RheaLovesCoffee
Humour and coffee are my coping mechanism<3
- Jan 16, 2026
- 28
Yea so I posted abt my thanatophobia last time. It's oddly getting worse lol.
Last night I had a major breakdown over it n I was so panicky n crying. I didn't want to bother my parents as it was ~3am so I kept it to myself. I was, like, losing shit over it. I was spiralling so bad, I had to take clonazepam to calm down. It didnt help much mentally but it helped my physical symptoms calm down. I can't go 1-2hrs without thinking abt it. Idk lol. I got a lotta stress regarding my future too cuz idk wtf to do with my life rn. I want to go to UK to study but it's costly af. I can manage with loans but idk how to bring this up to my parents. Kinda afraid they'd say no. So along with my guttral fear of inevitability of death, I also feel like a failure for not knowing what to do. Idfk, my frnds are sure abt what they wanna do, which exams to give, which universities to apply for. I wanna go to Leeds Beckett University but idk if I can. I am not a complete academic failures so I think I can get a scholarship. But even with that it's a lot. And also housing stuff... I think I'll get a pt time job. Acc to uni rules/immigration laws or whatnot, I can do 20hrs/week. I can manage. The monthly wage frm that can manage some pt of my living expenses. I'm okay with a frugal lifestyle if it means I get to study there and so what I wanna in the future.
Idk what's going on with my life rn. It's not a suicidal crisis but all this, the thanatophobia, the academic stress, financial stress n all, is weighing me down. I hv lost interest in most things. I don't do much anymore; just my phone and occasionally studying. I need constant stimulation or otherwise my brain goes completely overdrive n starts spiraling tf out. I dun do all the hobbies stuff anymore. I used to draw, journal, read, write etc etc. Not anymore. I've lost interest. Idk what's up anymore. I dun wanna die but id wanna be immortal.
I also hv BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder. Am clinically diagnosed) which makes me feel worse. I feel a lot, all my emotions are all over the place. I hv major abandonment issues and trust issues. Even minor crushes on ppl feel heavy sometimes. I'm kinda in a situationship rn which is confusing. I used to like that girl but now I think she's just using me. She said she had feelings for me too and yaddie yadda but then I recently saw she liked sm of her ex's posts which were evidently abt her. She'd once said she only dated that girl to move on from the feelings she had for me because she thought I wasn't into her. I've decided to avoid and ignore her as much as I can. I dun hv time for all this fr. I hv bigger things to handle... But man, it still hurts. The realization that she prolly just uses me for attention and work just fuels my trust issues and now I feel like am being abandoned again.
I should go to therapy but rn I dun hv time. I'll prolly go after my exams. But rn am just... idk mannn. Sorry for being whiny lol.
Y'all take care,
Drink some water, aye<3
Last night I had a major breakdown over it n I was so panicky n crying. I didn't want to bother my parents as it was ~3am so I kept it to myself. I was, like, losing shit over it. I was spiralling so bad, I had to take clonazepam to calm down. It didnt help much mentally but it helped my physical symptoms calm down. I can't go 1-2hrs without thinking abt it. Idk lol. I got a lotta stress regarding my future too cuz idk wtf to do with my life rn. I want to go to UK to study but it's costly af. I can manage with loans but idk how to bring this up to my parents. Kinda afraid they'd say no. So along with my guttral fear of inevitability of death, I also feel like a failure for not knowing what to do. Idfk, my frnds are sure abt what they wanna do, which exams to give, which universities to apply for. I wanna go to Leeds Beckett University but idk if I can. I am not a complete academic failures so I think I can get a scholarship. But even with that it's a lot. And also housing stuff... I think I'll get a pt time job. Acc to uni rules/immigration laws or whatnot, I can do 20hrs/week. I can manage. The monthly wage frm that can manage some pt of my living expenses. I'm okay with a frugal lifestyle if it means I get to study there and so what I wanna in the future.
Idk what's going on with my life rn. It's not a suicidal crisis but all this, the thanatophobia, the academic stress, financial stress n all, is weighing me down. I hv lost interest in most things. I don't do much anymore; just my phone and occasionally studying. I need constant stimulation or otherwise my brain goes completely overdrive n starts spiraling tf out. I dun do all the hobbies stuff anymore. I used to draw, journal, read, write etc etc. Not anymore. I've lost interest. Idk what's up anymore. I dun wanna die but id wanna be immortal.
I also hv BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder. Am clinically diagnosed) which makes me feel worse. I feel a lot, all my emotions are all over the place. I hv major abandonment issues and trust issues. Even minor crushes on ppl feel heavy sometimes. I'm kinda in a situationship rn which is confusing. I used to like that girl but now I think she's just using me. She said she had feelings for me too and yaddie yadda but then I recently saw she liked sm of her ex's posts which were evidently abt her. She'd once said she only dated that girl to move on from the feelings she had for me because she thought I wasn't into her. I've decided to avoid and ignore her as much as I can. I dun hv time for all this fr. I hv bigger things to handle... But man, it still hurts. The realization that she prolly just uses me for attention and work just fuels my trust issues and now I feel like am being abandoned again.
I should go to therapy but rn I dun hv time. I'll prolly go after my exams. But rn am just... idk mannn. Sorry for being whiny lol.
Y'all take care,
Drink some water, aye<3
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