Venting tattoos are helping me feel better

[lampshadereally]

Before I explain I'd like to say that it's very possible that this method of coping is "bad" or might not be a good idea for the future. I understand that, and I'm okay with it. I'm tagging this venting because I'm more just musing than asking for advice.

Essentially, I have been on-and-off suicidal since the fifth grade (I'm 18 now). I don't feel as bad as I did in the beginning, thankfully, but this year have been getting worse again. I started cutting a few years ago, stopped, and started again this summer. I've been in an upswing for a few weeks now, mostly because I have a boyfriend who I really love, and yet I still cut. I feel like cutting is no longer even a coping mechanism, it's more a creative thing. sometimes I do it to let off steam or give me energy, but I also just like having cuts. I like the way it looks, and I especially like making shapes and symbols on myself. Idk if this is a sign is something good or bad, but I really like it. I don't want to stop.

Recently, I've been trying to tattoo myself in various places with just my knife and an ink bottle. It's worked well so far, and it actually motivates me to take better care of my cuts (I usually pick at them until they scar). honestly, I feel way better. When I move out of my parent's house I want to get a tattoo at an actual studio, but I also really want to get a tattoo pen so I can do better ones on myself. Planning ones I want to do and drawing them on myself in ink makes me really happy.

 

[timf]

It might be that this is similar to cutting as being a type of self harm. It can become addictive as short term pleasure may produce long term regret. Often this can be driven by an attempt to feel in control in an environment where one does not have much control. If you will be moving out on your own, you may find yourself shifting gears and starting to explore a new environment and less driven into excessive self focus.