lot. It's pretty rare. As a member of other forums too, I often hurt my brain trying to read and write posts. I'm definitely developing a TLDR gene and my outputs are getting shorter, so it's refreshing to be thoroughly engaged.

 

[MellowAvenue]

My stint in a foster home was not mandated by government (though my Foster parents were employed in the legal and social care system). My family willingly signed me over to them, and there was no messy legal/judicial battle involved. Because of that, I do not get any sort of acknowledgement from any government that I was in the system, and have always been exempt from any programs or help for children who had aged out of care, runaway, etc.

I honestly didn't know this was a thing. I'm guessing the intent was so that "trouble children" who were signed away because their parents couldn't handle them couldn't get access to those programs, which is still kiiiinda fucked since there may be underlying mental health issues causing the behavior, and others who just so happen to have scummy parents or designated caretakers suffer. Seems like another crack in a shitty system ultimately.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I honestly didn't know this was a thing. I'm guessing the intent was so that "trouble children" who were signed away because their parents couldn't handle them couldn't get access to those programs, which is still kiiiinda fucked since there may be underlying mental health issues causing the behavior, and others who just so happen to have scummy parents or designated caretakers suffer. Seems like another crack in a shitty system ultimately.

Social services is woefully inadequate in most places, unfortunately. One of my sibling's father pushed his children down the stairs, constantly verbally abused them, and was investigated several times for domestic violence, and the authorities did absolutely nothing.

I think parents/guardians truly have to be the worst of the worst in order to actually get their children taken away by any sort of safeguarding entity. I'm talking severe neglect to the point of their kids clothed in rags, malnutrition, visible injuries, the most extreme cases one can envisage.

My family actually kept me locked indoors with barely any contact with the outside world for nearly two years, when I was a teenager. In their words, I'd go and "get myself molested again." My foster parents saw the toll that took on me, I think, and because they were employed in the legal system they knew how to pull strings to get some guardianship of me.

Because of them, I was able to get an education again after being out of school from roughly age 14-16, however, I ended up not getting enough to eat and it was often a hard life because many of the staff at my school and students too did not believe that an older student molested me and proceeded to make my life even more hellish. I still preferred this to the abuse though, and I truly believe that things would be so much better off for many abused children if they could relocate to new families.

The burden of proof for abuse is much harder if the torment is mainly psychological too. Even when there were police at my house because two family members were beating each other, the police still didn't do anything and I was terrified to tell them how badly I wanted away from that awful environment. A big component of my punishments would involve even worse treatment if I told anyone the horrible things that were said to me.

The social care systems are just woefully inadequate to deal with long term, constant abuse from caregivers that doesn't immediately threaten one's life. Psychiatry (and therapy/counselling) staff were just as complicit in enabling it, I would tell them how miserable I was because I wasn't allowed to have any semblance of life, I begged them to help me get out, and they just drugged me more and more until I became a shell of a person, only 15 years old and totally zombified.

This discussion reminds me of a concept I've mulled over: how no parental figure, especially not a paternal one, could truly love and accept me as an individual. Every parent has at least one, if not an entire laundry list of expectations and demands they attach to their offspring. The vast majority of parental conditions involve impeccably and promptly completing milestones and checking off the lifescript. These include earning high grades and many awards; graduation, gaining the highest quality education, being independent in every way; homeownership, vehicular ownership, marriage, procreation, employment, earning stable high wages, serving their community and country; having a high social status, having a large circle of friends, abiding by religious teachings, being able-bodied and able-minded; being neurotypical, being heterosexual, being cisgender, being (physically) attractive, always being resilient, and mostly importantly, satisfying their parents' desires and needs, especially during their retirement. On top of all this are the stringent demands most fathers impose onto their sons, like being athletic, fearless, stoic, marrying the "perfect" woman, and producing the best quality offspring.

All in all, I cannot (perfectly) satisfy these standards and ideals burdened onto me. In some cases, like homeownership, marriage, social status, and reproduction, I will not strive to achieve these personally irrelevant "goals". I cannot and will not fulfill even the single, condensed expectation of enjoying life due to countless forms and frequencies of suffering, the ephemerality and futility of pleasure, the nonsensical and nonessentiality of existence, not belonging in either civilization or natural world; incapability and refusal to assimilate myself in either of those worlds, and desiring nonexistence. Due to the various imperfections and deviations, I am unworthy of compassion, empathy, understanding, acceptance, support, protection, or genuine "love", especially from the humans that forced me into existence and those genetically related to me. To them, all I deserve is their disregard, disgust, manipulation, objectification, demonization, disrespect, ridicule, rejection, hatred, cruelty, negligence, and abuse.

I've also been pondering over the futility of wishing for loving, accepting parents. This is primarily due to the fictionality of unconditional love and selfish motives behind reproduction. Granted, there are instances of love with fewer and more simplistic conditions. However, everything in existence has at least one string attached, including love and reproduction. In fact, if all pleasures and benefits of procreation were eliminated, no organism would reproduce. Here is a chart created by VHEMT to exemplify the selfish desires of human reproduction. It appears that my longing originated from the instinctual attachment towards caretakers for survival's sake, and years of social indoctrination regarding family. Therefore, my desire for loving parents and family is personally pointless and unbeneficial as wishing for a mythical creature as a pet. Like every organism, I'm nothing but a product of reproduction commenced by two breeders gratifying their own whims.

These standards are too much for any one person to bear, it is really suffocating when some arbitrary cultural/social expectation completely poisons the well when it comes to how family perceives you. In my case, being gay, well, bisexual (but they would never know the difference) completely changed how my family regarded me. My very disposition was sinful and vile to them.

You deserved much better than woefully inadequate "caretakers" who did nothing but put you down, scrutinise you, and hold you to impossible standards. A good parent loves their children regardless of how many milestones they tick off the life script. Love and nurture should not be contingent on success and societal standing/status, yet sadly this often seems to be the case, when parents want to project their own desires, goals, and delusions of grandeur onto their offspring.

The chart you linked is very interesting, all the more reasons to steer towards antinatalism. Learning more about evolutionary biology and how it shapes human and animal behaviour alike often shocks me, knowing how so much of our wanting and longing is an intrinsic desire that we can't snuff out like a candle, despite the ramblings of incompetent therapists who insist that neglected adults "reparent" themselves and try to deceive their brains with imaginary formative memories that simply do not exist when you are not nurtured properly as a child.

Like you say, it's akin to wishing for a mythical creature. I'd be more likely to find a pet unicorn today than be loved by anyone.