I have never understood why you are meant to show allegiance to blood relatives, even when those people couldn't care less about you. Others often talk about finding your tribe and building your own family, but I don't always think this is possible and is likely the exception rather than the rule for someone with no connections.
Unconditional love is extremely rare. I'm very jealous of people who have family support systems, or friends who effectively function as a family. It is hard to find relationships in this world that are not transactional and built off how much entertainment/utility that you can provide someone.
In regards to socialisation and lacking family/friends, my entire life has felt like being a beggar outside of a Michelin star restaurant, munching on crumbs while people in the window are feasting on exquisite cuisine. No one wants to invite you into the restaurant, into their family.
Building your own family sounds great in theory, who wouldn't rather be around people who actually share interests, belief systems, and life experiences with you? However, this is incredibly difficult when you don't have something to bring to the table, or boundless energy to go out and do activities, hoping someone will be more than an acquaintance.
I've met many people, in real life, who despise their parents/families or find them annoying, but I would kill to have their parents. One of my housemates for example, really can't stand his mother because she is always asking him if he wants tea, if he wants help with something, or to chat about gardening.
When I saw the way he coldly speaks to her at times when she's perceived as annoying, it shocked me because I would do anything to have a mother who loved me like that. I believe many people take their parents or families for granted and don't realize there are people who don't have anyone in this world. I would do anything to have people who loved me unconditionally. But what drives people to love unconditionally?
I have noticed that some individuals, especially edgy redditor types, firmly believe that others should have less so that their biological family could prosper and come out on top. NIMBY sort of attitude.
Even though we are no longer living in a world rife with carnivorous predators, and for the most part, no crazy natural disasters or constant threat from nature, a lot of people display animalistic instincts when it comes towards those who share DNA, even though there is rarely any need to fight over food or shelter.
Looking back at my childhood, I noticed that other people's families would only be nice to me to a certain degree. They would always prefer their biological relative no matter what, even if the child was throwing a temper tantrum or stomping around. At the end of the day, you're still a stranger to them.
I remember one time my aunt had one of her extreme volatile episodes and got sent to the psych ward again, I was around 12 years old I think, and I had to stay with one of her best friends for a couple of days. I begged this woman to please let me stay there, that I didn't want to go back to my aunt and her parents abusing me everyday. She just stared at me and said something along the lines of they're your family, they love you, you belong there, not here.
No matter how much I'd tell people about the abuse, they seemed to always think that my relatives should have ownership of me no matter what and by default they loved me, because that's what your blood kin is meant to do. Every single person where I grew up is a very strict, traditional, religious, conservative and believes that you have familial piety. Those who don't believe this become outcast and leave.
Having to endure verbal abuse daily for years as a child, threats of being kicked out and my things thrown outside (which happened a couple of times), sometimes physical violence like a chair being thrown at my bedroom and busting a hole through my door, toys thrown at my head, watching family members fight, throwing and busting glass, having to see suicide attempts, neglect, being told I was going to burn in hell, blackmailing me about liking women, does a number on a young child's mine. I also grew up being beaten and lashed with a stick, belts, etc because the church said it's a great punishment.
My family continually tore down my self esteem by insinuating that I was ugly and weird constantly, they were ashamed of me no matter how many times they'd pontificate that they loved me so much. My dad's mother bought loads of tight clothing and demanded I wear it to be prettier, said I needed makeup, and begged me many times to play sports so that I could be normal please.
They took photos of me wearing masculine clothing or cosplay and shown them to people, giggling about how weird and queer it was. These are the same people who blocked my autism diagnosis appointment as a toddler and prevented me from getting help, because they had such a deep shame and disdain for autistic people. Yet, they wanted to conceal that I was odd. Now I have to live with the reality of a speech impediment and autistic traits, due to the fact that my family loved the idea of me, more than the real me.
Because she was psychotic and her husband did nothing but enable her, my dad's mother was convinced that everyone had a satanic vendatta against her. She demanded that I hug her and let her kiss all over my face and lips. I was never comfortable with this and I always begged my other relatives to stop it from happening. They always told me, even as a little child, that I was cruel and should give into her wishes or else I didn't love her.
Even though I know they were just dumb and didn't mean to be skeevy, my aunt and my dad's mother would come into the bathroom while I was naked or dressing as a young teenager, and make comments about my body. They loved telling people that I had, "massive, huge tits." I hated them for this. Once while I was bathing, my aunt swung open the door and cackled, "When's the sex change?" They knew I was recovering from my classmate molesting me and had no dignity whatsoever about my sexual abuse.
Of course, when I had enough of their abuse, they told everyone they loved me so much and I was cruel because I wouldn't talk to them. They posted pages of rants about how I'm a no good liar on social media for people to lap up.
When my aunt died, my father's parents disowned me. I cannot even go in the one shop in the place I was born because people truly think I'm a monster for not wanting to be around "my loving family." Oh, and when I tried to give them another chance, they just threw a fit about how me mourning my grandfather is horrible because he "didn't do as much as they did for me."
So not only do I have no parents, and a lot of my family is dead or disappeared into their own world, but I got disowned by abusers who ensured that I would never make another connection in their area because it's so small. Even when I left my foster family, it was the same deal of people gossiping like mad about me, a child, because they had nothing better to do.
My stint in a foster home was not mandated by government (though my Foster parents were employed in the legal and social care system). My family willingly signed me over to them, and there was no messy legal/judicial battle involved. Because of that, I do not get any sort of acknowledgement from any government that I was in the system, and have always been exempt from any programs or help for children who had aged out of care, runaway, etc.
There are two distinct sentences that I will never forget hearing when I was in their care. Once, my foster mother was scolding my sister, her biological daughter, because my sister kept letting me get bullied at school and would be very jealous of me when her parents showed me any love or attention. She said, "KuriGohan has nobody. She's all alone, remember that."
When I left them, because I couldn't stand arguing with my sister and the fact that my parents had let multiple pet cats just suffer terribly and die in our house, seemed to be abusing the money they were given, and didn't feed me enough, another sister made it known to me that, "You aren't really our sibling. You never will be. You aren't blood."
That stuck with me. You don't matter, because you don't share our DNA. It's hard for me to accept that most concept of family is animal instinct, or any love for me stemmed from seeing me as a doll in my father's image after he died, rather than a living human being. I don't think I will ever know the feeling of unconditional love.
Adult romantic relationships have been even more stressful, and it's been made clear to me that if the sexual or romantic aspect was ever gone, that I wouldn't be cared for anymore. Love is contingent on transactional exchanges, in many cases, but not always. I am entitled to nothing, yet family is entitled to everything, it seems.
It is interesting to note that you can see the sentiment a lot in UK news articles and comments section, that people hate having to pay taxes to help a "stranger's kids". There seems to be a huge culture of selfishness where only your biological family matters, and helping others is deplorable if it may take away from your chance of owning a second home and becoming a landlord, or you suddenly have to share public spaces with someone you don't fancy (when these people never reach out to the strangers, they just scoff at them from afar.)
What do you think about the concept of family? Does not having anyone, or living with scars of abuse, while being surrounded by others who have plenty and have no desire for you to ever be part of their tribe, contribute to your suicidal ideation?
