greyblue_bian
2x Failed CTB Member
- Jun 10, 2022
- 184
Sometimes, I feel as if I can never catch a break. Like every year there was always some kind of new trauma that I was urged to push through. But, I have had some breaks. What bothers me about them is that when I did, it always ended in something else even worse happening to me. It'd be a good month, week, day, or just a moment and then the person or thing that gave this good moment to me would hurt me or it would be bittersweet because soon after, it would be gone. Even though I'm aware nothing lasts forever, I don't think all the good things and relationships I've found throughout everything I've been through in life had to end in traumatic ways. There has to be such thing as a good ending. It would hurt, but not in the way I've experienced. I would at least come out with some understanding, with my head intact, and with the ability to move on without being so deeply affected that it would affect my future relationships and experiences negatively.
I am now alone. I do mostly nothing. It's left my family disappointed in me, but I don't really care. I've got no incentive to live and I'm trying to find it for the people that I care about. It's ironic the people that have been supporting me while I'm going through this have been here, but I'm somehow still alone. I can't seem to be able to make more of an effort to really connect with someone on a deeper level. I am alone. I'm back to where I healed myself from a few times before. I am fantasizing about human interaction. I'm no longer scared of people and I am interested in getting to meet and know new people, but not enough to keep them with me and not enough to actually make anything last even with old friends.
My emotions lately have been up and down. I'll be crying and laying in bed while scrolling and then distract myself with some post I see that may lead me into some deep thought and distraction and fantasy of something I could do with my life or a reality I could have or could be living and it will immediately change how I feel. Sometimes, I'm angry. Sometimes, I'm happy and want to live and do great things for myself. But everything seems to end in wanting to die sooner rather than later. Everything is unpredictable. I've also lost my sense of time. The days go by fast sometimes and they go by slow and I'm not sure how long I've been dwelling on something others say I need to move on from. I'm confused about the things that I understand. The reasons behind what's happened at least. I want some kind of relief from living or having my name. I want to erase everything and have not existed at all. I've thought about it, and I'm not entirely sure there would be any difference at all in the people that know me lives. I'm tired.
I am now alone. I do mostly nothing. It's left my family disappointed in me, but I don't really care. I've got no incentive to live and I'm trying to find it for the people that I care about. It's ironic the people that have been supporting me while I'm going through this have been here, but I'm somehow still alone. I can't seem to be able to make more of an effort to really connect with someone on a deeper level. I am alone. I'm back to where I healed myself from a few times before. I am fantasizing about human interaction. I'm no longer scared of people and I am interested in getting to meet and know new people, but not enough to keep them with me and not enough to actually make anything last even with old friends.
My emotions lately have been up and down. I'll be crying and laying in bed while scrolling and then distract myself with some post I see that may lead me into some deep thought and distraction and fantasy of something I could do with my life or a reality I could have or could be living and it will immediately change how I feel. Sometimes, I'm angry. Sometimes, I'm happy and want to live and do great things for myself. But everything seems to end in wanting to die sooner rather than later. Everything is unpredictable. I've also lost my sense of time. The days go by fast sometimes and they go by slow and I'm not sure how long I've been dwelling on something others say I need to move on from. I'm confused about the things that I understand. The reasons behind what's happened at least. I want some kind of relief from living or having my name. I want to erase everything and have not existed at all. I've thought about it, and I'm not entirely sure there would be any difference at all in the people that know me lives. I'm tired.
