Venting The comfort of dying “naturally”

[willitpass]

I don't have a lot left in me. Between the ever increasing chronic pain and fatigue, alongside the brain fog and cardiac symptoms, and I'm sure more but I can't remember right now. I know my abuse towards myself is catching up and I will die soon. It won't be a natural death by technical means, but it won't be a suicide by conventional means. I haven't done these things to kill my self, rather to hurt myself, but they are killing me in the process. And the thought of slowly slipping away sounds so peaceful. I am in excruciating pain every day and I know it will not be a peaceful death, but at least I know that I won't have to pull the trigger. The immense fear of failure that my previous attempts have left me with has made it near impossible to overcome the SI. Maybe one day I'll over come it, but preferably my body will give out first. I will slip away with nothing more to do about it. No salty water to swallow, no rope around my neck, no gun in my mouth, no ledge to look over. Just slipping away as my body says no more, I'm done. Not a peaceful death by any means, slow and agonizing, my back is hurting so bad I can hardly take it as I write this, but mentally it's nice to know that I may not have to make that act. Rather I'm making miniature acts every day that will ultimately add up to it.

 

[final_countdown12]

I don't have a lot left in me. Between the ever increasing chronic pain and fatigue, alongside the brain fog and cardiac symptoms, and I'm sure more but I can't remember right now. I know my abuse towards myself is catching up and I will die soon. It won't be a natural death by technical means, but it won't be a suicide by conventional means. I haven't done these things to kill my self, rather to hurt myself, but they are killing me in the process. And the thought of slowly slipping away sounds so peaceful. I am in excruciating pain every day and I know it will not be a peaceful death, but at least I know that I won't have to pull the trigger. The immense fear of failure that my previous attempts have left me with has made it near impossible to overcome the SI. Maybe one day I'll over come it, but preferably my body will give out first. I will slip away with nothing more to do about it. No salty water to swallow, no rope around my neck, no gun in my mouth, no ledge to look over. Just slipping away as my body says no more, I'm done. Not a peaceful death by any means, slow and agonizing, my back is hurting so bad I can hardly take it as I write this, but mentally it's nice to know that I may not have to make that act. Rather I'm making miniature acts every day that will ultimately add up to it.

How long do you think this process will take until death?

 

[willitpass]

How long do you think this process will take until death?

I'd imagine I'll be gone by the end of the calendar year. Two more years max. Hopefully much less, but I am well aware of how resilient the body can be. I would never want anyone else to go through this. I'm in severe pain every day and slow doesn't even begin to describe the process, but I feel I deserve the pain anyway.

 

[$crim]

i hope that you will find ways to find physical comfort in these final months. you deserve it! ♥
try to enjoy the time you have left (within reason due to limitations id assume would be from pain), and ride it out til the end
even if its painful, im happy that youre at ease with the certain future. we're always here to help if things get scary!

 

[anhedonya]

I'm sorry that life led you to this point. I wish you were able to partake in the comforts and things that you loved. I'm here if you ever need anything.

 

[LaughingGoat]

Many small acts of courage are no more less admirable than one large act of courage. Like others said, I hope you can make yourself as comfortable as possible until your end to ease your pain.

 

[DeletedAccount0864]

abuse towards myself

Do my mind sharing what this abuse consists of?

 

[Unknown21]

Ik it's so comfortable, sometimes i wish I had stage 4 cancer and very short time to live, the idea itself bring me relief.

 

[final_countdown12]

but I feel I deserve the pain anyway.

But why do you feel you deserve the pain? I dont think anyone in the world deserve such a pain. Why would you deserve it?

 

[errorsinmypast]

It's the dream to slip away peacefully, I often wish harm on myself in the hope that something happens and I slip away. I hope you find some peace, you certainly sound deserving it, nobody should be suffering so much.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

You don't deserve pain. No one does.