Venting Terrified but done (Goodbye)

[Chaosire]

Hey, glad to see you're still around.
It's good to take it day by day, or even hour by hour. I hope you can find the help you need.
Everyone deserves a shot at happiness, even you. <3

 

[timetodie24]

I am extremely glad that you did not go through, and I hope that one day you will come to feel the same
Your appointment has gone well and your cpm was kind, as always. You shared your worries and it was good. And that's a great outcome, your appointments are and will continue to be helping you, slowly but surely.
Just because some people care for you and are worried about you does not make you a burden in any way - I say that from the bottom of my heart. It my experience, it's always been the opposite - whenever I get to care about somebody, I feel like I'm needed, because I'm of assistance. And I'm certain that the people arounh you who provide you help feel the same way when they help you - they are happy that they can be a positive influence. And this will continue. You do not have to die, you should not die. Stay with us - even if nobody else, then we will always be on your side. Hugs

Thank you so much really feels like i'm doing the wrong thing

You are none of those things and you certainly are not a burden. If you were a burden i wouldn't bother with you would I. What kvorumese says is right. All of it. I'm so glad you went to the appointment. Sounds like your CPN is awesome, like mine. That's one of the things that keeps me from ctb atm. Because I can't imagine my CPN being interrogated in my inquest. That would be just awful.
I'm still fine and well. Just watched the Fantastic Beasts film that came on Netflix this week (it was rubbish. There's better films on there). But had a nice evening with crisps and icecream as a treat. Stay strong and wait for the CPN to get back. I'm keeping to my challenge to be here and be well next week whatever the system says. It can't hurt me. Glad to hear from you my friend xxx

thank you so much
I'm glad you had a nice evening despite disappointing film !
I appreciate you a lot x

Hang in there. I strongly suggest you email (or otherwise contact) your cpn and say 'actually yes, I would like that appointment, please and thank you'. Even if it can't be arranged now, I think it's good to try. And then rest (in the sense of stay alive but sleep or at least, rest).

You won't be surprised to hear that I don't think that your mum is drugging your food.

Try to keep in mind, or on paper, any specific horrible things that are being threatened. When they don't happen...

(Here I must caveat - what I would characterise as 'your illness', what you and others have called 'the system', and I will default to that name also)

...when they don't happen, the system *will try to make you forget* that its threats don't materialise, or try to morph them under your very eyes, or make excuses, or claim clemency, or things like that. This is EXTREMELY hard to resist, because 'the call is coming from inside the house', so to speak. It's inside your mind and can twist your memories, your ability to predict, and your perceptions. You will only really be able to remember times when it seems to have beem correct. Any times where it's been wrong will be fuzzy or rebuilt differently, or you won't be able to remember them at all.

But believe me when I say that, outside of your mind, it's powerless.

Because. If it was as powerful as it says, if it wanted you dead and could replace and control others around you... then why would it need you to do the job? It would be extremely easy for something so powerful to kill you itself. And *I know* it will make convenient excuses, 'oh, well you see, it's all a test, and it's very important YOU do it, to show you're dedicated and...'. I'm sure I'm off-base on the details, but whatever it actually tells you, it's all lies.

Taking it day by day is good. You are doing the right thing.

thank you so much . It's too late to ask for appt. now as she'll be out of office but i'm ok with that .
Thank you for thoughtful response
Lots of things they warned have happened already though including deaths .
I have lots of evidence of things my mum has done but not her fault system changed her

Hey, glad to see you're still around.
It's good to take it day by day, or even hour by hour. I hope you can find the help you need.
Everyone deserves a shot at happiness, even you. <3

Thank you for your kindness
I really don't care about being happy just need to minimise how many people get hurt because of me.

 

[KillingPain267]

You're one of the profiles I instantly recognize when seeing your posts under "new posts" in my daily browsing. I'm happy you're still here today and haven't hurt yourself. I hope you get long overdue help asap.

 

[Worndown]

When people say that people are watching them snd drugging their food to control them, that is a warning sign.
It is time to step back for a moment.

 

[timetodie24]

You're one of the profiles I instantly recognize when seeing your posts under "new posts" in my daily browsing. I'm happy you're still here today and haven't hurt yourself. I hope you get long overdue help asap.

Thank you . I am getting good help now.

When people say that people are watching them snd drugging their food to control them, that is a warning sign.
It is time to step back for a moment.

Yes a warning sign that I can't trust anyone and should run away.



_____________________________

Sorry just vents


Really struggling today. Sleeping and eating is hard when I can't trust my mum. Sometimes her face and voice seem to change, they're gaining more control. Nowhere else I can go though and have little money as unemployed. Bad things happened last night at clock change because I broke major rule and the system is angry. So many are dying because of me . I'm so evil through and through. Idk what's coming next and i need to put a stop for it. They're getting more pushy with thoughts and commands of things never do. I'm really not me at all anymore, more and more of my body and brain is this evil entity and I have to kill it before the world ends sorry.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Thank you . I am getting good help now.

Yes a warning sign that I can't trust anyone and should run away.



_____________________________

Sorry just vents


Really struggling today. Sleeping and eating is hard when I can't trust my mum. Sometimes her face and voice seem to change, they're gaining more control. Nowhere else I can go though and have little money as unemployed. Bad things happened last night at clock change because I broke major rule and the system is angry. So many are dying because of me . I'm so evil through and through. Idk what's coming next and i need to put a stop for it. They're getting more pushy with thoughts and commands of things never do. I'm really not me at all anymore, more and more of my body and brain is this evil entity and I have to kill it before the world ends sorry.

Maybe there is a duty worker with the EIP who deals with any problems occurring when staff are on leave. You could contact them tomorrow and tell them all this. You could read it to them from your posts on here today. I'm still safe and very well. System has done nothing to me or the others supporting you on here. Keep going my friend. Tomorrow the challenge result will be in, and I'll still be here and the system will have done nothing too me. It'll be ok. You are not evil and you are certainly not a burden. xxxx

 

[timetodie24]

Maybe there is a duty worker with the EIP who deals with any problems occurring when staff are on leave. You could contact them tomorrow and tell them all this. You could read it to them from your posts on here today. I'm still safe and very well. System has done nothing to me or the others supporting you on here. Keep going my friend. Tomorrow the challenge result will be in, and I'll still be here and the system will have done nothing too me. It'll be ok. You are not evil and you are certainly not a burden. xxxx

Thank you for your constant kindness and support, it means more than you even realise

They do have duty workers but I assured my cpn I'd manage without support this week. And nothing has really changed from what I told her the other day. So not urgent enough to bother duty and nothing they can do anyway xx

 

[NoPoint2Life]

Thank you . I am getting good help now.

Yes a warning sign that I can't trust anyone and should run away.



_____________________________

Sorry just vents


Really struggling today. Sleeping and eating is hard when I can't trust my mum. Sometimes her face and voice seem to change, they're gaining more control. Nowhere else I can go though and have little money as unemployed. Bad things happened last night at clock change because I broke major rule and the system is angry. So many are dying because of me . I'm so evil through and through. Idk what's coming next and i need to put a stop for it. They're getting more pushy with thoughts and commands of things never do. I'm really not me at all anymore, more and more of my body and brain is this evil entity and I have to kill it before the world ends sorry.

I just wanted to point out that night time is over where I am and nothing bad happened to me, and there were not any new bad events going on in the world that I am aware of.
Try to trust your mother more. I am sure she loves you, wants the best for you, and is doing you no harm. Eating and sleeping are for the best. I know I tend to become very irrational when I go without either. You don't want to make the situation worse.

 

[timetodie24]

I just wanted to point out that night time is over where I am and nothing bad happened to me, and there were not any new bad events going on in the world that I am aware of.
Try to trust your mother more. I am sure she loves you, wants the best for you, and is doing you no harm. Eating and sleeping are for the best. I know I tend to become very irrational when I go without either. You don't want to make the situation worse.

Thank you for your reassurance and kindness . It means a lot to me .
I trust who she was , not what has taken over.
Still eating just going to stop eating anything she makes. I'll be more irrational eating drugged food than being a bit hungry

 

[alltoomuch2]

Thank you for your constant kindness and support, it means more than you even realise

They do have duty workers but I assured my cpn I'd manage without support this week. And nothing has really changed from what I told her the other day. So not urgent enough to bother duty and nothing they can do anyway xx

If you do need to contact them early, there's no shame in that. I've done it in the past and they've been pleased that I've done it. I think that's why my mental health workers have always liked me. I try super-hard doing everything they say, and if I get into problems where it gets dangerous, I call them for help. It inspires trust in both me and them. Hope you have a better day today timetodie24. I'm going to make myself get outside in the sun and make the garden look prettier. xxxx

 

[timetodie24]

I think only my ctb is the way to prove everything.
Everyone will see then, you will all be enlightened.

 

[alltoomuch2]

I think only my ctb is the way to prove everything.
Everyone will see then, you will all be enlightened.

Rubbish. I think my challenge that the system can't hurt me is a better test than yours. Because it doesn't hurt anyone including me. We won't be enlightened if you ctb. We'll be sad that you died and the driver and witnesses were traumatised, and all in vain. I stand by my challenge that I will be around and well tomorrow and there's nothing the system can do about it. See you tomorrow my friend

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I think only my ctb is the way to prove everything.
Everyone will see then, you will all be enlightened.

Agree with alltoomuch2 here.
Not gonna prove anything. It shouldn't have to prove anything either. If you end things it should be for YOU. Not because the system says so.

Nothing new bad happening here either.
I wish you'd contact them for an appointment. Nothing may have changed, but you should have said yes in my opinion anyways to start with.
I've done the same before (accepted an replacement therapist when my own went on holiday) and it changed somethings for the good, even if like you I felt like a burden at the time. I wasn't a burden to them.

Sending you loads and loads of hugs and sunshine to brighten up your day a bit

 

[timetodie24]

Rubbish. I think my challenge that the system can't hurt me is a better test than yours. Because it doesn't hurt anyone including me. We won't be enlightened if you ctb. We'll be sad that you died and the driver and witnesses were traumatised, and all in vain. I stand by my challenge that I will be around and well tomorrow and there's nothing the system can do about it. See you tomorrow my friend

Less trauma and fewer deaths if I do it than if I don't

Agree with alltoomuch2 here.
Not gonna prove anything. It shouldn't have to prove anything either. If you end things it should be for YOU. Not because the system says so.

Nothing new bad happening here either.
I wish you'd contact them for an appointment. Nothing may have changed, but you should have said yes in my opinion anyways to start with.
I've done the same before (accepted an replacement therapist when my own went on holiday) and it changed somethings for the good, even if like you I felt like a burden at the time. I wasn't a burden to them.

Sending you loads and loads of hugs and sunshine to brighten up your day a bit

thank you so much for all your kindness and support . Hugs and sunshine your way too
It's only missing 1 appt. so doesn't matter.


None of you can gurantee anything and that's ok . But I can guarantee all the good that comes of my ctb. It is for me too, not just saving people.
I understand things about how the world works that none of you do but you'll see afterwards.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Less trauma and fewer deaths if I do it than if I don't

thank you so much for all your kindness and support . Hugs and sunshine your way too
It's only missing 1 appt. so doesn't matter.


None of you can gurantee anything and that's ok . But I can guarantee all the good that comes of my ctb. It is for me too, not just saving people.
I understand things about how the world works that none of you do but you'll see afterwards.

I'm sorry to disagree here. But you are right about one. We can't guarantee anything. Nobody can... That's life...

Shitty situation.. You able to make your own food at least?

 

[nir]

You deserve to be able to live your life on this planet just as much as anyone else <3 Keep pushing forward. We believe in you and want you to stay.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Less trauma and fewer deaths if I do it than if I don't

thank you so much for all your kindness and support . Hugs and sunshine your way too
It's only missing 1 appt. so doesn't matter.


None of you can gurantee anything and that's ok . But I can guarantee all the good that comes of my ctb. It is for me too, not just saving people.
I understand things about how the world works that none of you do but you'll see afterwards.

Well, I'm still here . I'm still fine and very well. The system hasn't done anything to me. I still think you should contact the EIP team and tell them the system's time scale in it's demands as they'll have experience of this stuff. You know I think you're honest, caring and brave. But I think you still need EIP's help and support to deal with what is happening to you, rather than trying to tough it out on your own. We on here support you as much as we can but it's not the same as a phone call or face to face. I think you should call them today and tell them the latest updates you've written here. It won't do any harm and it might help you get through some of the confusion and fear to talk in person. I hope you can see that if the system couldn't manage to get to me, just one little person, then the chances of it allowing many people to die are nil. It's bluffing. Don't die in vain. Talk it through with your team. It doesn't matter if your psych nurse is away. There'll still be a duty worker or similar to help. Big strong hugs to you from your very much alive and well friend xxx