Suizid
i don't want to be here
- Sep 17, 2025
- 81
So, one day i just quit my job, drove home and on the way to my apartment i was just like "i'm done with this life". I've been suicidal most of my life, but at that time it really got out of hand. Partly because i was taking Olanzapine (Zyprexa) for some months to be able to work. Taking that Medication made me think about Suicide constantly. So, i turned around and drove to the railroad Station where i always saw dealers and Junkies on my way to work. A dealer asks me if i needed something, which happened a lot throughout my life and i always just looked the other way, but this time i said yes. I told him i want 2grams of Heroin. I knew that 2g can be lethal for a person with no tolerance. I gave him 50€, he went somewhere, came back and handed me a substance that looked like Heroin? (I have no experience with drugs). I thanked him, drove right home and went upstairs to my apartment. As i was walking up the stairs i felt a deep darkness come over me. I knew i'm about to do something very drastic and i felt really weird about it, like my soul left my body and i just felt completly numb and lifeless. When i was im my room i crushed the Heroin into a powder. I hopped on my bike and drove to a Spot where i used to sit a lot. On the way there i didn't actually believe i would do it. I thought about driving back home because i knew i wasn't going to do it, but i just went anyways. I sat on my favorite bench, looked at the Heroin and felt anxious. Then i thought about how all my life was just a mess and how i was just suffering every day for many, many years. I imagined myself being really old but nothing was different i was old but i was still miserable. Then i thought "nah, fuck it". I snorted everything. I even licked the little remains. And let me tell you, the katharsis i felt in that moment after i realised that my life would be finally over in a couple minutes... it was pure bliss. I layed on the grass, looked up to the Stars and waited for the Heroin to take me out. After 30 minutes nothing happened. I was devestated. I immediately drove back to the Spot where i bought it. He wasn't there. I asked random people if they had Heroin. I was just trying to die asap. Why am i still here? I should be gone by now. Then i found the dealer. He said that he sold me crack instead of H. I asked him again to sell me Heroin but He refused. After a lot of talking he walked me to another dealer who then sold me real Heroin. As i was walking away, two men showed up. They beat me up and stole my bike. "Whatever, i won't need it where i'm going" i thought. I drove to another Spot to try again. It's morning now and the Sun is coming up. Ramdomly i saw my dad walking 1 meter past me on his way to work, luckily he didn't notice me. When i arrived in the woods, i crushed the H up, put on my music and snorted it. This time it had an immidiate effect. My heart was beating fast and my Vision was very blurry, but unfortunantly that was about it. After laying there for 30-60 minutes i just stood up and walked home... the following day i puked a lot and had yellow stuff come out of my eyes. I don't know if i was scammed twice in one night, or if the second time it was real H but maybe i have a genetic tolerance against opiods. The days and weeks After my attempt my suicidality went through the roof. I went to the psych ward for a week and when i got out i just wanted to jump off of a building.
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