Story That's it man. I'm about to do it. No one respects me, not even my "family" and I hate my self. Depressed for 6 months and it's about time I CTB.

[Alfarooq]

*THIS IS A LONG ESSAY ABOUT THE STORY OF MY LIFE AND WHY I WANT TO CTB.*

*AND ALSO I WILL TRY TO NOT REUSE COMMON PHRASES MADE BY DEPRESSED PEOPLE LIKE THESE BECAUSE IM SURE YOU'VE HEARD IT ALL: "I am useless" "Everyone hates me" "Everyone treats me like trash" "Everyone would be better off with out me" "Life is not worth living"*

*And without further ado, read on.*

I have finally decided to make the decision to CTB. I would much appreciate if anyone would give me an assisted suicide method in the UK. I have let people down a lot, including my parents, and I am guilty, I keep making embarrassing mistakes, I am too dumb for this world, everyone around me is succeeding in life except for me, I will not make it in this world at all. I will never succeed or be able to do what I always wished to do. So what's the point of living? Life is for those who are able to make use of themselves. Those who have a good future in their life. Those people deserve to live. I don't. I have no motivation and no chance of success. It's not like I deserve to live anyway. This 6 months lasting depression is all my fault.

But wait, there's more. I am home schooling in college at the moment, studying Computer Science. I can't bring myself to do any assignments or study for any tests. I simply have no interest in the subjects anymore. I live with my dad and commute to school and I hate every minute of going to class and being on campus. I feel so much guilt because going to college is a opportunity and my dad paid a lot of money and it feels like I am just blowing it. And because I have no motivation, i am useless. Am I not?

I am honestly not sure what to do with my trash life anymore. I'd like to finish school, but the motivation is just not there. I think about CTB every day. School was honestly all I had until I lost the motivation to continue.

No motivation, no potential for success, and because of my uselessness, I always think of performing CTB but I'm not sure how i am even going to pull it off. I'm a total failure, and I don't think I'm going to make it in this cursed world at all, not that I even deserve to live anyway. Life is for successful people and for those who can make use of themselves, not bastards like me. And on top of that it's not my only problem. I seem to have a problem with everyone I know as well. Everyone I know, I have seen the cursed side of them at least once. Not a single soul was nice to me my entire life. Not even my "family"

And speaking of my "family", and also speaking of the fact that you should think about how they would feel if you were gone, they do things everyday that give me a new reason to CTB. (Everyday I wake up and go back to sleep with a new reason to CTB.) I have 2 sisters, and the WORST thing of all, is that one of them decided to say "Alfarooq, why don't you CTB earlier because I don't want you here at all". Wow. I felt offended alot. And what's more, the other disrespectful sibling said "Why do I have an older brother? I wish I had an older sister instead " and gave me an evil look. My "family" are the biggest offenders. I don't even know how the imbeciles found out I had the desire to CTB. So my entire "family" is a joke.

Human beings are cursed. They always offend me. No one helps you become happy in this cursed world, no one cares about your existence, and no one helps you succeed. I have been harassed and offended a lot by many bastards, had many fake friends betray me, and every bastard only cares about themselves. There is no one worth trusting in this planet. Everyone around me is succeeding, and I am tired of being left out. Who will care about your existence? If your not smart enough to to make something useful of yourself in this life, you will not get anywhere. I need to CTB asap.


And they say life is a "gift from God" well I have abused that gift, and I don't deserve it. I deserve to die.

 

[OblivionOmitted]

I don't think you deserve to die. Despite the fact that you don't do any assignments, I definitely don't think you're a failure. You're getting up every morning and commuting to college, even though you hate it. That's some strong willpower right there. I'm proud of you man, and depression fucking sucks. I don't think you landing in depression is your fault, but that doesn't mean you can't do anything about it. I'm sorry to hear about how your family has been treating you, and honestly reading this made me really emotional which I didn't expect.

Life is a gift from God, and no you haven't abused it. You still have plenty of time to make yourself useful in this life. Besides, success and 'usefulness' as you put it, is different for everyone, which sounds generic, but really it is true. The rich lawyer with a wife and kids envies the man who does nothing but party and drink with his friends, and wishes he himself could take just one off-day and go do the same thing, as he hasn't had any sort of fun in his entire life. And the guy who does nothing but party and drink with his friends envies the rich lawyer with a wife and kids, because he himself wants to settle down someday, and doesn't see how he could ever do it. Both are successful in their own way, guy 1 being traditionally successful and guy 2 being happy and living life on his own terms, yet both just can't see how fortunate they are and wish they were something else instead. You describe yourself as a failure, but reading through this, that's the last thing I see in you. I see you more as a soldier, dealing with negative thoughts and emotions all the time, but continuing to live despite the challenges. I think that really you should be proud of yourself for pushing yourself so much.

I can understand why it's frustrating that everyone around you is making it, but really you shouldn't be comparing yourself to others. Comparing yourself to others is the quickest way to ruin your motivation. Life's unfair and there will always be people better than you. But why care about that? Just be the best version of yourself.

 

[Sulyya]

It is a shame that work, education and even just the opinions of others have such massive impact on people including their will to live. And that it can sap that away to almost nothing. There can be more but it's hard to find. Best of luck

 

[trist]

But wait, there's more. I am home schooling in college at the moment, studying Computer Science. I can't bring myself to do any assignments or study for any tests. I simply have no interest in the subjects anymore. I live with my dad and commute to school and I hate every minute of going to class and being on campus. I feel so much guilt because going to college is a opportunity and my dad paid a lot of money and it feels like I am just blowing it. And because I have no motivation, i am useless. Am I not?

I am honestly not sure what to do with my trash life anymore. I'd like to finish school, but the motivation is just not there. I think about CTB every day. School was honestly all I had until I lost the motivation to continue.

i relate a lot to this part. i really wanna give up on college buy my parents pay for it and i can't tell them i'm failing.

 

[Alfarooq]

I don't think you deserve to die. Despite the fact that you don't do any assignments, I definitely don't think you're a failure. You're getting up every morning and commuting to college, even though you hate it. That's some strong willpower right there. I'm proud of you man, and depression fucking sucks. I don't think you landing in depression is your fault, but that doesn't mean you can't do anything about it. I'm sorry to hear about how your family has been treating you, and honestly reading this made me really emotional which I didn't expect.

Life is a gift from God, and no you haven't abused it. You still have plenty of time to make yourself useful in this life. Besides, success and 'usefulness' as you put it, is different for everyone, which sounds generic, but really it is true. The rich lawyer with a wife and kids envies the man who does nothing but party and drink with his friends, and wishes he himself could take just one off-day and go do the same thing, as he hasn't had any sort of fun in his entire life. And the guy who does nothing but party and drink with his friends envies the rich lawyer with a wife and kids, because he himself wants to settle down someday, and doesn't see how he could ever do it. Both are successful in their own way, guy 1 being traditionally successful and guy 2 being happy and living life on his own terms, yet both just can't see how fortunate they are and wish they were something else instead. You describe yourself as a failure, but reading through this, that's the last thing I see in you. I see you more as a soldier, dealing with negative thoughts and emotions all the time, but continuing to live despite the challenges. I think that really you should be proud of yourself for pushing yourself so much.

I can understand why it's frustrating that everyone around you is making it, but really you shouldn't be comparing yourself to others. Comparing yourself to others is the quickest way to ruin your motivation. Life's unfair and there will always be people better than you. But why care about that? Just be the best version of yourself.

Thank you for your advice. I am still trying to stay strong and not lose hope in life yet.But during this I see signs that make me think that it may be worth losing hope. I know I shouldn't, but I just feel like it. I then think "that's it, I need to CTB tomorrow" but can't find a way to actually pull it off and then I find myself waiting and yawning for a good reason to continue living again.

It is a shame that work, education and even just the opinions of others have such massive impact on people including their will to live. And that it can sap that away to almost nothing. There can be more but it's hard to find. Best of luck

Yes, a big big BIG BIG shame. Thanks to these people around me, I am never going to feel the same again or look at anybody the same again.

i relate a lot to this part. i really wanna give up on college buy my parents pay for it and i can't tell them i'm failing.

I know how hard it is to confess that your failing. But my dad eventually found out and knows that I'm a failure.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

And they say life is a "gift from God" well I have abused that gift, and I don't deserve it. I deserve to die.

Lol. People will tell me I'm "blessed." I've BEEN waiting to die.

 

[Alfarooq]

Lol. People will tell me I'm "blessed." I've BEEN waiting to die.

Exactly

I don't think you deserve to die. Despite the fact that you don't do any assignments, I definitely don't think you're a failure. You're getting up every morning and commuting to college, even though you hate it. That's some strong willpower right there. I'm proud of you man, and depression fucking sucks. I don't think you landing in depression is your fault, but that doesn't mean you can't do anything about it. I'm sorry to hear about how your family has been treating you, and honestly reading this made me really emotional which I didn't expect.

Life is a gift from God, and no you haven't abused it. You still have plenty of time to make yourself useful in this life. Besides, success and 'usefulness' as you put it, is different for everyone, which sounds generic, but really it is true. The rich lawyer with a wife and kids envies the man who does nothing but party and drink with his friends, and wishes he himself could take just one off-day and go do the same thing, as he hasn't had any sort of fun in his entire life. And the guy who does nothing but party and drink with his friends envies the rich lawyer with a wife and kids, because he himself wants to settle down someday, and doesn't see how he could ever do it. Both are successful in their own way, guy 1 being traditionally successful and guy 2 being happy and living life on his own terms, yet both just can't see how fortunate they are and wish they were something else instead. You describe yourself as a failure, but reading through this, that's the last thing I see in you. I see you more as a soldier, dealing with negative thoughts and emotions all the time, but continuing to live despite the challenges. I think that really you should be proud of yourself for pushing yourself so much.

I can understand why it's frustrating that everyone around you is making it, but really you shouldn't be comparing yourself to others. Comparing yourself to others is the quickest way to ruin your motivation. Life's unfair and there will always be people better than you. But why care about that? Just be the best version of yourself.
Click to expand...

Thank you for your advice. I am still trying to stay strong and not lose hope in life yet.But during this I see signs that make me think that it may be worth losing hope. I know I shouldn't, but I just feel like it. I then think "that's it, I need to CTB tomorrow" but can't find a way to actually pull it off and then I find myself waiting and yawning for a good reason to continue living again.!

It is a shame that work, education and even just the opinions of others have such massive impact on people including their will to live. And that it can sap that away to almost nothing. There can be more but it's hard to find. Best of luck

Yes, a big big BIG BIG shame. Thanks to these people around me, I am never going to feel the same again or look at anybody the same again...

 

[FuneralCry]

Life could never be a "gift", I see existence as being both a burden and a cruel mistake. It's true that you cannot trust humans, they just make things worse and create more harm. And by the way I don't really think that anyone on this site can legalise assisted suicide in the UK.

 

[_Alfarooq_]

Exactly

Thank you for your advice. I am still trying to stay strong and not lose hope in life yet.But during this I see signs that make me think that it may be worth losing hope. I know I shouldn't, but I just feel like it. I then think "that's it, I need to CTB tomorrow" but can't find a way to actually pull it off and then I find myself waiting and yawning for a good reason to continue living again.!

Yes, a big big BIG BIG shame. Thanks to these people around me, I am never going to feel the same again or look at anybody the same again...

I agree.