sadlystillgoing3
Member
- Feb 3, 2019
- 54
WELL FOLKS- FUCK ME!! It's like the universe is screaming to just kill myself. But I'm a failure and I can't even do that.
I am suspected (by a psychiatrist) to have borderline personality, and when I was 18 and 19 I got a lot of tattoos. Last year I started getting them removed because I also have OCD and I obsess over them and how much I hate them. Well, within that timeframe, I've relapsed and "recovered" twice from anorexia. I am currently relapsed again.
I saw progress for a little bit but it's been stagnant for the past 5 sessions. No change at all. I already switched clinics because the only tech at the first one quit. This clinic is way more professional (and only does tattoo removals) and uses a better laser. They said they'd tell me if it wasn't budging before I began treatments. I had one yesterday and the tech was like, "wow! looks great!!" and seemed very pleased. They take pictures before every session, too...but I take pics too and haven't seen any more fading.
I posted my progress to reddit and, to my surprise, people said my progress was "unacceptable," anxiously asking if I smoke and how long I go b/t sessions so they don't end up in the same hell-hole as me.
I tried researching immune system and anorexia and there's conflicting stuff. But I honestly NEVER get sick. Like, it has been years. And when I got my tattoos, they healed completely fine. I also had labs done during my prior relapse and my white blood cell count was slightly elevated (still normal), which would mean my immune system is working???? I think????
They are on my wrist and lower arm and who knows what ink the artist used, so I honestly thought my progress was expected. Now I feel hopeless and even more motivated to kill myself. One of my main reasons for not trying again was that my tattoos could be removed and I'd feel more confident. Well, that is not happening.
It's a cruel cycle. I can't get my tattoos removed because of my ED, yet I can't recover from my ED. I am so embarrassed. I can't live with my ugly tattoos and I can't live without my ED. Guess I need to die.
I am suspected (by a psychiatrist) to have borderline personality, and when I was 18 and 19 I got a lot of tattoos. Last year I started getting them removed because I also have OCD and I obsess over them and how much I hate them. Well, within that timeframe, I've relapsed and "recovered" twice from anorexia. I am currently relapsed again.
I saw progress for a little bit but it's been stagnant for the past 5 sessions. No change at all. I already switched clinics because the only tech at the first one quit. This clinic is way more professional (and only does tattoo removals) and uses a better laser. They said they'd tell me if it wasn't budging before I began treatments. I had one yesterday and the tech was like, "wow! looks great!!" and seemed very pleased. They take pictures before every session, too...but I take pics too and haven't seen any more fading.
I posted my progress to reddit and, to my surprise, people said my progress was "unacceptable," anxiously asking if I smoke and how long I go b/t sessions so they don't end up in the same hell-hole as me.
I tried researching immune system and anorexia and there's conflicting stuff. But I honestly NEVER get sick. Like, it has been years. And when I got my tattoos, they healed completely fine. I also had labs done during my prior relapse and my white blood cell count was slightly elevated (still normal), which would mean my immune system is working???? I think????
They are on my wrist and lower arm and who knows what ink the artist used, so I honestly thought my progress was expected. Now I feel hopeless and even more motivated to kill myself. One of my main reasons for not trying again was that my tattoos could be removed and I'd feel more confident. Well, that is not happening.
It's a cruel cycle. I can't get my tattoos removed because of my ED, yet I can't recover from my ED. I am so embarrassed. I can't live with my ugly tattoos and I can't live without my ED. Guess I need to die.
