Discussion Tell us about your first CTB attempt, how was it?

[love_peep]

I had one unsuccessful attempt at CTB and I wonder that I also understand the feeling of the last minutes of life, but I am interested in hearing some unsuccessful attempts at CTB and what you felt at that moment
may be in the future i tell about my attempt

 

[blacksand]

put a 12 gauge in my mouth while very drunk and pulled the trigger back to where it was literally right on the edge. Like I have no idea why it didn't go off. I wish it had. I was 50/50 on doing it and had no fear just almost a feeling of excitement. In the end I just came to my senses and threw the gun on the floor the first thing I thought was oh fuck gotta deal with a hangover from drinking now. I've had the gun in my mouth about 12 times now but I think that was the closest I've come.

 

[love_peep]

put a 12 gauge in my mouth while very drunk and pulled the trigger back to where it was literally right on the edge. Like I have no idea why it didn't go off. I wish it had. I was 50/50 on doing it and had no fear just almost a feeling of excitement. In the end I just came to my senses and threw the gun on the floor the first thing I thought was oh fuck gotta deal with a hangover from drinking now. I've had the gun in my mouth about 12 times now but I think that was the closest I've come.

oh wow

 

[leavingsoon99]

I attempted to overdose on blood thinners, muscle relaxers, and painkillers. All it did was make me sick. This was when I was 12. Luckily, no psych wards or anything. Just the whole "you have your whole life ahead of you" speech.

 

[love_peep]

I attempted to overdose on blood thinners, muscle relaxers, and painkillers. All it did was make me sick. This was when I was 12. Luckily, no psych wards or anything. Just the whole "you have your whole life ahead of you" speech.

oh you're was very young then and i think that its good that you didnt ctb

 

[90starve]

my first and only attempt was about 2 weeks ago - i tried partial hanging with a rope from my bathroom door.

all that i was thinking while putting the noose around my neck was "fuck fuck fuck" - i don't know what i was expecting to feel in my final moments, but i really wasn't feeling anything.

i can remember hanging there for a couple seconds - my SI did not kick in. i was just hanging there with no movement, completely determined to die.

the next thing i remember was waking up on the floor. the rope was on the floor with me - it seems that i failed because i hadn't tied the rope to the anchor point securely enough - and i just fell down after passing out.

afterwards, i didn't really know how to feel either. i just laid down on my bathroom floor and went to sleep.

 

[love_peep]

my first and only attempt was about 2 weeks ago - i tried partial hanging with a rope from my bathroom door.

all that i was thinking while putting the noose around my neck was "fuck fuck fuck" - i don't know what i was expecting to feel in my final moments, but i really wasn't feeling anything.

i can remember hanging there for a couple seconds - my SI did not kick in. i was just hanging there with no movement, completely determined to die.

the next thing i remember was waking up on the floor. the rope was on the floor with me - it seems that i failed because i hadn't tied the rope to the anchor point securely enough - and i just fell down after passing out.

afterwards, i didn't really know how to feel either. i just laid down on my bathroom floor and went to sleep.

oh fuck its so sad but maybe its good that you didnt die then

 

[Forgettable]

My first attempt was strangulation with some kind of rubber band.
It was very hard to get it over my head onto my neck but once it was I imidiatly was unable to breathe, I didn't have a watch but I guess after about 1 minute SI kicked in hard, I tried really hard to suppress it tho.
Unfortunately I lived with someone else at the time who heard me struggling (even tho I did it at night) guess I woke her up tho.
I blacked out before she found me but she did cut the rubber open, I was hospitalized for about two days where I tried to reassure them that I am not suicidal and that this was an accident, didn't work tho, had to go to therapy for months (which did not help)

 

[love_peep]

My first attempt was strangulation with some kind of rubber band.
It was very hard to get it over my head onto my neck but once it was I imidiatly was unable to breathe, I didn't have a watch but I guess after about 1 minute SI kicked in hard, I tried really hard to suppress it tho.
Unfortunately I lived with someone else at the time who heard me struggling (even tho I did it at night) guess I woke her up tho.
I blacked out before she found me but she did cut the rubber open, I was hospitalized for about two days where I tried to reassure them that I am not suicidal and that this was an accident, didn't work tho, had to go to therapy for months (which did not help)

oh fuck its so sad cuz therapy in hospital its very scary me

 

[TheSpookyNameGuy]

Was about 8yrs old, made a rope and hung it on my ceiling light, rope broke and i dropped after a while.

Just lay on the floor with my neck in agony, felt too miserable to try again.

Came close several times to putting a shotgun through my brain but got caught once and yeah.. sucked.

 

[FadingFast2023]

Tied my belt around a chin-up bar in my doorway and made a noose. Got a small garbage pail and turned it upside down and stood on it, put my head in the noose and slowly lowered myself down. I remember starting to feel the sensation I was going to faint. Next thing I knew I awoke on the floor with the belt around my neck and the trash can knocked over. I went into the bathroom to see my head and body covered in blood. Right at that moment my mother came home. She rushed me to the ER where I got 14 stitches to close the gash on the side of my head.

Weeks later I discovered what had happened. The belt I used had a metal tip, which I found it on the opposite side of my room. When I passed out the full weight of my body at some point got this metal tip to fly off and that untied the knot I made. When my body fell to the floor my head hit the edge of the trash can and gave me the gash. This was a long time ago, and I do not think a day has gone by where it doesn't bug the shit out of me that I was so so close and ended up failing.

 

[love_peep]

Was about 8yrs old, made a rope and hung it on my ceiling light, rope broke and i dropped after a while.

Just lay on the floor with my neck in agony, felt too miserable to try again.

Came close several times to putting a shotgun through my brain but got caught once and yeah.. sucked.

oh its sound very sad

 

[TheSpookyNameGuy]

oh its sound very sad

I mean to me it sounded like peace that slipped away, soon with more privacy and sophisticated methods i shall succeed.

Nirvana is within my grasp.

 

[love_peep]

Tied my belt around a chin-up bar in my doorway and made a noose. Got a small garbage pail and turned it upside down and stood on it, put my head in the noose and slowly lowered myself down. I remember starting to feel the sensation I was going to faint. Next thing I knew I awoke on the floor with the belt around my neck and the trash can knocked over. I went into the bathroom to see my head and body covered in blood. Right at that moment my mother came home. She rushed me to the ER where I got 14 stitches to close the gash on the side of my head.

Weeks later I discovered what had happened. The belt I used had a metal tip, which I found it on the opposite side of my room. When I passed out the full weight of my body at some point got this metal tip to fly off and that untied the knot I made. When my body fell to the floor my head hit the edge of the trash can and gave me the gash. This was a long time ago, and I do not think a day has gone by where it doesn't bug the shit out of me that I was so so close and ended up failing.

oh shit this is sound very unlucky

 

[Wowser]

Around half a decade ago, I tried to hang myself. The pressure in my head and pain in my neck was too much, so I aborted.

 

[Wowser]

It was unsuccessful, as you can tell.

May I ask if it was partial?

Partial

 

[IndyAna]

I was in my teens, around 14/15. At night, I opened up my parents' med cabinet and swallowed three boxes of pills that I didn't even know what were for, lol. I started sweating and feeling dizzy, went to the bathroom and saw my nose bleeding (it was the first and last time I got a nosebleed in my whole life). SI kicked in, I panicked and forced myself to vomit. I've never told anyone about it.

 

[Watlock]

Drove my car into a ditch going about 80 mph after having one of the worst days of my life. Air bags saved me. ): Woke up strapped to a hospital bed where I laid for what I figure was hours by myself, I vomited and it sat on my chest for a very long time… left me with a really disgusting scar thing in between my breasts. It's the reason I have not tried again, some fates are worse than death. Hopefully one day I gain the courage to try again but better prepared this time.

 

[Unattainable666]

When I was 15 I chewed over 2,000 aspirin. Not a smart idea, but I was young and dumb.

 

[love_peep]

Drove my car into a ditch going about 80 mph after having one of the worst days of my life. Air bags saved me. ): Woke up strapped to a hospital bed where I laid for what I figure was hours by myself, I vomited and it sat on my chest for a very long time… left me with a really disgusting scar thing in between my breasts. It's the reason I have not tried again, some fates are worse than death. Hopefully one day I gain the courage to try again but better prepared this time.

Wow its crazy bro

When I was 15 I chewed over 2,000 aspirin. Not a smart idea, but I was young and dumb.

Sometimes we all make mistakes

 

[90starve]

oh fuck its so sad but maybe its good that you didnt die then

i think that when our time comes, we will all pass with ease :)

 

[pettyqueen]

2007> After a night out and a binge of alcohol, cocaine and mdma, Took all my meds (ssri, benzos, antipsychotics…) plus half a bottle of whisky. Self harmed by cutting until I lost consciousness. Woke up in the hospital having my stomach pumped. One of my flat mates found me and called the ambulance but didn't accompany me (he was a rapist and a narcissist anyway). After that, a doc from the MH team came to assess me to see if I needed inpatient care. They said I was safe cos I said I felt ashamed of my attempt (wth?) so I was discharged. I was on my PJs no phone keys or anything. Had to walk home alone in my pjs in full daylight with people going to work, with makeup smeared on my face, cuts on my arms and banged the door until a flatmate opened the door. Utterly humiliating

 

[love_peep]

2007> After a night out and a binge of alcohol, cocaine and mdma, Took all my meds (ssri, benzos, antipsychotics…) plus half a bottle of whisky. Self harmed by cutting until I lost consciousness. Woke up in the hospital having my stomach pumped. One of my flat mates found me and called the ambulance but didn't accompany me (he was a rapist and a narcissist anyway). After that, a doc from the MH team came to assess me to see if I needed inpatient care. They said I was safe cos I said I felt ashamed of my attempt (wth?) so I was discharged. I was on my PJs no phone keys or anything. Had to walk home alone in my pjs in full daylight with people going to work, with makeup smeared on my face, cuts on my arms and banged the door until a flatmate opened the door. Utterly humiliating

yes, it really sounds very embarrassing damn, I have cuts on my hands and now I'm walking down the street in a jacket or shirt so that people don't see my cuts

 

[pettyqueen]

I don't care about my scars anymore. I'm mostly tattooed over and I haven't cut in years but yeah they don't bother me.

It was the fact that they discharged me as I was and I was so alone and vulnerable that really felt horrible. Not so much the cuts. The feeling of not even the hospital gave a damn…

 

[Thisisme373]

I don't care about my scars anymore. I'm mostly tattooed over and I haven't cut in years but yeah they don't bother me.

It was the fact that they discharged me as I was and I was so alone and vulnerable that really felt horrible. Not so much the cuts. The feeling of not even the hospital gave a damn…

That's truly awful how they treated you, I can unfortunately relate, they don't give a shit. Still I'm sorry you experienced that, you were let down big time, when you were in a very vulnerable & dangerous position, they left you feeling even more invalidated and alone. From my experiences with nhs they don't give a fuck.

 

[cami]

i overdosed, and i ended up in the icu because my liver was failing. i now live with permanent liver damage which has gifted me with chronic pain *yay*. it's almost worth it though for those peaceful moments of bliss when you think you're going to finally pass. almost, because now my life has gone to shit and i definitely would not recommend an overdose for this reason.

 

[oh_no191]

I've tried to od a lot and every time it was euphoric fear. I wish they would work cause waking up from them is the absolute worse.

 

[maarijkhan]

i overdosed, and i ended up in the icu because my liver was failing. i now live with permanent liver damage which has gifted me with chronic pain *yay*. it's almost worth it though for those peaceful moments of bliss when you think you're going to finally pass. almost, because now my life has gone to shit and i definitely would not recommend an overdose for this reason.

You overdosed on what ?

 

[lokabe82]

I was 14 years old and downed a bottle of my Adderall. That night was painful. I was not able to fall asleep at all that first night. I remember getting chest/back pains and I had serious trouble breathing. My mom took me in and out of the doctors office multiple times in the coming weeks but none of them really found out what was wrong with me. I never told them what I did. One of the doctors pulled my mom to the side and told her they suspected I was depressed. It honestly hurt to see my mom cry as much as she did when she was told that. I think at that moment she pieced together that I actually tried to end my life rather than having a mystery illness.

 

[DazaiKinnie]

I had one unsuccessful attempt at CTB and I wonder that I also understand the feeling of the last minutes of life, but I am interested in hearing some unsuccessful attempts at CTB and what you felt at that moment
may be in the future i tell about my attempt

Well, I first try cutting. The ironic part was that my pain tolerance is low and couldn't go through with it, I had some scars left from cuts, they healed(I attempted months ago). It got to painful for my body to continue. I felt a lot of pain, but at the time a little fear of the pain that comes from bleeding out.